Kaitlyn Smith

"Before Abraham was born, I am!"

2011-12-31T13:11:00.001-05:00

Oh yes, it has been quite a long time. I do apologize for that, but I have something very exciting to write about. It is John 8:48-59. Let me just write it out for you and then we can talk about how exciting it is.

The Jews answered him, "Aren't we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed?"
"I am not possessed by a demon," said Jesus, "but I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge. I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death."
At this the Jews exclaimed, "Now we know that you are demon-possessed! Abraham died and so did the prophets, yet you say that if anyone keeps your word, he will never taste death. Are you greater than our father Abraham? He died, and so did the prophets. Who do you think you are?"
Jesus replied, "If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing. My Father whom you claim as your God, is the one who glorifies me. Though you did not know him, I know him. If I said I did not, I would be a liar like you, but I do know him and keep his word. Your father Abraham rejoiced at the thought of seeing my day; he saw it and was glad."
"You are not yet fifty years old," the Jews said to him, "and you have seen Abraham!"
"I tell you the truth," Jesus answered, "before Abraham was born, I am!" At this, they picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds.

Isn't that amazing? These Jews are trying to find the hole in what they thought was Jesus' facade. They were clearly mistaken. In verse 54 Jesus is not taking any more of this. He tells them how it is. Look at him telling them that they don't know his Father, and they are liars. He isn't going to lie to them. They are the liars. They won't like what he has to say, but he's JESUS. He can tell them how it is. He could have done much more than this, but he knew the proper place and time for all of it. Then he says "before Abraham was born, I am!" I love that! "I am!" He is over all, and through all, and in all. He was, and is, and is to come. He sees Abraham and he sees me. Now that I'm putting all of this into writing its really hard to explain what I feel about it. It just makes me want to cheer for Jesus. "You tell 'em, Jesus! Don't let them say that to you!" Its terribly difficult to put into words, but I trust that the Lord will come close to you as you read this and show you what you need to see.

I'm So Happy, So Very Happy!

2011-11-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
WHERE?
Down in my heart.
WHERE?
Down in my heart.
I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.
WHERE?
Down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy, so very happy!
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!
YEEHAW!
And I'm so happy so very happy!
I've got the love Jesus in my heart!

Woooooooooooo. Thank you, Lord!

He Wakes Me Up

2011-09-21T13:40:00.003-04:00

I never seem to have anything to write about, but today the Lord showed me such a beautiful and comforting word in His love story. He showed me Psalm 3 which talks about all the enemies that are piled up against us as Christians. Verses 5 and 6 say this:

I lie down and sleep;

I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

I will not fear the tens of thousands

drawn up against me on every side.

Wow. What a wonderful way to think about our trials and our troubling times. We can physically feel ourselves waking up everyday. We know that it is happening. God is doing that. He is waking us up and making our bodies live and move and breathe and work. That one simple fact can lead us to the conclusion that we do not have to be afraid went there is an army of tens of thousands lined up against us. Obviously, the Lord is with us because we woke up that day.

Lord, you are so good to love us enough to show us these things. How wonderful You are.

Relentlessly Pursue Me, God

2011-09-16T10:54:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel like God is just laughing at me. Like I'm just sitting down here squirming and trying to figure everything out and He's up there just laughing His head off. I know its not true, but I'm just kind of tired of feeling like I can't get a straight answer. He's blessing me. He loves me. I know He does. I just want to be joyful and not have to wonder if I'm really joyful because of Jesus or because I'm finding temporary happiness in the world.

I want to be satisfied in Jesus. I want Him to be my one and only. I want Him to be the one that I need and look to and cry to. I want to run to Him, but right now I feel like I don't know where to run. I need Him close to me. I need Him to come to me. I'm trying to find Him, but I'm feeling my way around in a pitch black room. Illuminate things for me, God. Maybe things really are illuminated and I'm just closing my eyes. Either way, I need you to relentlessly pursue me. Even if I don't act like it all the time, that's what I really want.

Tuesday Night

2011-08-16T11:32:00.001-04:00

I seem to have a tradition to write a blog about returning to school. This year I haven't written such a blog yet, and now that I think about it, I haven't written many blogs at all this whole summer. I think I thought about it, or sat down to start one, or opened the page to begin writing at least 10 times since my last post, but nothing ever came out. No thoughts ever came to my head. I think that's how I run most of my life. I just go along with things and if something comes, then it comes, and if it doesn't, then I'll move on. Anyway, I moved into school 9 days early this year for a leadership conference for work and since I'm here so early I am in my nice, big, empty apartment all alone. I spent the first night alone just singing in the beautiful, empty space enjoying the acoustics of the bare walls. I spent the second night eating left-over Chinese food with the top of a pudding cup (which works curiously well) and galavanting all around town trying to find a store that was open late at night where I could find brownie mix so that my friend and I could make brownies (which, if you were wondering, turned out very well... they were cookie brownies). We went to CVS (who did not have any), and then saw the Food Lion employee lock the doors as we were pulling up, and finally we decided to give up on the hunt and just go for Walmart... the solution to almost every problem. We got the brownies (along with butter, 2 wooden spoons, some plastic cutlery, and dish washing detergent) and went on our way. It was great fun, and then I had one of those dreams that I woke up in the same situation but in my dream it was terrible and so confusing, but we won't get into that.

I hope the rest of world had as fabulous of a Monday night as mine.

2011-06-18T00:25:00.002-04:00

Does anyone else get tired of the world?

Right now I am just so sick of being stuck inside my own body. Its terribly difficult to fight myself.

I just want things to be clear and easy.

Jump for Jesus Joy

2011-06-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

There are too many people that walk around thinking that their faith in Jesus is just a duty or a discipline.
Now, I see nothing wrong with some discipline. Its good to create good habits and its even better to implement some discipline into your life with Jesus. If you don't spend time with Him simply because you just don't feel like it, then when will you ever really start spending time with Him if you don't start doing it out of discipline and obedience. If God is telling you to go overseas and you wait until you feel like doing it, then you'll probably wait forever because you'll never learn all that He'll do that is so great if you never actually go.
At the same time, Christianity is MORE than a discipline. It goes from discipline to joy. The discipline gives room for Jesus to put joy into us so that we do start to feel like doing those things. We start to love those things because of how He's blessed them. And there is a reason that the word joy is contained in the word enjoy. We are called to enjoy Jesus. He wants us to love Him and enjoy His company and His relationship.

I believe that, as Christians, we should make a point to pray for the joy of our precious Lord to invade our hearts so that our faith oozes out of every word we speak and everything we do because we're always jumping for Jesus joy.

2011-05-31T16:53:00.002-04:00

Learning is so hard and painful sometimes.

Ezekiel

2011-05-20T23:57:00.001-04:00

This verse stuck out to me:
Therefore speak to them and tell them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: When any of the Israelites set up idols in their hearts and put a wicked stumbling block before their faces and then go to a prophet, I the Lord will answer them myself in keeping with their great idolatry. I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.' -Ezekiel 14:4-5

These verses make up a story: (Go and read all of Ezekiel 16 if you can)
Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!" I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels. Your breasts had formed and your hair grew, yet you were bare and naked. Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine. -Ezekiel 16:6-8

And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord. But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his. -Ezekiel 16:14-15

You engaged in prostitution with the Assyrians too, because you were insatiable; and even after that, you still were not satisfied. Then you increased your promiscuity to include Babylonia, and a land of merchants, but even with this you were not satisfied. -Ezekiel 16: 28-29

Yet I will remember the covenant I made with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. -Ezekiel 16:60

Then, when I make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation, declares the Sovereign Lord. -Ezekiel 16:63

I advise everyone to read Ezekiel 16. Especially women. It is one of the most beautiful and accurate pictures of what is really going on between us and God.
Praise the Lord.

How Do We Worship?

2011-05-17T13:21:00.001-04:00

There are so many things in this world that we praise. We praise music and the musicians who write it, we praise art and the artists who make it, we praise films and the people who produce, direct, film, and act in them, we praise buildings and the people who design and build them. All of these things and people receive praise and adoration even though we never were directly provided for by these things and these people. The entire act of our praise is outward, we don't want anything back, we don't expect to get anything from our appreciation.

Why would we praise and adore the Lord and all of a sudden expect something out of it? We should approach worship as a way to give something to our Creator. We may end up feeling wonderful and renewed and energized, but the goal is not to help ourselves. God has already provided for us in every way we could ever possibly ask for, and we deserved not an ounce of it.

Thomas Carlyle said that "Worship is transcendent wonder." Transcendent meaning exceeding or surpassing in degree or excellence. Worship is not about us, worship is all about being in excellent wonder. Much like the popular hymn "How Great Thou Art" states:

O Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hands hath made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Carl Boberg is expressing all of the things that God has done. He is not talking about himself or asking God to give Him something. His "awesome wonder" is completely outward.

God doesn't have to come into our presence or bless us with joy and peace, but He chooses to because He loves us. If we worship as a way to get something for ourselves, then how is that worship at all?

That Blissful Climb

2011-05-15T23:03:00.004-04:00

Most everyone has heard faith described as a series of mountains and valleys. Some may have also heard people say that if you are not progressing forward in your relationship with Jesus, you're falling back.

Now, there are flaws in almost every analogy, but just work with me.

Every moment in your faith you will either climb the mountain or fall down the mountain. When I imagine a mountain top I imagine a time of relief, or of relaxation. Its a time when we stop working so hard and just enjoy. But it is also the end of an accomplishment and a time of preparation for descent. We should never consider anything over, and we should definitely never want to descend. I think that our "mountain tops" are simply the times when climbing the mountain is just so incredibly joyful because we're walking right alongside our Savior. We still have to be faithful in prayer, and consistent in study, and undeviating in obedience because that is what will bring us closer to the blissful presence of our Jesus. We have to continue to surrender and continue to learn and love and accept Him more and more so that we won't fall back down. It can be daunting looking up the mountain. It seems to never end and there are some really tough spots that look impossible to climb. But when you don't want to even start the climb, don't be overwhelmed by the whole slope. Take your first step and then take a second and then a third and a fourth, and when you can't take the fifth step, look beside you and let Jesus hold your hand.

The valleys are inevitable because of our obvious humanity. We will struggle and there will be times when we don't feel delighted or carefree, but we are trusting God because we know Him and He told us during our blissful climb that He would be with us even in the valleys.

Easter Poem

2011-04-24T13:39:00.003-04:00

I am lost for words on this day of salvation.
Jesus died for me and made me a new creation.
Nothing I ever did made me deserve this,
But He loves me and that truth is absolute bliss.

