Walking Arm in Arm

I am contradicting myself. Yesterday started out horribly; I was in a bad mood, I slept through classes, and I was frustrated. It ended wonderfully; I spent a presumably boring night just walking around with a friend (it actually ended up being wonderful), I spent some time with some amazing people, I straightened out frustrating situations, I joked around, I winked at someone, I was cared for. I love days like that when all you need is someone to make you smile, and that one smile changes your whole outlook on the day. But then today started out incredibly; I woke up on time, I was able to actually get ready, I was able to stay awake in class, I took great notes, I learned about possible majors, I walked arm in arm with a friend, I had a wonderful unexpected breakfast with three awesome people, I had a casual conversation. Now I am sitting in my bed, with my laptop on my lap, feeling the best I've felt this week. Days like this can only get better.

I must be a moody person, having had a horrible day yesterday and being sad, but then having an incredible day today and being giddy.

I'm ok with that.

Another smile...

Another day, another disappointment. But that's not all.

Another day, another smile, another laugh, another friend, another story, another joke, another time, another talk, another call, another game, another movie, another text, another dinner, another great evening.

How could a day that starts out sleeping through two classes, being mad about previous situations, having a bad lunch, and not being able to face my problems end up with laughs, friends, conversations, random visits, heart-to-hearts, good hugs, and great times?

God blessed me, thats how.

Train thinking...

So today I took a train trip from Raleigh to Charlotte, and you would not believe the thinking that a train ride can provoke. This is all that I wrote on my trip:

BLOG ONE!
Call me a romantic, but I think this is pretty cool. Taking the train back to school, and writing a blog at the same time… what could be more romantic?
The sun is shining through the window, every once and a while the trees hold back the light. I should be doing my homework, but who needs that? I like this. Sitting, thinking, admiring.
We pass by a cemetery. I wonder who is there. I wonder what kind of grief was left on that ground. I can see the funerals going on, I can imagine the people lamenting, the children not understanding, the ladies crying, the men sobbing. The people who are now resting under the earth were loved in their life, I’m sure. They must have been wonderful people. Grandmothers, grandfathers, moms, dads, wives, husbands, daughters, sons, community members, church goers, talented athletes, gifted in music, valedictorian of their high school class. It is odd to think that every person who is buried in that cemetery at one time had a life, a family, a place to belong. But now they are not there, their place is empty. At once they had to try and make a place, and now that place is so set in stone that it cannot be filled. Some may think it would have been easier for them to have never been known, at least then no one would have to grieve, no one would have to miss, no one would cry. But those same people would never have been blessed by the beautiful life of that lost loved one.

BLOG TWO!
I’ve been thinking a lot about my husband lately. It is like I already know him, and I already miss him. I can imagine he and I having children and caring for them, having dinners with our parents and time alone. I can imagine our conversations, and the affection that we will share. I miss him. I don’t even know him but I miss him. He is out there somewhere, maybe I’ve seen him, maybe I know him. Someday our lives will come together. He is out there, living his own life, thinking of me too. I long for his arms to be around me, and for his love to consume me. I long for the intimacy of marriage that we will share, for the love and affection, the way we will know each other and admire each other, the way we will argue and disagree, but still love each other, the way we will both love the Lord with all of our heart, the way He will be the center of our lives. I miss him.

BLOG THREE!
It’s pretty easy to make me smile. Give me a good book, a cup of coffee, a comfy chair, and some solitude and I’ll be happy for the rest of the day. Give me a crowd of people, good music, and wonderful friends and I’ll be happy. Give me one good friend, one long conversation, and lots of laughs and I’ll have the best time. Give me one new friend who makes me laugh and I’ll smile. Give me a train, a computer without internet, and a rainy night and I’ll write three blogs which makes me happy. Give me one heartfelt and happy text message and I’ll give you a smile. Give me lunch with friends who I haven’t seen in a month and I will think about it for days. Give me a train ride home, and some time to think and I’ll get every single thought in my head down on paper. This makes me happy.

Kill your son, adopt the murderer

Tonight I heard one of the most glorious descriptions of God's love for us that I've ever heard. Usually when people hear that Christ died on the cross for us they don't think much of it, they hear it all the time so after it has been said enough, the reality of this deed starts to become less intense and glorious.

In the words of one of our campus ministry leaders here on campus:

Imagine a man, Richard, and his wife, Rachel. They are expecting a baby boy, David. When David comes into the world, Richard and Rachel love the boy like they've never loved another in their life. He is absolutely gorgeous, and their home feels complete with him in their life. He is everything they could have hoped for in a child. One terrible day someone comes along and murders Rachel. This mother, this wife, the keeper of this wonderful home. Richard is a judge and judges the murderer's trial. At the trial Richard knows that this is the person murdered Rachel, but when the time comes to sentence this person Richard tells someone to bring David to the front. Richard says, "Give David the death penalty in place of this person, kill my son." He then Richard says, "And to you sir, I would like to adopt you, and bring you into my home and call you my son."

To imagine that after you murder a man's wife that he would kill his own baby boy in your place and then ADOPT you. And LOVE you!

Inconcievable.

Oddly typical yet incredibly beautiful

To describe this setting is utterly impossible. My words are not sufficient. I sit here, in a chair outside the library. Having finished some much needed work, my head is cleared. As I look around I see friends talking and having fun together, people studying and spending time alone, kids running through the streets, cars parked outside the church. The feeling of the wind has mesmorized me all day. It is the most wonderful feeling that I can think of. It is a reassurance that something is here, that there is something above us all. It is the wonderful breath of God through my hair, upon my face. It kisses the leaves of the trees creating a sound unlike any other, and yet so familiar and comforting. The sun shines down, peeking through the branches, warming my skin and creating for me a blanket. It reflects off of cars, and tables, creating an image that, although looked over quite often, is incredibly beautiful. The colors, the sounds, the warmth, the famliarity of everything puts me at a loss for words. I am beside myself in wonder at this, it is so oddly typical yet incredibly beautiful. I needed a few days like this. Father, you knew my heart, and when I didn't know what I longed for, you knew exactly what that was. I needed to simply recognize that you are here. You are present in my life just as much as you were before I came here. You never change, you never leave, you never turn away from me.

11:30-2am

New friends make my life.

"Friendship, that's something you have to work on." --Lane Calaway--

He is so wise ;)

I love talking from 11:30 to 2 am by the pond. I love laughing uncontrollably. I love finding common ground. I love being so unable to contain happiness that it flows insatiably out of me into laughter.

A whisper in a screaming crowd

I'm pretty sure that I have the most outrageous fear. Who in the world is scared of Heaven? It is more incredible than I can imagine, I get to be in the constant presence of God, I get to worship Him always, I get to spend forever with the God I love and the people I love. So, why am I scared?

Forever. Eternity. Inifinity. Timelessness. Endlessness. Perpetuity. Ceaselessness. Everlastingness. The totality of time without beginning or end.

Does this not scare the living daylights out of anyone else?

My life is but a whisper in a screaming crowd, a wave upon the shore, a drop in the ocean, a grain of sand in the Sahara, a 'blip' on the radar, a page in an endless book. I am nothing. Time has existed since Adam and Eve. In all that has happened since then there have been only a few persons remembered. Trillions have lived. My life means nothing to others. Then I will die, and my soul will go to be with my creator for all eternity.

Eternity scares me. Can I please just block it out?