Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes...
When it started we were alright,
but night makes a fool of us in daylight.
There we were dying of frustration,
saying, "Lord lead me not into temptation."
But it's not easy when she turns you on...
since they've gone.
If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows I'm trying my best,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.
So up they picked me by the big toe;
I was held from the rooftop, then they let it go.
If there's any screaming let the windows down,
as I crawl to the ground.
If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows she won't let me rest,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.
I've become so tired of this loneliness
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Yesterday I was writing a letter to someone and before I wrote it I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew what feeling I wanted to portray in the letter, and although I hadn't thought it out word for word I knew what it was that I wanted to end up being written on my paper. At the end I read it again thinking that I would be completely satisfied with what I'd said. After I'd gone over the letter again I couldn't help but think that it wasn't right. Like there was something that I needed to say that I didn't have words for. I let it go, deciding to rewrite the letter later. I went to do my devotions and one of the passages I was reading that night was Romans 8:18-27 and verse 26 seemed to perfectly describe my feelings about the letter. It says:
Friday, November 27, 2009
Yesterday was just about perfect. I woke up to the sounds of my family laughing and talking in the living room and making waffles with strawberries and whip cream (which is probably one of the best breakfasts ever). Afterwards we sat down to just watch TV together. This might seem like the simplest, most monotonous activity to some, but to me its a treat. I can't remember the last time I'd just sat down to spend time with my family like that. Especially with these cousins and grandparents. Its a rare indulgence that all of us are in the same place at the same time. We watched "Curious George" (which is not a Thanksgiving movie of any sorts) but is one of the most adorable movies I can think of, maybe its just the monkey thats adorable. We ate lunch together and had a big family dinner too. We even went bowling later. I love being here.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I can't do anymore. I'm out of ideas. Nothing I say helps, and everything I do doesn't seem to make a difference.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Remember Pokemon cards? I don't know about you, but they were so important to me. I thought that the only way for me to be cool was to have Pokemon cards. I didn't have very many, but I wanted them so badly. They were the coolest things in the world, and they were a measure of my popularity.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Does anyone else find it interesting that each moment for all of eternity has a different name? Right now its October 3, 2009 at 4:15 and some odd seconds and some odd milliseconds and so on and so forth. It will never be October 3, 2009 at 4:15 and some odd seconds and some odd milliseconds again. There is no rewind, no redo, not even a replay. When it passes it passes. I find that almost scary. No matter what I do, I'll never be able to change what I did in the past, only maybe make up for it in the future.
This is not something I can handle on my own. I need to tap into that supernatural power that Christ has waiting for me. All I have to do is ask, right? So why do I feel unchanged every time I try and ask for it.
I beg you, Jesus, please carry me. I can't do this without you. I'm nothing without you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Right here. This is my place. Under the lamp post. My spot. I declared this "my spot" right after I got here more than a year ago. I sat here on multiple occasions and studied, or wrote, or thought, or prayed, or talked. Its a good spot. Things feel good here. I sit here and I feel like I notice things that I don't normally notice. I am more sensitive to sounds and sights and feelings and words. I can hear the birds better in my spot. I can hear the sound of the cars. I can see the beauty in the swaying leaves, or the flickering light. I feel the warmth of a hug or a friendly hello. I just feel like I belong here. I love talking to God here. Its so perfect.
Friday, September 18, 2009
There were a lot of things I would have enjoyed doing with my night. I could have watched a movie. Had an encouraging conversation with a friend. Told someone I love them. Given someone a hug. Been held by loving arms. Spent time praising the Lord through conversation. Eaten a delicious snack. Caught fireflies. Walked in the moonlight. Cried tears of joy. Called an old friend. Spent time in the word of the Lord. Drank coffee. Played the guitar. Sung a song. Showed someone how much I love them. And although I did do some of these. What is prevalent on my mind tonight is that I hurt someone. I hate hurting people. I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone. Its so much easier. I hate all of it... the look in someone's eyes after I've told them what I needed to say, the way they can't say anything in response because nothing they say will change the circumstances, the way there is nothing to do but sit in silence, the way their day seems ruined because of my news. The way we're both so desperate to go back to the way it was 24 hours ago. There are few times when I've missed yesterday so much. I want you back, yesterday. Help me, Father, to see that through this mess, and my mistakes, and through my hurt that you will heal me and make me stronger. I pray that I will see where you are taking me.