He was beaten and bruised and led out to the hill.
He took on all my sins so that He could fulfill
All of the promises that were made in the past
About a King that would rule, but no one expected this outcast.

But this "Outcast" filled me with hope and love
He saved my soul and allowed me to take hold of
His grace and His power that I deserve in the least
And yet I'll sit with Him at His great feast.

My Jesus died so that this would be true.
My Lord was raised so that I could tell You
Of the greatest love story that could ever be told.
That Jesus is Savior and to Him I'll take hold.

Let Jesus Dress You

2011-03-29T16:08:00.002-04:00

Where did we start? When you were born, how were you defined?
A sinner.
We have all been sinners from the start.
Nothing we do can change that fact. We can't make ourselves any more worthy, or any less worthy. We can't clean up our act, because once we've made it filthy, it's filthy. Its a stain that we can't wash out, and we can't just go out and buy another garment, its the only one we have. That one stain has condemned us. The more stains we put on it does not condemn us further. Once we are imperfect, we can't go to heaven. Heaven is perfect and if anything imperfect entered then it would no longer be heaven. A sentence to hell is eternity and eternity can't be lengthened or shortened. One stain, and we're done.

Graciously, mercifully, and miraculously Jesus gave us his garment that cannot be stained because he's already sealed the deal. He's already lived a flawless, sinless, without fail, perfect life, and he's died. So once we let Him dress us in His perfection, we look just like that to God!

So since we're all saved by grace (Pause for a moment and think about that. Saved by grace. Just think thoroughly through that.) and we all are, in and of ourselves, filthy, unworthy sinners who are condemned to the worst punishment by just one sin, we can't become more awful when we sin more. You're no worse than anyone else when you sin again, and you're no better than the most filthy sinner you can find when you sin less. Sin is sin. In God's eyes a little white lie=cheating=stealing=murder=adultery=sexual immorality. Its all the same. It all sends us to hell until we let Jesus dress us up in his own beautiful, flawless, white robe.
I hope that makes you smile.

Make you Smile

2011-03-25T17:52:00.000-04:00

The Lord leads me in ways you may not understand.
My Father asks me to please Him. He asks me to make Him smile.
I want to make Him smile, even if that means I can't make you smile too.

I will never be all that you want to me be.
I may not live up to all the expectations you have of me.
But I will run hard after God's plan for my life.
Its great than my own.
And it is greater than yours.

I love you, and I wish I could make you smile too, but I hope that eventually a smile will come when you see that I am doing just what the Lord has led me to do.

I'll listen if you fix my problem

2011-03-03T16:18:00.000-05:00

So many people reach the end of their rope and then cry out to God. That prayer often goes something like this: "God, I'll listen to you if you just fix my problem."

I find that interesting. We say that we will do something for God if He does something for us. Can you really do anything for God? Is there anything we can give God that He can't get for himself?

I have heard stories of people praying this prayer and then getting what they asked for. But recently I heard two stories that seemed backwards. The prayer was prayed. Then the person became a Christian. Then their problem was fixed. God doesn't need our "gift" of obedience to fix our problems. We don't have any obedience to give Him. The obedience is a gift too! When we pray prayers like that, I think God hears something more along the lines of, "God, Give me obedience and fix my problem." He wants to give us obedience. And obviously, evidenced by these stories, even when we think its our gift to give, He still gives it to us. He is so good and so patient. He knows our heart, and He is so faithful. When we seek Him, we always find Him! And then we seek Him more and find Him more. But the only reason we even begin to seek is because He's given us a desire for Himself that is built into our being.

Nothing about this life is about us. Everything good is a gift from Him.

Ukuthula, Usindiso, Ukubonga, Ukunquoba, Induduzo

2011-02-10T19:20:00.002-05:00

What a privilege that I have the opportunity to be involved in a choir like the one here at my wonderful university. I get to sing with a group of people who, for the most part, all care deeply about the quality of the music that we make. I get to sing songs about Jesus and listen to people lift His name in praise even when they don't realize that they are glorifying Him whether they want to or not. If I choose to let the Holy Spirit be a part of the rehearsal then I get to worship through song in my classroom every single day. What a beautiful privilege I have. This is one of the songs that particularly effects me every time we sing it. I can feel the heaviness of the Spirit come into the rehearsal room as soon as it starts, and to think about what the words mean makes the song even more fabulous. The great thing about my Lord is that even if the language I'm singing is not my language, He still knows what I'm saying. He hears me praising His son's sacrifice. He hears this group of 30 singers lifting His name and giving thanks for the blood of Jesus. Praise the Lord for bringing peace, redemption, praise, victory, and comfort into the world by the blood of Jesus. Hallelujah.

Ukuthula kulo mhlaba wezono (Aleluya) igazi likeJesu linyeneyz'
Peace in this world of sin the blood of Jesus brings, Hallelujah

Usindiso kulo mhlaba wezono (Aleluya) igazi likeJesu linyeneyz'
Redemption in this world of sin the blood of Jesus brings, Hallelujah

Ukobonga kulo mhlaba wezono (Aleluya) igazi likeJesu linyeneyz'
Praise in this world of sin the blood of Jesus brings, Hallelujah.

Ukunqoba kulo mhlaba wezono (Aleluya) igazi likeJesu linyeneyz'
Victory in this world of sin the blood of Jesus brings, Hallelujah.

Induduzo kulo mhlaba wezono (Aleluya) igazi likeJesu linyeneyz'
Comfort in this world of sin the blood of Jesus brings, Hallelujah.

You Are Impressive

2011-01-04T17:53:00.002-05:00

Today I tried to figure out if I should be impressed by God.

God is good and He is the greatest being in existence. He is unfathomable and incomprehensible.
God does great things that deserve thanks and praise and adoration.

As Christians we should expect great things out of our powerful and perfect Father. Miracles and healing are typical for our Lord. Those things are in His nature. It is a part of Him to do things that seem impossible to us. So since we expect those things, maybe they shouldn't seem impressive.
At the same time "impressive" is like "impression" and so as I learn more about my Father I find things about the same unchanging God that are simply new to me. Those things should be impressive. Also, although we expect things from Him, they are always unexpected. The way that He answers prayers is never something I can figure out. Sometimes He waits months or years, but sometimes He answers prayers instantly. And no matter when or how He answers those prayers always puts me on my knees. No matter how much I expect the answer and believe that there will be an answer, when the answer comes I fall even deeper in love with Jesus because He blows my mind every time.

Impress:

to affect deeply or strongly in mind of feelings; influence in opinion.
to apply with pressure, so as to leave a mark.
to urge, as something to be remembered or done.
to fix deeply or firmly on the mind or memory, as ideas or facts

God is all of those things. Everything He does leaves a mark on His followers. Everything He is affects me deeply. Every time He shows himself He is fixed on my mind. There is nothing about my God that is not impressive.

Although we should believe and be expectant followers understanding that our God can do all that He wants, He is impressive because He cannot appear without changing the hearts and lives of those who see Him.

They Shall Be White as Snow

2010-12-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."
-Isaiah 1:18

Maybe the reason people get so excited about the snow is because it is a beautiful picture of our God. Most obviously, it is white and beautiful. The bible tells us that our sins make us like crimson, but because of Christ's sacrifice we can be made as white as snow. Second, it is so gentle and beautiful while at the same time it can be dangerous. It also can cause people to stop their plans. God's presence calls us to stop and admire, praise, worship, and love Him. All too often we don't stop because we don't recognize Him. I admit to being guilty as well. God demands our worship, and our attention. There is nothing greater than being at His feet and there is no higher calling than to be His servant. Instead of going along with my day as God's presence calls to me, I will stop and acknowledge His greatness. Let the wonder, gentility, and strength of the snow be a reminder of our wonderful Lord.

My Precious Victor Jesus

2010-12-20T01:19:00.000-05:00

How many times was I told to keep my eyes ahead when I run? So why am I looking around now, when the prize is so much greater than coming in first?

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

I so often look around the world on my own to find things. I look for provision, happiness, a husband, satisfaction. There is nothing more important at this time than simply looking ahead and running the race that God has set out for me. God's arms are stretched out wide in front of me, and I should be sprinting to them. I should long for my Jesus so much that I can't stand my human body that keeps me from getting to experience Him fully. Yet I dwell in this body happily and I feel satisfied in my popularity and beauty. I feel fine just going through my day without even once speaking the most precious name I know. I feel perfectly okay without speaking the words that could save a life from eternity away from the Father. I am satisfied with myself when I sing well and make a few people smile. I should love Jesus so much it makes people confused. I should be so obsessed with His glory that people wonder what in the world my purpose in life is. I should long for more of Him so earnestly that there is no mistaking His hold on my life and my heart. I should be running so fast and so hard for Him that the things that may be important and impressive and satisfactory to the world are only a blur in my peripheral vision because I am running so fast and so focused toward my precious victor Jesus.

The Lost Son

2010-11-16T11:49:00.001-05:00

When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servant have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.' So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
-- Luke 15:17-20

So many people don't understand that there is no 'good enough' for God. We can never be good enough. Our lives will never be worth acceptance from God. Praise the Lord that we are not good enough, because if we could be, why would we need God at all? Instead, He pursues us while we're still so far from perfection just like in the parable of the lost son. We don't have to be good enough because when we accept the saving grace of Jesus, his death pays for all of our sins. The father in the parable has been betrayed by his son. His son essentially told him that he'd rather have him dead, and he wants his inheritance now. He then goes and spends it all on immoral things. When the son decides it would be smarter for him to go back and at least be a servant in his father's home he starts on his way back. The father sees his from far away. Without the son ever saying a word his father runs to him without haste. He was so far away, but his father had been watching and waiting for him.

That is how God feels about each of us. He is watching and waiting for you to come home, and when he sees you on the very horizon of salvation, He will run to you and take you in as if you have never sinned against him once. How could you refuse a love like that?

Dear World

2010-11-14T16:09:00.000-05:00

Dear World,

Thank you for persecuting me and considering me insane. By trying to hurt me you are only blessing me. I strive everyday to be more like my Savior. When you tell me I'm crazy, I know I'm doing something right. I want to identify with Jesus, and you're only helping me in that. Don't think you're getting me down by hurting me. You're only pushing me closer to Jesus, which is exactly where I want to be.

Love,
Katie

And so it goes.

