Goodnight Kisses

Tonight was one of those nights when all I really wanted was my mom to come up behind me and rub my back. My sister to be there to talk to, and my Dad to kiss goodnight. I miss them so badly and thinking about it now makes me want to cry. I can't wait to see you guys! The most likely reason I was so eager to have all this was probably because there were some very low points to my day and I was sooooo busy I couldn't breathe and I feel like I'm about to get sick. I just want someone to scratch my back and kiss me goodnight. You know I haven't had a goodnight kiss since I've been home. Little things start to pile up on you when you're away from home. I never thought I would miss something like that, but I do.

I just want them here.

The Little Things

It really is the little things that make my heart jump. The gentle hello, the playfulness communicated by playing with my hair, talking to me across the room with your eyes, wanting to be the last one I say goodbye to, or the way you can tell me so much by the way you hug me. It amazes me all the little things you can do to make my stomach turn over. This all sounds so stupid, but maybe I am stupid. I don't really care.

I like it.

Good Old Days

So I was reading my old xanga site. Which was quite interesting I must say. I kind of miss those days. It was just me letting people know my heart. How I felt that day, what I did, where I was emotionally. I was crazy about my faith and I didn't have to be so formal about it as I feel like I have to do now. Let's stop that. God freaking rocks! His love for me is more concrete than this computer I'm typing on right now.

Anyway, I was reading those posts, and I realized that each post had something to do with prayer, or how God did something in my life that day. Not necessarily that I have this great philosophical idea or this amazing thought, but just that God was present in my life that day. I miss feeling like that. Can I have it back, please?

:)

(Oh, and if you want to see my old xanga site, ask me because its pretty funny)

All Hell Quakes

All hell doth at his presence quake,

Though he himself for cold do shake.

Sometimes when things are written in an odd language it takes a while for me to absord them fully. That definitely applies here.

Baby Jesus. Lying helplessly in the straw. Shivering and sneezing from the cold. He is naked save a small blanket wrapped around his tiny body. He looks like any other baby. There is no shining light coming from him, no magic look about him, nothing spectacularly obvious. His face is scrunched up, he cries for his mother, he gets hungry. As a human he just as helpless as any other infant. How silly it would be for me to go up to a newborn baby, announce that he is King of kings, and then bow down before him. It seems a silly picture in my mind, yet this is exactly what the people around him realize. This is God in human form. This is no ordinary child, this is our Lord. The spirit inside of this child created the universe. The devil and his demons fear this child, they know of his power. They understand that this is God, and they tremble at the thought of it. Hell quakes at his presence. Yet, he shivers because the night is cold. He cries because he is tired and hungry. He is both helpless and almighty at once.

Humans must be pretty dense to miss that.

Selfless...

I this I that I...I...I

I am so obsessed with MYself. What is going on with ME. What I am worried about. What is wrong with MY life.

I was frustrated because I never felt anything during worship. I felt like I wasn't being genuine because I wasn't broken and touched by worship lately. I have been distant, but this isn't about me! It's about God! I need to stop worrying about myself and make worship selfless.

ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness. - 1 Chronicles 16:29

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker - Psalm 95:6

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. - John 4:24

Not once do these passages talk about what I can gain from worship.

Webster defines worship as:

reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage

We pay this to God, it is not about what God can do for us during worship or how he can make us feel.

On urbandictionary.com I found an entry about worship. Someone so wisely said that:

In the case of people who choose a religion because it makes them feel good about themselves, they themselves are the object of their worship, no matter how ecstatically they utter the name of their deity.

We can sound as excited as anyone, and yet we will still be doing all of this for ourselves. We want to make ourselves look good, and make ourselves feel free from blame, so we worship a god. That is so selfish of us.

Father, I want this to be about you. I want my life to reflect a selfless form of worship. I want to become less while you become more. I am nothing, my life means nothing, my deeds are nothing, my kindness means nothing without you, Father! Let me worship you without the outside distractions of who is watching, how I look, and how it makes me feel. Father, you are the center of worship, who am I to dare think that I am supposed to get something out of worship.

I want to be selfless, for you my dear Father!

(I don't want anyone to think that worship shouldn't make one feel good or happy. It should. But we must understand that worship is about Christ, it has nothing to do with us.)

What Am I Doing?

Break my heart

So I can be like Jesus.

Break every part

So I can be like him.

Oh how I need to be holy.

Oh how I need to be still.

Oh how I need your spirit

To lead me.

I am so unsure. I want to sound encouraging. I want to sound lighthearted and happy. I want to be free from this angst that keeps a burden on my heart. I can't let it go, though. I can't seem to let go and let things happen as they will. Just sitting here, after a wonderful night with a wonderful friend I still feel heavy. I feel like there's something hovering over me, or sitting on my shoulders, or pressing my heart deep into my stomach. I feel like I have something to worry about all the time. I shouldn't though. I know that the only reason I feel this way is because my heart is set on things other than Christ. My heart is set on being satisfied by stupid things.

I will only feel free when I find my satisfaction in Him. He is the only thing that can make my heart feel light again. The only thing that can take the burden away. He is the only true encourager, the only true lover, the only true father, the only true friend. He is the only one that can make me feel the way I used to. When I first started writing I was carefree. I saw beauty in so many things. I thought deeply about the things I saw everyday. I saw Christ in every aspect of my life. I experienced happiness through simple things such as a warm day, a good hug, some time alone, a beautiful verse, a loving conversation. I still find happiness in these things, but not because I see Christ in them. I find happiness in these things because they feel good. I miss seeing Christ in my life. I miss feeling him present everyday. He's so far away. My heart hasn't broken for Christ in far too long. I need my heart to break, if it doesn't then I'll keep feeling burdened. I won't let go of this crap that I've surrounded myself with.

Break my heart!

Calling for Attention

All these distractions are calling for my attention. They scream for my attention and beg me to look their way. My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus. Christ won't scream above the noise. He will be the still small voice that I must listen for. I want to say my world revolves around something, but what is that? Is it really Christ around whom my life is centered? Does he really consume me? I want him to. I need him to. I want to say that he holds me together. I want to believe that his love and care envelopes me. I want to be sure that everything in my life comes back to Christ, that nothing is seperate from him. I long to surrender everything. He should own my life, my thoughts, my friends, my schoolwork, my time, my senses, my feelings, my everything. I need to let him be Lord of everything, I can't let myself keep parts of my life. Once I give him everything, my life will change drastically for the better. Nothing is better than having Christ rule my life. So, I must let go of these other things demanding my time and thoughts and energy. I have to let Christ hold my thoughts. I have to let him be Lord of absolutely EVERYTHING!

I have to. He must be my world.