Monday, September 14, 2009
I used to do this all the time. I used to see beauty in everything. I used to be happier. I used to love better. I feel hardened. Like my heart is not as easily penetrated as it used to be. I want to be back at that place where every moment wasn't a moment to dread, it wasn't a moment to try and get through. It was another great opportunity to worship this Father of mine. Another wonderful chance to see Him through his creation. Another blessed time to experience his love in one way or another. I used to see such beauty in everyday things. I loved the sound of the train rushing by. I loved the wind through the trees and the sun on my face. I absolutely adored just sitting here in my spot with my computer and a snack, having just finished my work. Writing was easy. Words flowed. Not from my head. They came from my heart, they came from the Lord. I keep saying that I want to be that way again, and I know I can. I just don't like the path I have to take to get there.
This is going to sound really stupid, but I figured something out today. I don't know my future. I have no idea what my life will look like in even 3 years. I have no idea where I'll live, if I'll be single, if I'll have a job, where I'll have a job, what I'll be doing, what I'll be aiming for. Its all dark in the future. Some people know where they're going. They know they feel called to be a missionary, or a musician, or an artist, or an actor, or a Young Life Staff member, or an engineer, or a stay-at-home mom, or a business person, or a teacher. Some people can see that clearly and know without a single doubt that God is steering them directly toward one specific thing.
I almost feel blessed not knowing where my life is going. I don't have to worry about it. I do what God is telling me to do right now and thats all I need. He'll show me what I need to see in time, but without knowing where I'm headed its so much easier to serve the Lord right now! Its so much fun. Its so rewarding.
I am such a human sometimes. Ok. Rephrase that... ALL the time. I want a break from myself. I feel so trapped inside myself. I know what I would say to myself if I were not me. But I can't say that to myself. I'm too scared to admit things like that to myself. Goodness gracious.
Monday, August 31, 2009
For those of you who don't know, I'm involved in a ministry called Young Life. I love it, every moment. And yet, I hate it, every moment. I love my kids, they make me smile, and getting to see them grow in the Lord is the most incredible thing I can think of. I love my kids, they make me angry, and it breaks my heart to see them make stupid mistakes because they are too scared to stand out. I love when one of my kids just understands what this whole "Christian" thing is about, but that seems so rare. I invest in them, and I pour into them, but they still don't get it. They don't understand what is so crazy and awesome and incredible about this story they are hearing. Sometimes I just want to say, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, EVERY BREATH, EVERY MOVE, EVERY ABILITY, EVERY MOMENT, EVERY FRIEND, EVERY FAMILY MEMBER, EVERY HAIR ON YOUR HEAD, EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP AND OPEN YOUR EYES AND TAKE A BREATH IS BECAUSE OF THE INCREDIBLE, INSANE, CRAZY, AND SOOOO UNDESERVED MERCY OF THIS INDESCRIBABLE GOD!! EVERY SUFFERING, EVERY TRIAL, EVERY TEMPTATION, EVERY HEARTACHE, EVERY LOSS, EVERY TEAR, EVERY SICKNESS, EVERY SADNESS, EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY... THAT'S HIS MERCY TOO!! HE LETS US HAVE THIS LIFE. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GREAT, AND NEITHER DO I. HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE JUST DOES. And I love you because He does." It breaks me everytime I think about them and how they just don't get it.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Last night at home. I'm not even going to try to express my incredibly confusing feelings right now. But I will say that the Lord has been preparing me for this day the entire summer; my entire life, in fact. I really think that He has huge plans in mind for me in the coming months. I hope that I don't get my own plans and desires in the way. I have a few prayer requests for those of you who are reading this:
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Father, Why would You give me all of these wonderful blessings here at home, just to take them all away in less than a week? I have been so incredibly blessed here at home with my family, in my church with my fellow believers, in relationships with new friends, in relationships with old friends, in my spiritual life, in my relationship with my parents. Everything is perfect right now. Why would you take that away, Lord?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
So I had two topics on my mind to write about today. I miss writing and today I was thinking of a few things that seemed worth writing about. I went to the mall today. (I went twice actually) I was talking to my lovely friend Laura about life and faith and the future and the past. Just about everything. So while we were talking she said something. She said, "God didn't put me here to live a life of comfort, I have all of eternity for that."