Awkward.

I am so awkward.  Its true.  Three times today someone said something like, "What's up?" instead of "How are you?" and I could not think of how to respond.  In one instance I just kind of stammered and mumbled finally spitting out, "How are you?" hoping he hadn't noticed that I had no idea what I was saying.  The second and third time I decided to give a disclaimer after responding to the question with a well thought out, "Not much." It took me a while to get the words out though.  

I'm also awkward because if I want to say hello to someone who is not looking at me, either I will awkwardly look at them for a while until they look at me, or I will make some sort of movement that will ensure their noticing me, then I'll say some kind of awkward hello.  

I also don't like the sound of my voice a lot of the time.  It just sounds so different.  Of course, if I am in a place where I am comfortable like my home or with good friends, then it isn't as weird.  But if I'm in a place where I don't know many people, my voice just sounds so weird compared to everyone else's.  

Around certain people I'm very aware of what kind of facial expressions I'm making.  Around other people I'm very UNaware of the kind of facial expressions I'm making.  In both cases things can get awkward.

All in all, I'm simply an awkward person. [This post is in tribute to Mary Katherine -- "awkward":) ] picture taken by rh89

Is This Right?

Am I really where I am supposed to be?  Should I be here, at this school, with this major?  I am scared that I've strayed from God's plan for me.  But I'm too scared to change the plan.  I thought this school was the hard choice, the difficult path.  If I had chosen ECU then I would have been too comfortable.  I thought this was right.  I was getting out of my comfort zone.  I never thought I'd regret this.  I was drawn here from the start.  Everyone else thought I was supposed to be here.  

I want SO badly to be where God wants me.  Thats all I want.  I can't BE without being where he wants me.  I physically ache thinking that I might not be in the right place.  

I need prayer.  If anyone reads this, even if you don't know me, please pray for me.  Thats all I need.  He is my everything.  I cannot be here if He is not with me.

Please. picture taken by Doc Tony Photography

Nothing Here

I finding every reason to be gone

There's nothing here to hold on to.

Could I hold you?

--Sara Bareilles

This is how I feel.  Sometimes I will sit and think, and I'll try to find a reason for what I'm doing.  I'll try to find something that attracts me, something that I can't do without, something that I look forward to.  I like a lot of things.  I like my friends, my schooling, my position in Young Life, but I can't find anything that makes me want to stay here, on earth.  I want to be with my Father.  That is what I'm attracted to, that is what I cannot do without, and that is what I'm looking forward to.  Then I start to understand that my life here does count, and I need to live it for the glory of my Father.  If I really am looking forward to the time when I can be with him forever, then I'll live this life until He takes me as He wills, and I will live every moment for his glory.  

So, I am finding every reason to be gone.  I want to be with Him.  There doesn't really seem to be much here to hold on to, but I can hold onto Christ.  I can hold onto my Savior.  And one day he'll take me.

One day everything I'm looking forward to will be right in front of me. picture taken by Aster-oid

Silver Linings

Father, 

You are the only one that keeps me sane in this insane world.

Thank You.

Please don't disregard this statement.  The Lord is a smart guy, and He's been teaching this to me for the past two weeks.  I cannot live or function or be joyful without Him.  It is actually reassuring, although I had to go through such a hard two weeks, to know that He is just about EVERYTHING to me.  If He wasn't everything to me then I would not have been in such a slump.

Thank You my dearest Father!

You are a God of silver linings. picture taken by Jam343

True

My everything was falling apart. I was getting ready to leave for school, and that killed me. I couldn't imagine having to start over. I had done that before, and I hated every moment. Thinking about losing everything familiar to me made me want to crawl under my covers and hide from the world. It was a scary place and I wasn't ready for it. I wrote this in my journal on April 15, 2008:

What do you do when all that you thought was true starts to fall apart?

What do you do when all that used to seem permanent is fading away?

What do you do when you cannot rely on earthly things to remain unchanged?

You turn to the one who is true.

You turn to the one who is forever and never fading.

You turn to the one who does not change.

There is only one thing that will never leave you, never forsake you, never drop you, never let you down, never fail you, never lie to you, never hurt you, never turn away from you, and that is the Lord God Almighty. He is constant, powerful, omniscient, amazing, beautiful, and mighty. He can be relied on.

Turn me around, pick me up,

Undo what I've become.

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace.

And he didn't fail me. It still holds true.

*picture taken by: Pink Angel*

O Church Arise

O church, arise and put your armor on;

Hear the call of Christ our captain;

For now the weak can say that they are strong

In the strength that God has given.

With shield of faith and belt of truth

We'll stand against the devil's lies;

An army bold whose battle cry is "Love!"

Reaching out to those in darkness.

Our call to war, to love the captive soul,

But to rage against the captor;

And with the sword that makes the wounded whole

We will fight with faith and valor.

When faced with trials on ev'ry side,

We know the outcome is secure,

And Christ will have the prize for which He died—

An inheritance of nations.

Come, see the cross where love and mercy meet,

As the Son of God is stricken;

Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet,

For the Conqueror has risen!

And as the stone is rolled away,

And Christ emerges from the grave,

This vict'ry march continues till the day

Ev'ry eye and heart shall see Him.

So Spirit, come, put strength in ev'ry stride,

Give grace for ev'ry hurdle,

That we may run with faith to win the prize

Of a servant good and faithful.

As saints of old still line the way,

Retelling triumphs of His grace,

We hear their calls and hunger for the day

When, with Christ, we stand in glory.

--Getty

What To Say?

Frosted windows
Raindrops falling
Down
Teardrops streaming
Romance thoughts
What to say?

Where did this come from?
How can such a simple scene be so wonderful?

Blue chair
Friends talking
Loud
Loved ones laughing
Quiet talks
What to say?

Who gave this to me?
How does a person like me have such amazing friends?

Single light
Music playing
Beautiful
Wonderful singing
Inspiring words
What to say?

Can I praise Him better?
How do I express passion that I do not understand?