2010-08-18T23:54:00.001-04:00

I'm going to miss this. Home. Music fills the rooms. Laughter and joking. Family. The sounds of home. My dad sits strumming his guitar, and the television talks to no one in the background. The crickets chirp in the thick night air. The feelings of home. Safety and security. Love. Comfortability. Easiness. I'm going to miss the morning. Waking up to the sounds of my family going about their business downstairs. I'm going to miss going up to my wonderful mother and resting my head on her shoulder. I'm going to miss being able to cry to my sister. I'm going to miss having my brother to beat up. I'm going to miss the beautiful heart of my wonderful baby sister. I'm going to miss my dad and the way he shows that he cares.

I love you. I'll miss you.

Realizing

2010-08-13T02:42:00.000-04:00

I often find myself realizing the goodness of my gracious Savior. Almost immediately afterward I find myself realizing that I should have made that previous realization much sooner. Almost immediately after my second realization I have a third realization that I have realized his goodness before.
I always thought this was a bad thing. I thought that if I was truly in love with my Lord then I would have remembered His goodness from the last time I experienced it.
God's goodness is never-ending. Not only in time, but in depth and in volume. My realizations never seem to end only because I'm realizing different levels and degrees and aspects of His goodness. I'm not forgetting. God's goodness isn't something you can ever fully comprehend, let alone the first time you realize it.

Jesus

2010-08-01T01:01:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I think its all about me.

Ok... A LOT of the time I think its all about me.

Its not.
Its about Jesus.

Not me.
Not you.
Not the President.
Not the environment.
Not the ozone layer.
Not the universe.
Not your family.
Not your friends.
Not your country.
Not your football or basketball team.
Not your school.

Jesus.
End.
Of.
Story.

A trip on a train

2010-07-27T23:17:00.002-04:00

Today I took a trip on a train. I’m going to visit some friends in Charlotte, and the only way for me to get there is on this train. Its so wonderful. So quiet, so romantic. I feel like I’m travelling across Europe on a grand adventure. What a great way to get around.

I was sitting in my train seat reading my book, and I looked out the window just as I had done many other times throughout my trip. This time something caught my attention. My hands involuntarily fell to my lap along with my book and my head sat back in the seat. These towns. This countryside. This place. It is so beautiful. I marveled at the thrilling simplicity that God creates even through man-made structures. The small country houses left me dreaming. The slow dirt roads left me imagining. I love how the Lord can amaze me just by averting my attention to what is right outside my window.

That's Right

2010-07-26T09:25:00.000-04:00

I've been having lots of doubts lately. All of them have to do with where I am in my life right now. I wasn't quite sure that I was supposed to be at school where I am and in Young Life where I am. I've been asking God for something more than a feeling. For something concrete that I can see and feel. Something that can show me that this is exactly where I should be and that I've made no mistake in my attempts to obey Him.

This weekend I've been visiting in the area where I go to school and do Young Life. Last night I got that confirmation. It was almost literally a huge "thumbs up" from God. It was so real, and I felt it so strongly and was so obviously convicted to be here that there is no mistaking that this is the sign I was asking for. I missed this place. This is just where I need to be and I pray that God would bless my time here and that not a second would be wasted while I'm here doing His work.

*picture taken by: Dr. Pattnaik*

That Moment

2010-07-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

There are those moments.
The ones you anticipate and yearn for. The ones that overwhelm you and give you butterflies. The ones that come and go incredibly too quickly. The ones that leave you breathless. The ones that catch you by surprise.

Then there is that moment.
The one that is a mystery. The moment that isn't just overwhelming, but indescribable. The revelation moment. The epiphany moment. The moment that you realize how huge He is and how tiny you are.

God is so good. He is so incredible to give us these inlets into who He really is. Not only does He give us His word, but He gives us the Holy Spirit who gives us that moment. He gives us the moment when we realize who the Lord truly is.

I want to be so much more in love than I am. I've been falling for my gracious Father again and again, harder and harder these past few weeks. My only desire is to fall harder and farther. I want to be so lost in Him that a person can't see me without seeing Him first. I want to be so occupied with His mission and His will that my worldly mission and desires absolutely disappear.

Get My Priorities Straight

2010-07-15T23:12:00.002-04:00

There are so many things I could say right now. None of them are as important as me leaving my computer to spend time with my Lord Jesus Christ.

Goodnight.

Be My List

2010-06-04T13:17:00.002-04:00

I'm much too competitive for my own good.
It can cause problems quite often.

I want to keep everything for myself. I want to win everything, have everything, have all the attention, and enjoy all the perks. I'm so obsessed with myself. My eyes are so off-focus. The LORD is the one who deserves my attention. Not guys. Not friends. Not work. Not my family. Not my swimmers. Not my chores. Not my beauty. Not my concerns. Not my competition. Not my life at all. Everything comes along with looking to the Lord. I shouldn't have prioritIES. I have ONE priority, and His name is Adonai. All the other things in life that are important for life on this earth will come along with my attention to Him. Seek Ye FIRST the Kingdom of God!
I don't want to have a list; I want you to BE my list, Father.

I can't keep owning everything. What the Lord gave me is His always because I gave it back to Him. I need to make a daily sacrifice to give everything to Him.

Bless my heart, Father.

*picture taken by: U.S. National Archives*

Music Therapy

2010-06-01T22:51:00.001-04:00

Music therapy is a very cool thing.
Some who can't talk can sing.
Some who can't see can play.
Some who can't hear can write and create.

Sometimes a stroke victim who has lost his or her speaking ability can sing, or can be coached to speak through singing.
There is an incredible woman percussionist who can't hear, but can feel the sound.
Many who can't see a thing can play the piano or guitar etc. incredibly well because they have a more acute sense of hearing.

Seriously, check it out at this website its so cool.

*picture taken by: Maggy Beunaventura*

Thick Skin is Like Armor

2010-05-28T11:38:00.003-04:00

Thick skin is like armor. You shouldn't wear it if you're not in battle.

Thick skin can be a good thing when it comes to protecting yourself and keeping your heart and mind and spirit pure. But if someone was to wear that armor all the time then they would never see or experience the world in the way God intended. A suit of metal would never allow a person to feel the tenderness of the touch of someone who loves them, be it the man of woman they love or their family or friends or the Lord.
You should never guard yourself from the man or woman who loves you. Why would you want to miss out on the tenderness of his or her fingers on your cheek and the yearning of his or her heart and the tear falling over his or her cheek for the love and desperation that he or she feels for you? That is love. Love is not scary, and it does not call for any defenses. Love is the absence of defenses. Love is beautiful. Love is only scary if you let it scare you or if you let yourself believe that this person will fall out of love with you or if you never let yourself love back because you don't want to be hurt again. If someone loves you they will not take a sword up against you, they will take up tenderness and affection. They take up a desire in their spirit to strive for something better along side you.
The Lord will most likely speak to you with a tender voice or a gentle whisper, not a loud booming voice. You must let your heart be permeable to Him. You can't keep it locked "safely" behind iron doors. You must open yourself. Be receptive to Him. Yes "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23), but in Phillipians 4:7 it says that "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." You never guard your heart FROM Christ, you always guard it IN Christ. He will always protect it. The best place to leave it is with Him.

Thick skin is a good thing when you are in battle. Put on your thick skin when you are up against the devil, but just keep in mind that the only way you have effective armor is in the Lord and through His Word. Keep your thick skin God-centered. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23a. That is the only "thick skin" or armor that will stand up against an attack from the devil, the defenses you yourself can come up with will only fail. And not only will they fail, but the devil will convince you that you didn't fail.

Its funny how I write so much and yet everything ALWAYS comes back to keeping your eyes fixed on the Lord. "But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge -- do not give me over to death." Psalm 141:8.

*picture taken by: marfis75*

I Was Drowning

2010-05-27T01:23:00.001-04:00

What makes me better than anyone else?
Yes, I'm saved.
Yes, I know I'll be going to heaven when I die.
Yes, I have a heavenly Father who loves me and is powerful above all things.
Yes, I have been changed by the Holy Spirit.
But what does ANY of that have to do with what I have done?
I was dead, already done and drowned at the bottom of the ocean. The Lord pulled me up, revived me, and gave me a life better than the one I had before. The only reason that can happen is because of who the Lord is. I did absolutely nothing to deserve it, in fact, I did everything to deserve the exact opposite.

Who am I to think I am any better than people because of my Lord? That is giving Him a bad name. I am no better than anyone else. I'm probably worse.

I'm sorry for looking down on the people you've created, Lord. I'm sorry for ever thinking that I am good enough to do anything for myself. You are my source of life, the only reason I can breathe. You give me the strength I need to open my eyes every morning and get out of bed. You heal my heart, and you refill it when someone has broken it and spilled everything out. You have taken all of my filth away. You took it and put it on yourself. You have made me perfect in your eyes. None of this is from myself. Everything I am is because of who you are IN me.

I am so unworthy of Your name. Christian.

*picture taken by: alibubba*

"P" Day

2010-05-24T13:06:00.003-04:00

Mmm. I'm having a day with mom. :) Its wonderful. Preschoolers, Panera Bread, and picking up the now-fixed car.

They all start with "p."

Its a "p" day.

Class of 2010

2010-05-23T00:51:00.001-04:00

Graduation. Wow.
Its so crazy how fast people grow up. People I knew when they were in 2nd grade are now graduating from high school going on to college.
Anytime I think about how everyone is growing up and going off to build their lives I think about how fast everything in my life has gone by. Its crazy that my high school graduation was 2 years ago, but it feels so recently. Even my first day of high school and moving to North Carolina seem so recent. The last few years have gone by so quickly. "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." --James 4:14.

I was so glad to be able to celebrate with my friends, and I can't wait to spend the summer with them.

Congratulations to you Daryl, Rebecca, Katherine, Courtney, Rachel, and Anna. You are incredible girls and I can't wait to see where the Lord leads you in life.

*picture taken by: Lowry Lou*

Speak Up!

2010-05-22T13:29:00.003-04:00

Most people do not enjoy when others are outspoken. No matter what it is.

I would say that my views in the world would make me a conservative. I think that the world should be taken care of, but I don't devote my every moment to saving it. I am also a devoted daughter of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Now it is probably expected that when someone is outspoken about their liberal views that I would not enjoy those moments, but even when someone is too outspoken about their conservative views, I'm always a little bit annoyed at that. When someone is all gung-ho about saving the world one tree at a time, or go green, think green, act green (whatever it might be) I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. The saddest thing of all is that even when someone is too outspoken about their faith, it bothers me. How horrible am I? I should be cheering them on.

I think the reason that I get so miffed at moments like this is that I can't be that way myself. I wish I could be outgoing and outspoken about my faith and my views, but it's too hard for me. So when someone else comes along and is capable of being outspoken, I react by being annoyed because that is the easiest way for me to deal with my jealousy.