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I love racing. Running. Swimming. Anything. I love to race. I love sports. I was coaching at a big swim meet last sunday, and for the first time ever I noticed how loud it gets in the building. It was the first time I'd ever been to that pool for a meet and not been an athlete. I miss it so much. Being an athlete was a big part of my life. I may not have been the best swimmer out there, and I may have struggled in running as well, but I loved every minute of it. I love the practices and the meets, and the team dinners, and the meetings. I love the big meets like regionals and conference. I love being with my team. I love racing. Swimming in a race is probably the most exhilerating feeling I can think of. You become the center of attention as they blow the whistle telling the athletes to mount the blocks. Everything around you disappears. I can't remember ever hearing people cheering before a race, although I KNOW they did. Every sound, every person, everything goes away. All I can hear or pay attention to is the starter. He tells us to take our marks. I take my position ready to explode at the sound of the horn. There is nothing in the world at this point but me and the horn. The horn sounds and I jump as far as I can off of the block; I shape my body into the most hydrodynamic shape that I can possibly assume. My fingers, then my head, then my body, and finally my feet all enter the water. My legs start to kick as hard as they can and I burst out through the top of the water. Everything starts to come back. There are other racers now. I can't hear anyone. All I hear is the sound of my arms and legs splashing the water; pushing it harder and more effectively to get ahead. I don't even think about breathing. I simply go. I shift my eyes slightly to the side to see where my competition is. As I speed up to beat them, I start to feel desperate. The turn comes and my legs tighten. My arms start to move fast into the wall. Finally I reach the wall and do everything in my power to get away from it as fast as I can. My legs start to kick again and my lungs start to scream for air. I have to breathe as little as possible. My arms start to move again and on my second stroke I fill my lungs with air. My opponents are inching ahead. I yell underwater, feeling as though there is nothing else to do that will help me go faster. My arms cannot move any faster, and my legs are burning. I have done all that I can. My only job now is to keep going. Don't slow down. Keep my legs pumping. Keep my arms pushing the water. Finish hard! Come in fast!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Father show me! I am tired of trying to do this on my own, I keep saying it, but I really can't do it anymore. I can't pretend like I'm fine when I'm not. Help me put my life in order. I need to make a list, but YOU need to dominate it. You shouldn't just be number one, you should overshadow everything else. You are in everything and above everything. Help me to live my life that way.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Today was the church picnic. Today was also a day full of learning. I love this. Lately God has been constantly showing me and teaching me things. It is so amazing.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Does anyone want to know what the stupidest thing I've ever done is? Well, I'll tell you. The stupidest thing I've ever done is put more hope and faith in myself than in Christ. I do it all the time! I will put more faith in myself to be able to achieve my dreams, to get a good grade, to do my job correctly, to love people effectively, EVEN to love HIM better and to read his word more often!! How stupid is that? I am putting hope in myself for something like that. Why would I put hope in myself anyway? I know that I'm lazy. I know that I don't ever get things done on time. I know that I have horrible self motivation. I know that I always get in arguments with people. I know that I have a very hard time loving some people. I know that I have a very short fuse at times. I know that I've failed hundreds of millions of times trying to do things.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I went to worship with some wonderful friends tonight. I missed them. I missed the atmosphere that is created when I get the priviledge of worshiping with them. They are incredible men and women of God, and I feel so uninhibited when I worship with them. I don't need to feel like I'm being distracting to anyone else when I raise my hands, because they're all raising their hands too. I feel so free to do whatever I want. Tonight I felt like I wanted to fall on my knees, but I couldn't raise my hands high enough. I couldn't get my voice loud enough. I couldn't get my mind focused enough. I couldn't sing the songs long enough. It was wonderful. But I also felt like I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of this God I was worshiping. It hurt me. Then I realized that its ok. Its ok that I don't understand him. Its ok that I can't wrap my mind around it. Its ok that sometimes I'm just being human. Its ok that sometimes I'm not perfect. Its ok that sometimes I can't focus. Because first, God cannot be understood. He's God. He is incomprehensible, and incomparable, and untamable. And second, all that matters is that I love and obey Him. I am not going to be perfect all the time. Thats why the grace of God is unthinkably priceless and infinitely valuable. There is nothing that saves us, save the grace of God. The grace of God is what gives us life, and breath. I have been given this grace, and I love Him. Christianity is not a set of rules that I have to follow, and I am horribly ashamed of myself for having taken so long to figure that out. I always knew, but never understood. If I love the Lord, then everything will fall into place because I'll want to obey him so I'll just end up following Him. Its not a matter of doing the right thing, its a matter of loving the Lord with everything I am and have been and will be and everything I have and have had and will have.
