Seeking the Approval of Others

I tend to seek the approval of others.  I want to make people proud and I don't want to disappoint anyone.  The opinions of certain people matter to me.

Today I was talking to an important friend.  I told my friend that I wanted this certain person to be proud of me.  I wanted this person to be proud of my accomplishments and potential.  My friend told me this: "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. God is proud of you because you want what He wants.  God smiles at you because your life is following His Son's life."

Thank you, friend.
Thank you, Father for smiling on me.

Don't Miss Out

This weekend my family and I watched "Ben-Hur" together.  We also watched that History Channel mini-series, "The Bible."  I realized that there was more going on during the time of Jesus than just what Jesus was doing.  Some people weren't paying attention to him, or just considered him to be some ultimately unimportant guy.  They went along with their lives as usual.  Those people missed out.  They didn't get to be a part of this insane revolution that changed the world, and is still changing the world 2000 years later.  Judah Ben-Hur chose to pay no attention to Jesus, and he missed out.  It made me realize that I don't want to be a main character in "Ben-Hur." I want to be like the main characters in "The Bible."

I don't want to miss out because I'm occupied with my own life and can't be bother with this Jesus. I want to be around him and learning and soaking it all up.  I don't want to miss my chance to be the best friend of the maker of the universe.

Teaching is hard. Teaching is difficult.

I am a music education major.  When I was in my Middle School Music Methods class, our professor opened the class very simply.  He told us to pull out a pencil and a piece of paper.  He said, "At the top in large print write, 'Teaching is hard.'" Then he said, "There is one more thing you need to write.  Below that first statement write, 'Teaching is difficult.'"  Teaching is hard. Teaching is difficult. I believed him, but I didn't understand.  I remembered those two sentences, and tried to grasp them.  I taught a few lessons here and there during that semester and the next, but I never felt like it was very hard.  I loved it. It came naturally to me to get up in front of a group and talk to them about music. Lessons were easy to write and administer, and I enjoyed the time I spent teaching.
Fast forward to today.
I am student teaching now.  I spent some time teaching elementary school and loved it.  But then I moved to middle school... bum  bum buuuuum. Don't get me wrong, the kids can be great.  But don't get me wrong on this either, the kids can be very difficult to manage. They're middle schoolers.  They're swimming in a pool of awkwardness mixed with hormones (most of the awkwardness being due to the hormones).  They start liking each other, but they aren't mature enough to have a real relationship.  They want to hang out with their friends, but they can't drive, and they aren't very independent.  They are growing up to be young men and women, but they're not quite there yet.  Everything is awkward.  I remember middle school.  It was terrible.  I was not a fan.  I remember taking my eighth grade school picture and dressing up and thinking I looked so cute that day.  Now I look at my picture and I looked terrible!  Messy hair, a blue shirt with a blue jacket of a different shade over it, and buck teeth.  It's no wonder most middle schoolers don't know how to act respectful.  They're occupied enough with trying to figure themselves out.

But all of this insanity it teaching me a lot.  It is surprisingly hard to remember that I'm not in the classroom just to be a teacher.  I'm there to be a light for Jesus to these kids' dark hearts.  I'm here to make an eternal difference.  I can't preach to them with words, but I can preach with my actions, and the way I relate to them.  When I'm in front of the class I have a thousand other things to think about, and sometimes it slips my mind that Jesus is my reason for being there.  If anyone reads this, I would ask you to pray for me.  Pray that I would stop putting all of my hope in my own abilities and training, and start relying completely on Jesus.  Let him run the show in the classroom.  I may only be in this class for 10 weeks, but Jesus can make an impact in a much shorter time than that.

Living Right Now

Everything moves by much too quickly.  Nothing can be pinned down.  No moment will remain.  No memory will remain as vivid as the reality from which it grew.

Everyone realizes this truth and longs for the past, and yet, as we have the opportunity to grasp and appreciate moments as they come, we do not see the same value in those moments as they are present as when they are past.  We always look forward, always long for something new.  Yet when that new moment comes and we have the opportunity to make a beautiful memory, we have already forgotten it, and are looking forward to the next new moment.  A vicious circle. A downward spiral.  Leading toward empty longing and, therefore, empty hearts.

I find myself trapped in this human tendency.  I desire new, and yet long for old, but never treasure the moment in which I'm living.  The final year of college is a year of lasts.  I find myself wishing I had realized how I would long for the simple pleasures.  I wish I had not taken everything for granted.  I wish I had known then what I know now.  I wish I could start over, but have all my lessons learned.
When I was young, we moved far away from home, and I would pray that it was all a bad dream.  I would imagine myself waking up and being at home where I had friends and familiarity.  I have those same wishes now, but not because I am afraid, I just want it all to be better.  Everyone says, "don't regret any moment in your life because everything in your life made you who you are today," but that is a hard pill to swallow.  If I had done some things differently, wouldn't I be better?  Wouldn't I have better relationships?  Wouldn't I have kept myself from doing certain things and exposing myself to certain things? If I had known then what I know now, I would have done a much better job.  Not only that, but I would treasure the moments that I now wish I could have again.  I would make more memories.  I wouldn't take things for granted.  I would take life a lot slower.

I know I can't go back, but I can move forward.  Only, I don't want to think about the "forward" part too much.  I want to think about the "now" part.  The part in which I can make memories.  The part that I can treasure.  The part for which I can thank the Lord as it happens.  Looking ahead isn't bad, but I want there to be more to life than what's to come.  I want it to be about the moment.  I want to be where I am. The present.

Learning Love

Tomorrow is the day.  Move-in day.  This always seems to be the day when I write something to commemorate the event.  It is a memorable day.  A lot of things change on this day.  Today the most important thing I have to say is that the summer was easily one of the best. Ever.  God moved in ways I've never experienced.  There were hard times.  It definitely wasn't rainbows and butterflies all summer.  But beyond all of that stuff that was a little bit more difficult, I learned all about love.  Loving people.  Loving God.  Loving the moment.  I learned how to love without feeling like it.  I learned how to love people who are hard to love.  I learned that love is sometimes holding my tongue.  Love is sometimes not what I expect.

Praise the Lord that He teaches me.  Praise Him that He's growing me everyday.  I am who He's made me to be everyday because He's made me to be exactly who I am in each moment.  He is so good.

I'm a little bit weary of a few things in my life.  All the things that are hard are only present because of my sinful nature coming out.  I'm allowing it to show itself.

Father,
Help me to find joy in You alone.  When I feel frustrated or rejected help me to hear the devil's voice in those words.  I am loved by the only one that matters, and that is You, Father.
Amen.

Sunlight. Lots of Sunlight.

I may end up being of rather humble means in my future.  I may also end up being quite secure in the area of my bank account.  Either way, my home will have sunlight.  Lots of sunlight.