I can't fault others for speaking up about what they believe in. I can be proud of the ones who can and do speak up, and I can speak up on my own behalf.

*picture taken by: Little Miss Sunshine*

Freedom

2010-05-20T23:26:00.009-04:00

Animals born into captivity know nothing of life but captivity. Their nature is to be wild, but they've never actually experienced it so they never know how truly satisfying it is. Their lifestyle doesn't quite match up with their nature, but they never understand their nature to live that way. When an animal raised in captivity is offered release, often times it is scared. It is hesitant to take the freedom it is being offered because it is new and it's a change and it's scary. So it stays. It doesn't take the freedom that it is being offered despite the fact that its nature is to be free.

I think people are like that.

Everyone is born into captivity (Romans 3:23 -- For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God). Everyone is a sinner. We're born that way. But we're also born with the nature of being like God (Genesis 9:6 -- for in the imagine of God has God made man). Our nature contradicts our lifestyle. We're made to be free as citizens of the kingdom of heaven. But too many people are scared of that. Too many people don't understand the satisfaction and godly pleasure of being free in Christ. It's not just a set of rules to follow. I can say from first hand experience that obeying the law of the Lord is an absolute delight and has made my life much easier than the times when I failed to follow the law of the Lord.

America is called the "Land of the Free." Many people in America are American citizens. They are attached to the country because of their citizenship, but that does not mean that they aren't free. They are, in fact, more free than they would be in almost any other country. They are still citizens. Citizenship in the kingdom of heaven is the same thing. Pleasing the Lord is a delight and a privilege, and citizenship in his kingdom isn't a surrender of freedom, it is exactly the opposite.

Don't be afraid of the freedom that the Lord is offering you because it looks scary and unknown. Take it! It's true! It's really freedom. It is a far cry from "another list of rules." Being a citizenship in the kingdom of heaven is a privilege, a delight, an honor, and a freedom.

*picture taken by: The Visions of Kai*

the world needs more kids as adorable as this.

2010-05-19T16:44:00.004-04:00

God is so much more.

2010-05-19T00:13:00.004-04:00

I am the most humany human in existance.
I want out of myself!

I want to get away from the prison that is my body.

I am so tired of letting my humanness and my physicalness hold me back.

I want my heart to take over.

I want to be bold.

I want to do things that aren't quite so typical.

I want to break away from the expectations that the world has for me.

I want to do things because I know that the Lord has them for me.

I want to stop being so scared of being radical.

I want to stop letting myself rule out certain possibilities because they are "too crazy."

God is so much bigger than this!
God is so much better than this.

God can make me so so so small and that is exactly what my heart desires.

God can take me away from myself when I'm with him because He's God!

God can get rid of the restraints that I have because of my "humanness."

God can be bold, and he can take over and make me bold.

God does completely atypical things!

God has never conformed to the world's expectations!

God is so far above all of this nonsense.

God can be as crazy as He wants because, He can make absolutely anything work for the better of his glory and His kingdom.

God, make me more like you everyday. And get rid of me. I'm so foolish and so silly. I'm so ready to get away from myself.

*picture taken by: Khalid Ghamdi*

I Don't Do What I Know

2010-05-18T15:43:00.004-04:00

My knowledge often seems to not quite match up with the attitude of my heart.

Here are some things I know:

1. Jesus Christ and his story are the most important things I could ever tell someone.

2. Jesus is more worthy than anything else of my attention and time.

3. Christ is the only thing that keeps me alive.

4. The things of this world are fading and fleeting.

5. Life is short.

6. God thinks I'm the most beautiful thing in the world.

Here are some things I do about it:

1. I pass up some opportunities to tell people this ever-important story.

2. I give my attention and time to myself, friends, boys, and worldly things.

3. I rely on my own capabilities to provide for me and keep me safe and happy.

4. I pursue fortune, beauty, fame, popularity, praise, and approval from the world.

5. I waste my time with things that do nothing to further the Kingdom of Heaven.

6. I look down upon myself and use the expectations of the world to judge myself.

Lord, help me to match my heart with my mind. Show me how to live as I KNOW I should. Teach me how to feel and desire and do the things I know rather than only know them.

Make me less.

*picture taken by: ^i^heavensdarkangel2*

I do, I do..

2010-05-14T19:00:00.000-04:00

Hey.

I love Jesus :)

My Unknown Thirst

2010-05-14T14:17:00.008-04:00

"As the Samaritan woman [in John 4:7-26] discovered, it doesn’t matter how many times we may try to rearrange our relationships and reorder our lives. Until we find relief for the soul, everything else will be nothing more than a distraction—a very temporary one at that—from our fundamental craving for living water.

Most of us haven't gone through five spouses, but we have gone through jobs, five moves, five weight-loss programs, or five churches -- and still the insatiable thirst continues. We will never find what we are looking for in the things we pick up along the way. Not even the religious things. Not even important things like relationships. All of these things will leave our souls empty if we try to force them to satisfy our thirst. The true object of our search is nothing less than an encounter with the Holy One."

-M. Craig Barnes -- Sacred Thirst

I think that a lot of times people will read something like this and think, Thank goodness thats not me. It would be terrible to not have my life together like I do. When in reality they are the most thirsty. People who don't believe in the Lord may also feel that way. Thinking wow, I'm glad I don't believe like these people do, they must be miserable. Thats not how it works. If at any point in my life I don't feel the thirst it is because I am denying is there because I want so badly to be satisfied by these earthly things that are so momentarily enjoyable. I was there for a long time. Thinking everything was fine because I was momentarily enjoying myself in earthly pleasures. God wants us to delight in him. He's there, waiting for us to come drink him in.

Oh how horribly mistaken I was.

Thank you, Father for showing me my thirst. I'd rather be thirsty for You and striving for more of You than falsely satisfied in the world.

*picture taken by: Cristiano Pecanha*

I Long For You

2010-05-13T01:20:00.003-04:00

Father, you are better than all of this. You are above everything. I cannot mess up your plan no matter how hard I try. I long for the joy that I used to have in You. I long to feel your control and your power like I used to. I so desire a feeling of assuredness that You do not fail. I have been relying on myself for so long. That is so foolish! I know I am not reliable, so what am I thinking depending on myself for hope.

You are the giver of all hope.

You are the giver of all life.

You are the maker of me.

You know my every thought.

You are the lover of my soul.

I don't deserve You.

Thank you.

*picture taken by: Jade M. Sheldon*

He will...

2010-05-12T17:01:00.001-04:00

My husband will love me and care about me and love the Lord and he will be able to forgive me for not saving some things for him. He is going to be wonderful. He is going to love the Lord with all of his life. He is going to motivate me to love the Lord more, and invest in my relationship with the Lord. He is going to be my love, and my best friend. I'll look to him, and I'll confide in him. He'll joke around with me, and laugh with me. He'll look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. He'll hold me as if I could break. He'll think I'm precious and I'll be so special to him. We will honor the Lord with our lives and our time and our money and our words and our actions.

I can't wait.

time for something new

2010-05-12T16:38:00.002-04:00

I'm here. It feels surreal. I can't believe its over. I will never ever forget this school year. I almost hope I will in some ways. I've never been through so much in 8 months.

I remember going back to school in August so sure and excited about how things would happen. I knew that I was over him, and I was even moving on. But that conviction didn't last long. I fell all over again and it only took one second, literally.

I had so many firsts. My first recital. My first time playing guitar for people. My first C, unfortunately. My first "hit" song. :) My first apartment. My first cooking lesson. My first surprise birthday party. My first boyfriend. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first breakup. My first (and second and third and fourth) forever goodbye.

And now the next time all those things come around they'll be my seconds. I wish that wasn't how it had to be. I wish I still had a lot of those firsts to come. I wish I hadn't given so much of my heart away and I wish I still had my first love and first kiss and first boyfriend to give to someone who loves me and plans to marry me.

Time goes on, though, and I have to move on with it. Not ahead of it waiting for tomorrow to bring my hopes along; not lagging behind looking around at the memories of my yesterdays, but with it. Looking at each day as it is. Where am I right now? I have to see today to have memories tomorrow.

Hearts will heal, and I can forgive myself.

I'm home. I'm here. Now is the time for something new.

a good conversation

2010-05-11T02:36:00.001-04:00

There’s nothing I appreciate more than a good conversation. I absolutely adore talking to people I love. I love the moment where I just know that the person I’m talking to said something special to me that they don’t really tell too many people. I love opening up to people. I love being honest and vulnerable with people. I love letting people know that I trust them. I love staying up all night when I had planned on going to bed at eleven. The feeling of saying goodbye after a great conversation is never sad for me, it is fulfilling. It is completing. I love how God gave me this love and enjoyment in conversation, and I pray that I will use it for his glory. He deserves it, after all.

Change

2010-05-03T11:23:00.003-04:00

Its never hurt so bad to say goodbye. I've never really had to do this. Say goodbye to people that I might not ever see again. And if I do see them again, I don't know when and it could only be once or twice. The first and probably hardest goodbye was 4 days ago. Precisely 3 days 23 hours and about 15 minutes ago. I have one more goodbye today, and, depending on circumstances, either one or 4 goodbyes tomorrow. I can't do this. It just feel like everything should be so different than it is. I really don't want this school year to end. I hate change.

I'm better for the time we spent together

2010-04-30T01:35:00.003-04:00

And I bless the day I met you,

And I thanks God that He let you

Lay beside me for a moment that lives on.

And the good news is I'm better

For the time we spent together,

And the bad news if you're gone.

Thank you Diamond Rio for a perfect way of explaining how I feel. This is perfect right now.

I'm just gone.

2010-04-25T17:58:00.002-04:00

I'm so far lost.

Stumbling.

Falling.

Steep hills, and sharp cliffs.

I'm lame, Father.

Give me legs.

Stop the tears.

Heal my heart.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I'm just... gone.

The Perfect Moment

2010-04-09T15:58:00.003-04:00

I'm having that feeling. The one where nothing seems hopeful. The one where I'm not excited about anything. The one where I just feel sad about every possible way I could spend my time in the near future. I don't want to go to dinner now. I don't want to cook dinner later. I don't want to go to this comedy show tonight. I don't want to hang out with my friends. I don't want to sleep in tomorrow. I'm just sad.

I want to live in a moment of my choosing forever. Personally, I would choose January 12, 2010 around 4:15 pm. The perfect moment.