Friday, June 5, 2009
I cannot sleep. I don't know what it is that is keeping me awake, but my eyes won't shut. My mouth won't yawn. My muscles won't relax.
I sit in my bed, with my window open. I listen to the rain. I can feel it splash sometimes. It sounds wonderful. It is so soothing to listen to the consistent and easy sound of rain hitting the trees and the road and the roof. It is so wonderful to think about this creative creation that God has given us. Rain. Water in itself is a very peculiar compound. In its frozen state it is less dense than in its liquid state. It is, to the extent of my knowledge, only compound that does that. It keeps us alive. Without water I could not live for more than a few days. That shows how miraculous it is that Christ wandered the desert for 40 days without food or water. That feat is nothing short of a miracle. Water also keeps the world alive. The plants and the animals rely on it as well. Water also provides relief from hot weather. It is refreshing. Water also provides recreation like swimming, and water park amusements. No wonder God is compared to it.
God is the giver of all life. He is the sustainer of life. He keeps us alive, and not only that, he refreshes us. He makes things new. After a rain things do feel new. The grass is greener, the sky clears, and all the dirt is washed away. That's what God does for us. Our cloudy skies clear, and all of our nasty dirt and sins are washed away and our image is made clean. You may not think that water providing recreation relates to God in any way. That is not true, God provides plenty of fun for us to experience. He gives us breaks, and lets us let our hair down for times. We're never off-duty of being a christian, but he still lets us just hangout under his wing whenever we want to.
I really do love that God is the refresher of the earth. He makes all things new. Including me. He made me new. He's made me new plenty of times. He is graceful. He watches us. He keeps us. He does not EVER forsake us (forsake: to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert). Why? Don't ask me. All I know is that he loves me, and I love Him back. Thats all there is to this Christianity thing.*picture taken by:
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Then later that night my lovely Anna came over to watch the hockey game with me (GO PENS!) and we also went to Goodberry's and I made a very smart choice in my concrete. Chocolate & caramel. Try it! The Penguins won, and it was super exciting. We skipped cell group for it which makes us horrible christians, but wonderful hockey fans. :) But we engaged in some good fellowshipping during the game, so its ok.
And that was my day. Kind of boring, unless you're me, then its awesome.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
For a long while I've really wanted to write. To express myself like I used to. I feel as though I have nothing to write about anymore. I don't have these intuitive ideas, or original thoughts anymore. It has been so long since I've really had something to write about. A long time ago I was talking to the person who inspired me to start writing on this blog and she said that sometimes her favorite times are when she doesn't have anything on her mind. She can let Christ rule her thoughts and let Him do with her fingers as he pleased. She would just start writing and let him reign. That is exactly what I want to do right now. I want to write, I desire to say something, but I know that anything I say will not be at all penetrating to anyone. It had to come from Christ. Nothing I says means anything. I talk about myself, and the world. That is not what matters. Christ matters! He's the only thing that matters. He is the only thing that can change anyone's heart. My words mean nothing. My words come from the world. His words come from the true and lasting kingdom. Things that make a difference. Things that bring people to tears. Things that cause changes of the heart.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wow, this is my second blog within the day. Crazy!!! That never happens.
