What Am I Doing?

Break my heart

So I can be like Jesus.

Break every part

So I can be like him.

Oh how I need to be holy.

Oh how I need to be still.

Oh how I need your spirit

To lead me.

I am so unsure. I want to sound encouraging. I want to sound lighthearted and happy. I want to be free from this angst that keeps a burden on my heart. I can't let it go, though. I can't seem to let go and let things happen as they will. Just sitting here, after a wonderful night with a wonderful friend I still feel heavy. I feel like there's something hovering over me, or sitting on my shoulders, or pressing my heart deep into my stomach. I feel like I have something to worry about all the time. I shouldn't though. I know that the only reason I feel this way is because my heart is set on things other than Christ. My heart is set on being satisfied by stupid things.

I will only feel free when I find my satisfaction in Him. He is the only thing that can make my heart feel light again. The only thing that can take the burden away. He is the only true encourager, the only true lover, the only true father, the only true friend. He is the only one that can make me feel the way I used to. When I first started writing I was carefree. I saw beauty in so many things. I thought deeply about the things I saw everyday. I saw Christ in every aspect of my life. I experienced happiness through simple things such as a warm day, a good hug, some time alone, a beautiful verse, a loving conversation. I still find happiness in these things, but not because I see Christ in them. I find happiness in these things because they feel good. I miss seeing Christ in my life. I miss feeling him present everyday. He's so far away. My heart hasn't broken for Christ in far too long. I need my heart to break, if it doesn't then I'll keep feeling burdened. I won't let go of this crap that I've surrounded myself with.

Break my heart!