I want everything in my life to magically come together. I don't want to keep waiting. I don't know whats wrong with me. My life used to feel put together. My life used to feel great. I loved my family, I loved my friends, I didn't have any boy problems to worry about, I was an athlete and I loved it, and I had an amazing church that helped me grow in my faith constantly. What happened to that? I must have been deceived. Life can never be perfectly put together. Life is a process. When I see my Lord, that is when I will feel completely satisfied. That is the perfect moment, and the good news is, I really will live in that moment forever.

I am not good enough

2010-04-08T15:51:00.005-04:00

200th post!!

Too bad its going to be super short. Oh well.. I'm about to leave for work (without shoes on!!) TOMS - A Day Without Shoes

God loves me. I don't get it. Like for real. Its been on my mind the past few weeks. God (think about who he is for a second...............................) yeah... him... WOWW!! (I know) That guy.. is crazy in love with me. BUTT not only that... he lets me do stuff. He gives me stuff. He blesses me. I am not good enough to rub his feet, or tie his shoe, or pick up his pencil, or cut his finger nails, or even cut his toe nails. AND YET.. I get to talk to people about him and basically be like... his rep on earth. Gosh. I fail at that a lot. I'm sorry, Father. I don't really understand why you'd ask someone so incompetent to help you do something like this. But thank you.

I can't think of a good title

2010-04-04T00:07:00.001-04:00

It’s just about impossible for me to imagine how my life got this far from where it was just 3 months ago. I was so determined. So set in how everything would work. I was following the Lord. I was caught up in his plan for my life. I was passionate about letting him work in my life and letting him set my path instead of taking over and steering things my way. I failed. I wanted to be in so much of a different place right now. I guess I relied too much on myself. I got so determined that I didn’t even think I needed God’s help. I even remember, at one pivotal time, hearing him say something to me. It was so clear what he wanted me to do. Instead I stayed still because it was the easy thing to do. It would be more difficult to get up and do what he wanted me to do, so I just sat there. I let my life get this way. I put my heart in this situation and condition. How could I be so stupid? How could I be such a hypocrite, Father? I’m sorry for failing you time and time again. I’m sorry for not doing something hard sooner. A friend once told me that a good motto to have in life is simply, “Do hard things.” It’s true. Most of the right things are harder. Most things that are holy and good and godly are hard and seem like the opposite of everyone else because we live in the world and the world leads us down the easy, wide, and sinful path. God leads us on the narrow, godly, sometimes difficult path.

Life is a steep mountain. We are the climbers. Heaven is the beautiful, breath-taking mountain top.

God thought of it all first

2010-03-25T00:36:00.003-04:00

People credit other people for the beauty of man-made landscapes. They credit architects for the beauty of an intricate building. People credit others for creating paintings and writing music.

We wouldn't even consider having ideas like that had it not been for the incredible creation that the Lord gave us.

Landscaping: God made the first lake, and the first tree, and the first bush, and the first blade of grass, and the first flower. No man could create a flower or a tree and I would like to see someone think to dig a big huge hole in the ground and put water in it.

Buildings: God made the first mountain. He formed every rock wall and tall structure on the earth. He put rocks on top of each other where no man would ever think to put them. He is the original architect.

Paintings: You think your pretty little picture of your mom is good? You think a nice picture of something artistic looking is beautiful? You think your oil painting of the mountains is eye-catching? God paints the sky every night and every morning. And there has to yet to be a morning sunrise or evening sunset that I've seen that hasn't taken me aback and demanded my full attention if only for a moment. Every single time I see a sunset or sunrise I must mention it to someone else. I must share the incredible beauty that God has provided for me.

Music: It almost makes me laugh to think about music and how obvious it is that God created it first. God had already created everything about music, we were just figuring it out! Not only did he make the bird and every part of its insides and outside, but he created for the bird a song. And not only did he create a song for the birds, each bird has a different song! And the songs interact to make an even bigger song. And oh how gorgeous it all sounds together. Who has been able to compose something like the songs of the birds that, although it is played every single morning, will never get old or boring. Hearing the birds in the morning will, without fail, make me smile. Oh God, how you've blessed us.

Why? We are so unworthy of the sound of your precious name.

Jumbled.

2010-03-20T02:07:00.003-04:00

Warning: What you are about to read is confusing, jumbled, and random. Read at your own risk.

The other day I looked in the mirror and thought, "I look better WITHOUT my makeup."

Wow!

I never thought I'd be at this point.

Lord,

I'm dumb. I've been messing up a lot. I'm sorry. I feel ashamed even addressing you. I am not worthy to speak your name. But despite my stupidity and shame you've blessed me with the knowledge that I AM beautiful without altering my face. I am beautiful because of who you made me to be and because you shine through me.

I'm so privileged and honored that you chose me to shine through. Please help me. I'm so so horrible and so so not worthy of You.

I can't believe you've chosen me. I honestly have no idea why. I'm so incapable. I'm so disobedient. I'm so sinful. I'm so dumb. I'm so human. You could do all of this yourself, but you let us help out. You give us the blessing of being in a relationship with you and getting to do your work here on earth.

What a blessing, Lord!

Forgive me. Take away my shame. Lift my eyes. Get my head out of this world and into your Spirit. You are a wonderful, loving, omnipotent, perfect, beautiful Father. Oh, God, thank you!

Forgiven,
Katie

One of those days.

2010-03-06T12:41:00.002-05:00

Today is just one of those days. I've only been awake for about 40 minutes (it was a long and tiring week) and I'm already in a bad mood. I shouldn't feel this way. Its so stupid of me. Its so dumb that something so simple, and so (most likely) innocent would make me this way.

God, where are you? I don't understand why this is happening. I did everything right! I was faithful to you first. What happened?

My heart hurts. I feel like it does that a lot. I don't really like it.

Love and Be Loved

2010-02-26T09:36:00.002-05:00

So today I looked at a picture of myself from one of my Lent days where I wasn't wearing makeup. And guess what I thought... "I look pretty in this picture."
WOW! The Lord is changing me, and forming me into his daughter. The one that doesn't need a painted face to feel good. I feel good simply because I have my Jesus. I feel good because there's nothing else that matters more in the world than being with Him. How lucky am I that I get to spend time with the King of kings and the Lord of lords. I get to love and be loved by my creator, sustainer, and life-giver. I get to bask in the heavenly and infinite glory and majesty of the One who let ME (the sinner, deceiver, and rebel) switch places with his perfect, spotless, absolutely 100% wonderful son.

Everyday I realize more how little I deserve all I have.

Look, My Daughter.

2010-02-25T09:05:00.010-05:00

ME:

Father,

Its me. Yeah, me, Katie. The one who fails you, and hurts you, and lies to you, and steals from you, and takes you for granted, and sins against you, and lets you down, and basically punches you in the face every single day. I would say I love you, but that person doesn't sound like someone who's in love with you. I do love you, but I don't understand why I'd do that to someone I love. I can't believe I hurt you that way. I can't believe I'm so evil. Please forgive me, Father. I know you don't have to, but I'm begging you. I'd understand if you didn't want to talk to me, though. I'd understand if you shunned me forever. I'd understand if you turned your back on me and forsook me. I'd understand if you just punched me back. I'd understand if you took back the gifts you've given me. I'd understand if you erased my name from your book. I'd understand if you disowned me as your daughter. I'd understand if you sent me to hell. It'd be okay. It'd be just like anyone else would do. I deserve every punishment you can possibly think of.

FATHER:
Come here, daughter, let me wrap my arms around you. Let me take away everything that holds you back. Look, my daughter, you're clean. You're beautiful. You're perfect. Just like I made you to be. I love you more than anyone on earth could ever imagine loving you. I'm crazy about you, and I will never forsake you.

Praise the Good Lord for who He is.

Thank you...

2010-02-22T09:10:00.005-05:00

Thank you, Father, for people who really care about me.

Thank you for things in common.

Thank you for support.

Thank you for people that I can cry to.

Thank you for someone who can support me because they're the only one who understands.

Thank you for your glory.

Thank you for my privilege to come to you personally with my thanks, praises, problems, and sorrows.

Thank you that you can get inside someone's heart and change them completely.

Thank you for the way You pick me up when I fall, hold me when I'm weak, and chase after me when I'm running as fast as I can away from You.

I don't deserve any of this.

Lovee...

2010-02-19T14:44:00.003-05:00

I feel pretty today. It may be a combination of things, but I did not expect to feel good about myself so soon in this lent process.

I have the best friends in the world. God gave me so many wonderful people in my life that love me so much and I can't believe I ever complained about it. I can't believe I ever took them for granted or was ever unhappy with my life. I live with one of the best people I could imagine living with, and she is so wonderful and kind and loving to me, I don't deserve it. I know that none of the people I'm talking about really read this, but they are amazing. I've found myself calling school "home" recently. I've never done that, and I'm glad I can finally feel at home here.

Father, you are so good to me. I can't believe I've been running away for so long. I was so dumb, so horrible to you, so rude. I took for granted the best gift in history. Please don't let me do that again.

Beautiful

2010-02-17T11:01:00.008-05:00

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep

I count on the make-up to cover it all

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I never had any idea how easy it is to see myself in a negative light until recently. Suddenly I find myself trying to please the world and trying to look "beautiful" according to the standards of other people.

I've never participated in the tradition of the 40 days of Lent. This year there was something on my heart that I felt could greatly help my self-image. I decided to not use any makeup for the duration of the Lent holiday. First of all, I need to spend that time that I spent putting on my face in the word. I got to spend just a few more minutes in God's word this morning, and it was wonderful. Second, I don't need makeup to look beautiful. God has made me who I am, and He's made me in His OWN image! I am gorgeous! I have to stop letting people tell me I need to be tanner, or be skinnier, or work out more, or wear tighter clothes, or more revealing tops to be beautiful. A friend of mine put it best by saying: "It's not make up that makes people beautiful. Make up or not, true beauty shines through." The make up isn't a sin. Its not a bad thing unless it is used as a crutch. It is something I need to learn to feel confident without. Real beauty isn't something that can be enhanced with blush, or eye shadow, or mascara. Real beauty will be obvious with or without those things.

Christ makes me beautiful, and he defines my beauty.

Pleasing the Crowd

2010-02-05T15:57:00.001-05:00

Wanting to please the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

-Mark 15:15

This is what I do to my Lord constantly. How could I be so selfish?

So Typical...

2010-02-02T01:05:00.002-05:00

I'm so normal. So average. So run-of-the-mill. So typical.

I want to be more than normal. I want God to take the place of my normalcy. I want Him to wash away any average speck on me. I pray that He would keep me from being run-of-the-mill and typical. I desire that He would take over my life, my love, my hopes, my dreams, my motivations, and everything in between and before and beyond all of that. He's so much better.