It is really hard when the person you love most in the world loves someone else most. Someone who's most love should be you. Someone who acts like you are, someone who talks like you are, but never really says that you are the person they love most. Someone like that. I love her most. More than any other person I know. But she loves someone else most. She has someone else who she thinks understands her most. She has someone else who she wants to spend time with more than me. She has someone else who she laughs with more. I don't dislike the other person, it just hurts to see her say that the other person is the one who understands her more than any other person on this earth. I know thats jealousy, but I can't help it. I want to understand her. I do understand her. But she doesn't seem to think so, obviously. I wish I was better than I am at understanding her.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
There is so much to say. I'm back. Up and running. I lost it. I was so far gone, I couldn't find myself, but I'm back. I really am. And it is the best feeling that I could ever imagine. I love the Lord. He's amazing. There aren't words, and that is what is really annoying about languages. No matter what words I use, in however many languages I can find, in as many dialects as are in existance, I cannot tell you how I feel. I feel found. I feel a sense of understanding. I feel renewed. I feel loved. I feel warm.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I have two so far:
-A rose without petals
Monday, May 18, 2009
Everytime I sit down to write nothing comes to mind. I want so badly to unload myself by writing about something, but whatever it is that is pushing me down doesn't want me to know what it is. But I feel so down. Some people reading this might think that I'm down for a certain reason, but I can assure you that I'm over that, I'm doing much better, its not making me sad anymore. I just wish I could figure out what to do to keep myself from feeling so crappy right now.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I was going to write something in here tonight, but not even halfway through it I realized how stupid I sounded. I have been so stuck on myself lately. So absorbed in what I want, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what I need, what I said, who wants to be with me, who is my friend. How does someone who claims to be so "unstuck" on herself end up becoming just the opposite and never noticing it? I found out today that someone who I thought "had their eye on me" for most of last semester, really wanted me to realize just the opposite. When I found out about this, I thought something like, "Does nobody want me?" How selfish is that? Who am I kidding? There are plenty of people who want to be with me and love me very much. Just because some stupid guy doesn't have feelings for me anymore doesn't mean I don't have an entire army of people who are standing behind me, holding me steady with the love they give to me. I also have a heavenly Father who loves me beyond compare. There is no one that has lived, is living, or will live that could love like he does. I should need nothing else. And right now thats all I'm standing on, really.
Monday, May 4, 2009
This is what I have right now:
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Hello dear friends,
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Jesus died the most horrific death in history. The process of crucifixion was developed from the science of killing people in painful and grueling ways. He died this death, and took my sins on his back because he loves me more than anyone else in all of eternity. Picture two people. One is spotless and clean, the other is covered in cow manure. The clean man takes all of the cow manure off of the man and then puts it on his own body. Another man is waiting to take one of these two men into his beautiful mansion. The formerly dirty man, now clean because of the originally clean, is spotless. The now clean man gets to go into the house.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Today my sister and I were cleaning out our closet. It was quite entertaining due to the fact that in our closet are schoolwork assignments, VBS crafts, cards, and projects from our entire lives. No kidding. I found a letter my kindergarten teacher wrote to me a few days before school started. I also found a little diary. I used to write a little tid bit about my day every night before I went to sleep. I was in fourth grade when I started my diary. It is really interesting to see what the child version of me would say about each day. What was important enough to write in a diary entry.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I cannot wait to get married. I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife and have the man who I will love with everything I am. I cannot wait to be number one to someone. I've never been that. I've never been anyone's number one. Its the one thing that really bothers me. I've never had someone, even just a friend, who loved me and wanted to spend time with me more than anyone else. Maybe that is selfish, but it would be nice. There are people who love me, and I know they do. I just don't ever feel like anyone wants to be with me more than anyone else. I cannot wait to come home to a husband who wouldn't rather be with anyone else on this earth. Someone who cares for me more than they've ever cared for someone. A man who wants to give me the moon, whether he can or cannot do that is not the point. A man who wants me to be happy in every single moment. A man who can tell me where I'm wrong, and tell me when I'm being silly and yet still make me feel wonderful. I don't want to feel as though everyone I'm with is always thinking that they'd rather be somewhere else. I can't stand it much longer. I need to be wanted. I need to be needed. I want to raise my children to be wonderful men and women in the Lord. I want to teach them about this incredible love I've found. Its the only love that I know that is spotless. He's the only one who never makes me feel like he'd rather be somewhere else. I want them to know how he loves them. I have dreams and aspirations to be someone who makes a difference in the world, but if God wants to keep me where I am and make me a mother who makes a difference in her children's lives, I'd be happy to do it.