These walls

I remember when these walls brought tears to my eyes. I remember when all I wanted was to slow time down, to go back, to be as far away from these walls as I could possibly get. These walls meant leaving my family, being seperated from the ones who love me, leaving my home, being on my own, knowing no one. These walls were not a sign of hope, or happiness, or home, or love, or of anything good to me. Everything good to me was back there, in that home, with those people. No one here knew me, or loved me, or cared one bit who I really was.

Now that feeling is gone. These walls mean love, friends, a home away from home, hope, happiness, goodness. These walls are a sign of comfort. These walls are familiar.

These walls are home.

What does it mean?

What does it mean when as soon as I leave their presence I miss them? What does it mean when I want to talk, but I'm too nervous? What does it mean when their arms around me is enough? What does it mean when a good conversation with them means the world to me? What does it mean when I want so bad to be patient, but can't help but be impatient? What does it mean when just their laugh makes my heart smile? What does it mean when a look speaks multitudes? What does it mean when I am unsure or everything? What does it mean when my stomach jumps at the thought? What does it mean when I can't stop replaying everything over and over again? What is wrong with me?

I don't have any answers.

Walk by faith

By faith Abraham...obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

-Hebrews 11:8

Why am I at this school? I have no earthly clue. The Lord put me here. He told me I am meant for ministry, he shows me the way as I go along. I have no idea what sort of ministry I want to do, I don't know how I want to do ministry, I don't know where I want to do ministry. I follow Him, and He shows me as we go. My eyes cannot see this path, but my heart follows my Lord.

They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.

-Hebrews 11:13

I often get discouraged when I do not see people react to the message. I feel as though nothing will ever be reaped, and I'll sow all my life. I'll plant seeds, and tell people about Christ, but I never seem to see the effects of those seeds. It is discouraging, but I must walk by faith.

He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward.

-Hebrwes 11:26

My reputation is shamefully important to me. I get upset when I'm not everyone's favorite person, because I've always thought that the ministry person should be loved by all. The opposite is true; many people despise the minister, or the one who speaks the name of the Lord. I must not linger on silly things such as my reputation. The Lord will shape each part of my life as He pleases.

Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

-Hebrews 12:1

It is so easy to get caught up in the things of this world. It is so simple to be distracted by sin. I must keep looking ahead. I will not finish this race if I am constantly looking to the sides. The Lord is in front of me, showing me where to go each step of the way. If I look away I am looking away from my Father God.

Let me live by faith.

Blessed Beyond Description

I'll say a dozen prayers, but none of them feel answered. I'll say a million words, but none of them feel heard. I'll sing a thousand songs, but none of them feel listened. I'll write a hundred letters, but none of them feel read. There are numerous people who hear me, few who listen; few who understand; few who comprehend the meaning of my words. Father, thank you for those who do listen. Thank you for the ones who care. Thank you that You always listen. There is never a split second where You are not ready to hear my prayers. You, Father, the Lord of the Universe, Creator of all things, famous, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, loving, merciful Lord. I'm blessed beyond description, and joyful beyond reason for the great gift you've bestowed upon me.

.

Praise the Lord for His undeserved blessings.

I don't know how to make the feelings stop

I shouldn't love you, but I want to

I just can't turn away

I shouldn't see you, but I can't move

I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not

'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop

Just so you know

This feeling's takin' control

Of me and I can't help it

I won't sit around

I can't let him win now

Thought you should know

I've tried my best to let go

Of you but I don't want to

I just gotta say it all before I go

Just so you know

-Jesse McCartney-

This basically describes my life right now.

(Brooke, you got me into posting lyrics)

Obsession

Everyone has their obsession.

Consuming thoughts; consuming time.

They hold high their prized posession

That defines the meaning of their lives.

YOU ARE MINE!

-Mute Math-

Father God Almighty is my obsession. He controls my thoughts; he fills my thoughts; he has overtaken my thoughts. He has posession of my time. He is the master of my days, the manager of my time. He does with the hours in my life as he pleases. He is my prized posession. He is not a trophy; trophies sit on shelves, collecting dust and being ignored for the majority of the time. He is not what some would call a "posession" because He is not mine, I am His! He is not simply number one on my list, He IS my list. He defines my life. He is my life, not only in the sense that He is important to me, but He IS the only thing in me that keeps me alive. He literally keeps me breathing, my heart beating, my muscles strong. My life not only belongs to Him, but my life is Him! He is perfectly faithful to remain all of this in me. He remains the Lord of everything, forever. I enjoy this life, I live for the Lord and I would not have it any other way. He is the only thing that could ever be Lord of my life.

Anything else on earth would fail.

Hear them say..

Missing people is different than having them miss me too. I can say I miss someone, and it will make me sad. To hear them say it back, puts me in tears. The second I hear their voice, see their face, feel their hugs, I cannot hold myself together. I say I miss people all the time, and I have a smile on my face. I cannot ever hear someone say that to me without having tears in my eyes.

.

I miss you.