"Cause I know there's got to be another level

Somewhere closer to the other side

And I'm feeling like it's now or never

Can I break the spell of the typical."

--Mute Math

Break the spell of my typical life, Father.

On or Off

2010-01-27T21:49:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: I am about to sound very stuck-up, very conceited, and extremely self-righteous.

But sometimes I just wish people would quit acting like they love Jesus sometimes. Either get on or off the Jesus wagon. Don't dangle your feet off the back, or run along side, or come find it when you run out of supplies, or hop with one foot off and one foot on. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I mess up constantly, so maybe I'm talking as much to myself as anyone else, but I really want people to just be with Jesus or not.

Yeah, that sounded just as self-righteous as I expected it too. :( Sorry.

Good Outweighs the Bad

2010-01-22T19:40:00.002-05:00

Here are some words that describe my heart:

- Delighted

- Joyful

- Love

- Satisfied

- Filled

- Overflowing!

- Relieved

and yet

- Sorry

- Regretful

The good outweighs the bad. Some might call my day not so great. I'd say judging by the way my heart feels at the moment... it was a good day.

They're Colorful

2010-01-19T23:49:00.005-05:00

There are some words in my head that want to come out. But they aren't really words, just feelings or pictures. But I can't really see the pictures very well. There we go, there are some blurry pictures in my head that want to be words, but I can't interpret them quite yet. I know they're colorful and there's more than one. Maybe two or three pictures. They're beautiful I'm sure. I'll let you know when I can see them clearly.

All I know right now is God is good and great and wonderful and incredible. And He loves me, for some odd reason.

Praise the Lord.

Love is Patient... Who Knew?

2010-01-16T18:15:00.004-05:00

I've learned more in the past few months about loving people and caring for them than I've learned in the span of my entire life. I've learned how to care about someone when thats the last thing I want to do. I've learned how to be selfless in the love and care that I show someone. I've learned how to put up with their mistakes because "love is patient." I've learned how to love like Christ by not minding when someone does something wrong. I've realized that if its hard for me to remain patient and loving through all of this, then I can't imagine how Christ felt when people treated him so badly and took advantage of the fact that he loved them, and how God feels when I do something wrong, ask for forgiveness, and then just do it all over again. He doesn't even experience that with just one person, he experiences it with billions.

Forgive me Father for hurting you every time I lie, steal, cheat, hurt someone, curse you, am unfaithful, and for all the other uncountable ways I hurt you. I don't know how to be perfect and I am clueless as to how to please you in every way. Show me, Lord.

Sometimes.

2010-01-14T22:35:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I keep my guard up. Sometimes I regret it.

Life is confusing.

Little Girl

2010-01-14T01:34:00.003-05:00

I am such a silly girl.

Lord, don't let me be such a silly little girl all the time.

You

2010-01-11T10:38:00.001-05:00

People make mistakes

They fail you more and you can hardly take

The inconsistency that they provide

But I have someone else who is better

When no one is there, you surround me.

When I need someone to cry on, you are sitting right beside me

And my prayers always reach to your ears

You say, daughter, i am pleased, i am here.

Back.

2010-01-05T21:52:00.003-05:00

And so here we are. Back at school. I am so glad to be back. I missed this place. Its my second home. I'm looking forward to classes and friends and Young Life.

This going to be an educational semester, in every sense of the word and in every aspect of life. I'm going to have a hard time. Its ok to spontaneously cry, right?

I was born without a body...

2010-01-05T00:55:00.001-05:00

My name is Billy Evans.

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know.

Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with Disney World and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You, Billy "Smiley" Evans

Oh God, Thank you for Being God!

2010-01-04T22:50:00.003-05:00

God is so good.

I mess up.

He uses me.

Despite my blatant disregard to his obvious will for my life.

I do not deserve to have a Father like that.

Your strength, my wonderful Savior Jesus, is made perfect in my weakness.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 2:9-10

Praise the Lord.

And So Begins the Night

2009-12-31T19:06:00.005-05:00

Nope there is no way I can do this. I cannot go there. I cannot act happy when I'm torn apart inside.

"We can't go," I say as she finishes her sandwich, "I can't hold myself up."

"This is your best chance. I'll be there for you." She tells me, reassuring me that I have her to lean on.

As we finish our dinner and begin to find clothes suitable for public appearance, I cannot help but keep thinking about how I'll feel once we get there. I'll feel scared, out of place, unsure, and torn. But I know that this really is the best time for me to go. At least I'll have her there with me.

So we leave. We say goodbye to my wonderful roommates and they wish us well and give me words of reassurance. We open the door and I am feeling better. I have people behind me, and not only that I have the steadfast and unyielding love and support of my Lord Jesus Christ holding my hand. What could be better than that?

We make our way down the first stretch of sidewalk. With each step I take I count the blocks of cement. I am distracted for a moment until I realize where my feet are taking me. What am I doing? Why do I even have to do this? What am I supposed to say? Wait, stop. Everything will be fine. I do my best to gather my thoughts once again and I focus on the incredibly wonderful and resolute friend I have walking beside me. She smiles in my direction, and I feel consoled. As we make the turn to walk behind the second building and up my street I am sure that it will all be fine. It won't be normal, but I am a strong woman of God. I have the power of the universe on my side, nothing can defeat me. We come to turn beside the library and we enter the quad. No. This is it. The last stretch. I don't want to do this. I never wanted to do this. I just want it to all be back to normal. If its not normal I don't want it. I can't stand strong when all I want to do is fall. My knees start to shake and I'm sure that I am going to fall. There is no way I can carry myself any further. But my feet keep moving. My legs keep picking up and setting down and my body moves forward. Now we are past the quad and we turn onto the sidewalk that faces the building. His building. My heart is pounding and my knees keep shaking. I then realize that this entire walk has been in silence.

I turn to her and say, "This is crazy. I'm going to fall apart. I'll go back, you go visit. I can't do this."

She stops, looks at me, and says, "You are more than this. God is more than this. Life will go on whether you want to go with it or not. I've never known anyone more determined than you, and I know without a doubt that you are capable of getting through tonight."

She turns away, takes my hand, and holds it tight as she leads me, shaking hands, knocking knees, pounding heart and all, to the building. We step onto the first stair. Then the second. Then the third. Before long I lose count and we're suddenly at the top. There it is. The window. His window. And his door. As she continues to hold my hand she turns to me and hugs me tight. The kind of hug only she can give. She then knocks twice on the door and proceeds to turn the knob. After what seems like an eternity she sees the people inside and smiles wide. My eyes quickly dash across the room to find him. He sits on the couch. Looking so incredibly worn. I quickly avert my gaze to avoid eye contact, but my heart feels as though it is going to come through my chest. I can hear each pump of blood in my ears and I can feel my knees being to give under the weight of my body. My hands are noticeably shaking and I'm sure everyone can see my chest beating up and down in rhythm with my heart. My friend proceeds to greet them with hugs. After each person hugs her they move past to me. The first is a friend I've known to be more helpful than most people know, especially in the times when his friends need him. He smiles at me, and holds me for a moment. Then comes the next. He is a friend who was with me through everything. Supporting me and helping me every single day of my hurt. He gives me a look only I can see and says hello in the most caring tone he can possibly produce. Then he is there. To avoid any awkward confrontation I move to hug him before any palpable pause can be noticed. We pull away and he immediately turns to sit down again. The jokes and laughter begin while small talk is contrived in side exchanges.

And so begins the night.

I'm a confusing person..

2009-12-26T02:17:00.003-05:00

Its funny how one day you can look at a picture and smile and just be filled with this indescribable kind of joy and the next day you look at the same picture and only want to cry. One day's laugh is the next day's wail, and one day's love is the next day's desperation.

I learned something in the past 3 days:

Guard your heart because it is precious, and someday you'll give it to a man who will truly love you and long to spend his life with you. You don't want to give him a broken one. So keep it safe.

happy times..

2009-12-25T05:15:00.002-05:00

Summer campfires. Guitar playing softly while some sing along. Marshmallows. Best friends. Shorts and t-shirts.

I could use some happy times.

mmm...

2009-12-25T04:18:00.000-05:00

Coldplay

Yes

When it started we had high hopes;
now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes...
When it started we were alright,
but night makes a fool of us in daylight.

There we were dying of frustration,
saying, "Lord lead me not into temptation."
But it's not easy when she turns you on...
since they've gone.

If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows I'm trying my best,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.

So up they picked me by the big toe;
I was held from the rooftop, then they let it go.
If there's any screaming let the windows down,
as I crawl to the ground.

If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows she won't let me rest,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.
I've become so tired of this loneliness

nope.

2009-12-24T17:03:00.001-05:00

Words don't want to come out of me today.

He Doesn't Disappoint

2009-12-23T15:41:00.002-05:00

Yeah, anytime I ever tried to write for anyone else, I was being stupid. Anytime I ever did anything for anyone other than Christ I was stupid. He's the only thing in this world that won't leave me and won't hurt me and won't break my heart. He heals my heart. He doesn't ever tell me he just doesn't love me anymore. He will never love me any less than he always has. He doesn't disappoint. He satisfies. He doesn't get in a bad mood. He's constant. He doesn't hurt me so bad I cry. He holds me under his wing and he gives me tears of joy and praise. He doesn't leave me. He said that he won't ever leave or forsake me. He doesn't sin. He's perfect. He doesn't insult me. I am his beautiful child. He doesn't make me feel less than I am. He lifts me up and raises me so I can stand on mountains.

Humans disappoint, God never will.

I Used to Write for Myself

2009-12-22T23:43:00.003-05:00

I used to write for myself. To get things off of my chest or to express some happiness in my life. But now I write for other people. I guess thats why I hate it, because I'm writing it for other people, but no one reads it and I want them to.

Ughh

2009-12-22T14:18:00.001-05:00

I'm really starting to hate this blog.

Words Couldn't Express

2009-12-16T18:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was writing a letter to someone and before I wrote it I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew what feeling I wanted to portray in the letter, and although I hadn't thought it out word for word I knew what it was that I wanted to end up being written on my paper. At the end I read it again thinking that I would be completely satisfied with what I'd said. After I'd gone over the letter again I couldn't help but think that it wasn't right. Like there was something that I needed to say that I didn't have words for. I let it go, deciding to rewrite the letter later. I went to do my devotions and one of the passages I was reading that night was Romans 8:18-27 and verse 26 seemed to perfectly describe my feelings about the letter. It says:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

I guess thats exactly how I felt. I wanted to say something, and I did feel like the Spirit had something He wanted me to say, but words really couldn't express it.

Its so cool how God works His word into our lives in practical ways.

*picture taken by: Paul L McCord Jr*

I'm a Kid Again

2009-11-27T23:19:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was just about perfect. I woke up to the sounds of my family laughing and talking in the living room and making waffles with strawberries and whip cream (which is probably one of the best breakfasts ever). Afterwards we sat down to just watch TV together. This might seem like the simplest, most monotonous activity to some, but to me its a treat. I can't remember the last time I'd just sat down to spend time with my family like that. Especially with these cousins and grandparents. Its a rare indulgence that all of us are in the same place at the same time. We watched "Curious George" (which is not a Thanksgiving movie of any sorts) but is one of the most adorable movies I can think of, maybe its just the monkey thats adorable. We ate lunch together and had a big family dinner too. We even went bowling later. I love being here.

What I noticed most about this week is how much I rely on and enjoy the company of my mother. She's a rock. I love turning around and seeing her there in the kitchen or on the couch. I love hanging onto her arm while we walk or just having her ask me whether or not I want to go to Walmart. Its so special to me to be able to ask her where something is or whether or not I have a fever.

I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready to be alone. I always say that I act like I'm a kid still, and it can be so true. Being an adult is boring. I want to go back to playing in the pool for 4 hours at a time, and wanting to eat the entire box of ice cream, and fighting to stay awake for just 30 more minutes to watch one more episode on nick@nite. I want to make home videos about my cat, and make forts in the woods, and have birthday parties with "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" and relay races.

Growing up is hard.

*picture taken by: creativecupcakes*

I've Got Nothin'

2009-11-11T09:35:00.005-05:00

I can't do anymore. I'm out of ideas. Nothing I say helps, and everything I do doesn't seem to make a difference.

It hurts when someone you care about tells you how their life is falling apart, and no one likes them, and all they want to do is drink their cares away. I tried. I said what I thought might hit a nerve, hit her heart, hit something with feeling, but there is nothing left for me to do or say. All I can do is love. But why me? Why, God, did you decide to give this to me? I feel so drained, and its only been 2 days! I feel emotionally and spiritually empty. She says there isn't any hope for her, and now I'm starting to feel the same way, only about myself. There doesn't seem to be any hope left for me to save her, except through your mighty hand. But I have nothing. I've said everything I could think of. I've told her everything of importance.

What am I supposed to do now?

*picture taken by: Mashael Al-Shuwayer*

Remember those Pokemon cards?

2009-10-18T01:35:00.004-04:00

Remember Pokemon cards? I don't know about you, but they were so important to me. I thought that the only way for me to be cool was to have Pokemon cards. I didn't have very many, but I wanted them so badly. They were the coolest things in the world, and they were a measure of my popularity.

You know whats funny?

They don't matter anymore.

Things that seem so important right now probably won't be important at all in a small matter of time.

Invest in things that will last.

*picture taken by: Visor Perú*

Every Moment

2009-10-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else find it interesting that each moment for all of eternity has a different name? Right now its October 3, 2009 at 4:15 and some odd seconds and some odd milliseconds and so on and so forth. It will never be October 3, 2009 at 4:15 and some odd seconds and some odd milliseconds again. There is no rewind, no redo, not even a replay. When it passes it passes. I find that almost scary. No matter what I do, I'll never be able to change what I did in the past, only maybe make up for it in the future.

Make the most of every moment. You'll never have it again.

*picture taken by: The Starry Eyed*

Nothing

2009-10-03T02:14:00.000-04:00

This is not something I can handle on my own. I need to tap into that supernatural power that Christ has waiting for me. All I have to do is ask, right? So why do I feel unchanged every time I try and ask for it.

I beg you, Jesus, please carry me. I can't do this without you. I'm nothing without you.

*picture taken by: nascity*

Under the Lamp Post

2009-09-22T19:05:00.000-04:00

Right here. This is my place. Under the lamp post. My spot. I declared this "my spot" right after I got here more than a year ago. I sat here on multiple occasions and studied, or wrote, or thought, or prayed, or talked. Its a good spot. Things feel good here. I sit here and I feel like I notice things that I don't normally notice. I am more sensitive to sounds and sights and feelings and words. I can hear the birds better in my spot. I can hear the sound of the cars. I can see the beauty in the swaying leaves, or the flickering light. I feel the warmth of a hug or a friendly hello. I just feel like I belong here. I love talking to God here. Its so perfect.

I imagine heaven will have a place like this for me.

*picture taken by: FrAnthony*

Everything Seems Smaller

2009-09-18T17:15:00.000-04:00

Josh Wilson. This man is extremely talented in musicianship, in writing, in voice. He's incredible, and his lyrics are even more amazing.

Savior, Please

Savior, please take my hand .

I work so hard, I live so fast.

This life begins, then it ends.

And then I do the best that I can,

but I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough,

but I'm just not strong enough.

I can't do this alone, God I need you

to hold on to me.

I try to be good enough,

but I'm nothing without your love.

Savior, please keep saving me.

Savior, please help me stand.

I fall so hard, I fade so fast.

Will you begin right where I end?

And be the God of all I am because you're all I have.

Hallelujah!

Everything you are to me

is everything I'll ever need.

and i am learning to believe

cause you're the one who's saving me.

3 Minute Song

I tried to write a song, and keep it 3 minutes long

Get in, get out, nobody gets hurt

And I tried a thousand times to fit God between the lines

But I'm finding out that doesn't really work

I just don't have the words to say, cause words only get in my way

I must apologize, I have the hardest time

Finding something to define a God that I can't define

And even if I could, it would take way too long

If all I've got's a 3 minute song

I've got a hundred metaphors, and if I had a million more

I could never ever seem to sum this up

Besides, how can some melody communicate eternity?

Itýs like trying to fit the ocean in a cup

I'll never find the words to say cause words only get in the way

I would like to dumb this down to 3 chords, or maybe 4

But I've tried and I can't and I won't cause there will always be more

So I apologize, I can't seem to get it right

You probably didn't even read all of those, but if you ever get the chance please read at the chorus of each song. It so incredible the way the Josh Wilson describes the Lord. The way that the words seem to reach right into my heart and touch its deepest wounds. The way that they make it seem as though, whatever valley I'm in isn't that big of a deal because I have the Lord coming to pull me out.

Every obstacle seems smaller when the Lord is on my side.

*picture found at: website*

I miss you, Yesterday

2009-09-18T01:56:00.000-04:00

There were a lot of things I would have enjoyed doing with my night. I could have watched a movie. Had an encouraging conversation with a friend. Told someone I love them. Given someone a hug. Been held by loving arms. Spent time praising the Lord through conversation. Eaten a delicious snack. Caught fireflies. Walked in the moonlight. Cried tears of joy. Called an old friend. Spent time in the word of the Lord. Drank coffee. Played the guitar. Sung a song. Showed someone how much I love them. And although I did do some of these. What is prevalent on my mind tonight is that I hurt someone. I hate hurting people. I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone. Its so much easier. I hate all of it... the look in someone's eyes after I've told them what I needed to say, the way they can't say anything in response because nothing they say will change the circumstances, the way there is nothing to do but sit in silence, the way their day seems ruined because of my news. The way we're both so desperate to go back to the way it was 24 hours ago. There are few times when I've missed yesterday so much. I want you back, yesterday. Help me, Father, to see that through this mess, and my mistakes, and through my hurt that you will heal me and make me stronger. I pray that I will see where you are taking me.

Lead me, Father, and I (sure hope I) will follow.

*picture taken by: Toma01*

Where did that passion go?

2009-09-14T17:23:00.001-04:00

I used to do this all the time. I used to see beauty in everything. I used to be happier. I used to love better. I feel hardened. Like my heart is not as easily penetrated as it used to be. I want to be back at that place where every moment wasn't a moment to dread, it wasn't a moment to try and get through. It was another great opportunity to worship this Father of mine. Another wonderful chance to see Him through his creation. Another blessed time to experience his love in one way or another. I used to see such beauty in everyday things. I loved the sound of the train rushing by. I loved the wind through the trees and the sun on my face. I absolutely adored just sitting here in my spot with my computer and a snack, having just finished my work. Writing was easy. Words flowed. Not from my head. They came from my heart, they came from the Lord. I keep saying that I want to be that way again, and I know I can. I just don't like the path I have to take to get there.

Help me take a leap for you, Father. Who better to put my faith in than you? Help me to see how foolish I am for being scared.

*picture taken by: Nichola80*

I'm Not Doing Anything Wrong

2009-09-14T15:21:00.001-04:00

This is going to sound really stupid, but I figured something out today. I don't know my future. I have no idea what my life will look like in even 3 years. I have no idea where I'll live, if I'll be single, if I'll have a job, where I'll have a job, what I'll be doing, what I'll be aiming for. Its all dark in the future. Some people know where they're going. They know they feel called to be a missionary, or a musician, or an artist, or an actor, or a Young Life Staff member, or an engineer, or a stay-at-home mom, or a business person, or a teacher. Some people can see that clearly and know without a single doubt that God is steering them directly toward one specific thing.

I used to feel like I was doing something wrong because I didn't know. I felt like I was not being faithful enough, or I wasn't praying enough, or I wasn't loving people enough, or I wasn't trusting the Lord enough. How silly is that?! God is simply catering to my personality. Some people can know all that they are going to do and still be able to serve God in the moment, and some people wouldn't be able to focus on the here-and-now if they knew where they were headed (thats me).
I almost feel blessed not knowing where my life is going. I don't have to worry about it. I do what God is telling me to do right now and thats all I need. He'll show me what I need to see in time, but without knowing where I'm headed its so much easier to serve the Lord right now! Its so much fun. Its so rewarding.

I'm not doing anything wrong. God just knows me better than I know myself.

*picture taken by: //bwr*

Stuck Inside

2009-09-14T00:39:00.001-04:00

I am such a human sometimes. Ok. Rephrase that... ALL the time. I want a break from myself. I feel so trapped inside myself. I know what I would say to myself if I were not me. But I can't say that to myself. I'm too scared to admit things like that to myself. Goodness gracious.

Jesus. Help me, please?

I need a lot of help. More than a lot of people. I'm selfish, and stubborn, and stupid so it might take a lot. I'm sick of being stuck inside myself.

*picture taken by: Kristen Lanae*

Don't you get it?

2009-08-31T16:38:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know, I'm involved in a ministry called Young Life. I love it, every moment. And yet, I hate it, every moment. I love my kids, they make me smile, and getting to see them grow in the Lord is the most incredible thing I can think of. I love my kids, they make me angry, and it breaks my heart to see them make stupid mistakes because they are too scared to stand out. I love when one of my kids just understands what this whole "Christian" thing is about, but that seems so rare. I invest in them, and I pour into them, but they still don't get it. They don't understand what is so crazy and awesome and incredible about this story they are hearing. Sometimes I just want to say, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, EVERY BREATH, EVERY MOVE, EVERY ABILITY, EVERY MOMENT, EVERY FRIEND, EVERY FAMILY MEMBER, EVERY HAIR ON YOUR HEAD, EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP AND OPEN YOUR EYES AND TAKE A BREATH IS BECAUSE OF THE INCREDIBLE, INSANE, CRAZY, AND SOOOO UNDESERVED MERCY OF THIS INDESCRIBABLE GOD!! EVERY SUFFERING, EVERY TRIAL, EVERY TEMPTATION, EVERY HEARTACHE, EVERY LOSS, EVERY TEAR, EVERY SICKNESS, EVERY SADNESS, EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY... THAT'S HIS MERCY TOO!! HE LETS US HAVE THIS LIFE. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GREAT, AND NEITHER DO I. HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE JUST DOES. And I love you because He does." It breaks me everytime I think about them and how they just don't get it.

I heard one of my kids say once, "I thought Christians just kind of looked the same as everyone else, we just believed in God." No. You cannot be immersed in the love of an all-powerful God and be covered in His son's glory and perfection and look the same. Does that sound the same to you? I love them. Everyone of them.

I just hope they understand why.

*picture taken by: gordonsl*

Prayer is One of the Most Powerful Instruments in My Life

2009-08-23T00:09:00.000-04:00

Last night at home. I'm not even going to try to express my incredibly confusing feelings right now. But I will say that the Lord has been preparing me for this day the entire summer; my entire life, in fact. I really think that He has huge plans in mind for me in the coming months. I hope that I don't get my own plans and desires in the way. I have a few prayer requests for those of you who are reading this:

1. I need to stay focused. Pray that I won't let my life become so out of control and busy that I can even think to have the excuse "I didn't have enough time" for not spending time in the word and in diligent prayer everyday. Prayer and time with my Father are the only thing that will get me through this year.

2. I need an accountability partner. I have all of my wonderful friends from home, but I need someone who I can go to and talk to and confide in right there at school. I already have plans to do just that with a friend of mine, but I need your prayers to keep me diligent in keeping those times consistent. Pray that I will give myself that refueling time that time with this accountability partner, and studying the word will give me.

3. I need a good church. I am planning on going to a church about 30 or 35 minutes from campus. That is about the distance I'd have to travel to any church, but the thing is I don't know anyone who goes to this particular church and I don't have my own car. Please pray that I can find someone that would like to go to this church with me.

4. I need community. I really missed having a good community of christian friends last year. I really needed that, but I didn't seek it out. There is an obvious difference in spending time with believers and spending time with non-believers. I feel more pressure, and less relaxed when I'm not with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I wanted to make it an even 5, but there was really nothing else that I could think of right now. Not that I don't need prayer, I do... and Lord knows how much I do. But, those are my school related prayers. I know that prayer is one of the most powerful instruments in my life, and the Lord can do great things. Please, please, please pray for me. I love you all so much, you really have no idea how much. Thank you!

*picture taken by: { karen }*

Prepare Me

2009-08-20T00:37:00.000-04:00

Lord, prepare my heart for this journey. Prepare me to show them who you are. So that when they see you they'll recognize you because they've seen you before!!

yeahhh.. its just one of those days.

2009-08-19T01:02:00.001-04:00

I need to read the bible more. It is that simple. God has something to say to me, and I need to go listen to him. So, what am I doing on here trying to think of something poetic to write? I am going to go enjoy my heavenly Father and bask in his presence.

See ya.

Please Me, daughter.

2009-08-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

Father, Why would You give me all of these wonderful blessings here at home, just to take them all away in less than a week? I have been so incredibly blessed here at home with my family, in my church with my fellow believers, in relationships with new friends, in relationships with old friends, in my spiritual life, in my relationship with my parents. Everything is perfect right now. Why would you take that away, Lord?

Because, daughter, you are a work in progress. I'm not finished with you yet. At home you are leading a life of easiness. You have accomplished very much at home. You have pleased me. Now you must go out into the world and accomplish things there, and please me there. I have blessed you in order that you may be fruitful elsewhere. Home is your safe haven, home is your time for refueling. Now it is time for you to make disciples in My name. Let your face shine with the glory of Myself. Let the love that I have shown you and given you to show to others be a beacon of light to the lost. Help them find their way, Katie. Show them this wonderful light, and glory, and love that you have found in Me. I am no secret, my dear. My name should be exclaimed from the mountain tops. I am sending you out to do that. Now, trust Me and My word. Trust that I have My arms firmly wrapped around you. I am holding you close. I am crazy about you. Please Me, daughter. Go.

Lost for Words

2009-08-11T01:50:00.000-04:00

God is gracious. Thats all I can say.

Sometimes the fact that words cannot describe my Lord discourages me from writing. Then I remember that I would rather spend my entire life trying to find the words to express the way I feel about Him than give up. I can't help it. I use words, I'm human. I may never be able to describe Him well enough, but when I am in that situation where I'm lost for words is when I clearly see how absolutely incredible my dear Father is.

He'll Take Me

2009-08-05T00:02:00.001-04:00

So I had two topics on my mind to write about today. I miss writing and today I was thinking of a few things that seemed worth writing about. I went to the mall today. (I went twice actually) I was talking to my lovely friend Laura about life and faith and the future and the past. Just about everything. So while we were talking she said something. She said, "God didn't put me here to live a life of comfort, I have all of eternity for that."

I was also thinking today about how I want so badly to write music and perform music and maybe become somebody, maybe not. I just want to do music. But I don't take that part of my life very seriously. I always assume that I can follow my dream tomorrow. I wait until the next day to find some way to record my songs. I don't take myself seriously because nobody else does. Sometimes people don't encourage me to pursue my dreams. One time someone even laughed when I said something about my music. I know I'm not a horrible musician. It can't be that they think I'm insane for thinking I could do that, I just don't feel encouraged when stuff like that happens.

So I have two topics that I could write about:

1. God didn't put us here to live comfortably.

2. I don't take myself seriously because the people around me don't take me seriously.

I think I'll write about the first. Its much more fun and way more important.

I had heard that before, I knew that God hadn't sent me here to be comfortable. It just hit me harder than EVER. So often lately I've been so obsessed with myself and what I need to do to make myself happy. I've been feeling like maybe I didn't choose the right school for me. But when she said that, I was sure that I had chosen the right place. It also greatly convicted me. I am so selfish for thinking that I should have this easy life where everything works out perfectly. God sent me to do his work. To spread his word. To proclaim his glorious name! Not to sit around on my butt all day trying to find the cutest outfit to wear to my date on saturday night. My job is to make a difference in the world, not for myself, not for the environment, not for the needy children, not for the 3rd world countries, not for the wars, not for my family, not for anyone but for CHRIST alone. Maybe some of those other things are what God is calling me to make a difference for in HIS name, but only in HIS name. I won't do it in the name of myself, or in the name of the things I'm helping, but in HIS name. I've gotten off track. I like getting off track. It means I'm being passionate. I miss being passionate. Ok, off track again. God put me on this earth. He had ideas when He put me here. He is excited about the things He is going to do through me. And I'm excited for Him to do those things. I just don't want to get in the way with my comfort obsession. The phrase "I give my life to God" just gets old for me sometimes. My life was never mine. Its always been His. He has great ideas for what this life that He's given me is going to accomplish with his unending power. He will prevail through this life. He will reign in this life.

He will take me wherever He needs me to go in order to accomplish his great and glorious will.

*picture taken by: Social Geographic*

The Race

2009-07-19T23:27:00.000-04:00

I love racing. Running. Swimming. Anything. I love to race. I love sports. I was coaching at a big swim meet last sunday, and for the first time ever I noticed how loud it gets in the building. It was the first time I'd ever been to that pool for a meet and not been an athlete. I miss it so much. Being an athlete was a big part of my life. I may not have been the best swimmer out there, and I may have struggled in running as well, but I loved every minute of it. I love the practices and the meets, and the team dinners, and the meetings. I love the big meets like regionals and conference. I love being with my team. I love racing. Swimming in a race is probably the most exhilerating feeling I can think of. You become the center of attention as they blow the whistle telling the athletes to mount the blocks. Everything around you disappears. I can't remember ever hearing people cheering before a race, although I KNOW they did. Every sound, every person, everything goes away. All I can hear or pay attention to is the starter. He tells us to take our marks. I take my position ready to explode at the sound of the horn. There is nothing in the world at this point but me and the horn. The horn sounds and I jump as far as I can off of the block; I shape my body into the most hydrodynamic shape that I can possibly assume. My fingers, then my head, then my body, and finally my feet all enter the water. My legs start to kick as hard as they can and I burst out through the top of the water. Everything starts to come back. There are other racers now. I can't hear anyone. All I hear is the sound of my arms and legs splashing the water; pushing it harder and more effectively to get ahead. I don't even think about breathing. I simply go. I shift my eyes slightly to the side to see where my competition is. As I speed up to beat them, I start to feel desperate. The turn comes and my legs tighten. My arms start to move fast into the wall. Finally I reach the wall and do everything in my power to get away from it as fast as I can. My legs start to kick again and my lungs start to scream for air. I have to breathe as little as possible. My arms start to move again and on my second stroke I fill my lungs with air. My opponents are inching ahead. I yell underwater, feeling as though there is nothing else to do that will help me go faster. My arms cannot move any faster, and my legs are burning. I have done all that I can. My only job now is to keep going. Don't slow down. Keep my legs pumping. Keep my arms pushing the water. Finish hard! Come in fast!

There. Thats the end. The race is over. It lasted for 30 seconds. All my effort. All my training. Every day that I spent in the pool working so hard has come down to the last 30 seconds. Now I hear the cheers. The encouragement. The world suddenly hits me. Everything comes back. I get out of the pool, and wait until the next race.

*picture source*

Priorities

2009-07-01T00:11:00.000-04:00

Alright, I get it. My treasures are not in the right place.

I really need to get my priorities straight.

Father show me! I am tired of trying to do this on my own, I keep saying it, but I really can't do it anymore. I can't pretend like I'm fine when I'm not. Help me put my life in order. I need to make a list, but YOU need to dominate it. You shouldn't just be number one, you should overshadow everything else. You are in everything and above everything. Help me to live my life that way.