Thursday, December 25, 2008

O Holy Night (Merry Christmas)

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our friend!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

We've all heard this song hundreds of times. I know I've heard it so many times I don't even think about it anymore. Thats sad. We need to think about it.
The first verse says that the world had long been in a slump of having to worry about their errors (error pining) they were stuck in sin with no saving grace except the Lord's forgiveness through animal sacrifices. Then the Lord appeared and all those people who were unconditionally forgiven truly knew the worth of this gift. This weary world had hope now! The hope of a new morning after a horrible day. Like a burden was lifted. The world no longer had to carry this heavy package on their shoulders, THEY HAD CHRIST!
The chorus is just a glorious passage of praise to Christ!
The second verse proclaims that we stand by his cradle with beaming hearts! Our hearts rejoice for this savior! Then the song says that we see the King of all kings lying in a manger. I don't think I've ever really grasped the concept of King of all kings. Just think about that one. This King of all kings was born to be our friend. Think of the most famous person you can think of. Then imagine that that famous person is your best friend. Not just an aquaintance, not just an old neighbor, you didn't just see them on the street, but they are your very best friend. Having Christ as our best friend is infinitely as incredible.

Then the last verse. "Let all within us praise his holy name." Everything. All of us. Every cell. Every finger. Every toe. Every eye. Every drop of blood. Every thought. Every motion. Every look. Let not one thing fail to praise Christ.

This song is far from normal.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Stuck in a Maze

I have been holding it in for so long. It has all been bottled up inside of me. Its like when you climb a mountain and your ears pop, and your head feels like it is ready to explode. Its like when you fill a balloon up with water so much that one more drop will cause all the water to come gushing out. Its like when, at Build-a-Bear, the bear is so full of stuffing that its eye looks like its about to pop off. All this tension builds up inside of me and all I want is to let it out. I don't know how to let it out. I have nothing to be mad about, nothing to be sad about. I have no reason to cry, but thats all I want to do. I have no grounds on which to be angry at anything or anyone. I just want to scream, or cry, or laugh my heart out, or fall flat on my face in front of the Lord. Nothing is working! Nothing relieves me! I tried crying, I'm still confused. I tried being mad, I still feel anguish. I even tried laying everything down before the Lord, but even that I feel as though I have failed. What am I supposed to do? There is no other way. There isn't even a reason as to why I'm feeling this way. I can't figure it out! I can't get through this maze in my head. There seems to be no escape! Help me Father, that's all I want. I want you to be here beside me, carrying me through all of this. I need you. I have nothing else right now. No one else knows my feelings, no one else understands what I'm going through. But you do, Father.

Let me out! I'm trapped!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Spirit vs. Sinful Nature

For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.
- Galatians 5:17

Spirit vs. Sinful Nature
They are in conflict so that you do not do what you want to do.

Your sinful nature -
You naturally want to sin. Since the spirit of God that lives in you as a christian conflicts with that, and you follow that spirit, you shouldn't always do what you want. Eventually, what you want should match up with what God (the spirit) wants.

I want this.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Cracking the Red Brick Wall

There is so much going on in my head, but none of it seems to be tangible. None of it can be pinned to certain words. None of it can be expressed in any way. I want to scream it out at the top of my lungs, but when no words or emotions or actions can express those feelings its hard to do anything to get it out. It's like that section of my thoughts is being blocked. There is something terribly wrong but I am blissfully unaware because there is a brick wall in between my concious thoughts and those hidden thoughts. I say blissfully because isn't it so much easier to not know that something is wrong. When you break a bone wouldn't it be much less painful to be numb, when someone you love is ruining their life wouldn't it be easier to never know, when you fail a test wouldn't it be less stressful to never get it back, when your spiritual life is spiraling downward wouldn't it be less complicated to never truly talk to the Lord. Of course, in my case the wall is starting to break. There are small cracks in it, and I am peeking through. I am starting to realize that something is horribly wrong, but there is not enough information for me to figure out what that is. So, in my case, I am no longer blissful and unaware; I am stressed out and partially aware. It's killing me to see something falling apart over the wall, but not being able to see what exactly it is that is crushing me inside.

Lord, break down the wall!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

In Our Defense

But if anyone does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense.
- 1 John 2:1

Alright, so... first off to understand how incredible all of this is we need to understand what it means when we sin. Right, we did something bad that we shouldn't have done. Not only that, but sin is a DIRECT offense toward God! We are basically punching God in the face when we sin. Second understand that this person who speaks in our defense is Jesus. Jesus is not only God's son, but Jesus IS GOD! So we are punching God/Jesus in the face and Jesus (God's son/God himself) goes to the Father and says, hey... lets forgive that person. If someone punched our best friend, our sibling, our mom, our dad, anyone we had friendly relations with, in the face we would most likely NOT be very quick to forgive. But when we punch God in the face, His beloved Son says, "Hey Dad, forget about that... just forgive them" WOW! Why would he do that? I just punched his Dad in the face! I just punched HIM in the face! But he wants to forgive me! WHOA! Intense stuff.

I hope I explained this well. I feel like maybe it was a bit confusing. Just know, that the fact that Christ does this is the greatest gift ever given!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Whirlwind

I just miss Him. It seems like its been forever since I've felt His presence or experienced the warmth of being wrapped in His arms. I feels like an eternity since the last time I had a good talk with Him or just let Him catch me as I fall. I keep trying to let other things satisfy that presence. I try to feel warm by other earthly arms. I attempt to bear my heart to others in hopes that it will satisfy my need for closure in situations. I continue trying to catch myself, but I just keep hitting the ground. I know I need to throw it all away and look to Him, but when I do that it never seems to work. Is my heart not genuine enough? Do I not truly desire this? Am I really talking to you, Lord? Am I denying you? What in the world is going on? I'm in a whirlwind of thoughts, words, people, feelings, situations. I can't get a hold on one single thing. I just want to fall over. I'm sick of all this. There is so much I'm holding on to, and I don't have the strength to let go! I need your help. I cannot do this on my own.

I miss You.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Shoulder of My Creator

As soon as everything seems great, something ruins it. Not just the one obvious thing that is upsetting me, but other things too. I could be losing something HUGE very soon. I keep questioning my major. I don't know if I want to do music anymore. I might want to major in English. I have two friends who don't get along. I want this post to sound good, but I really don't care right now. This is my heart, and sometimes it doesn't sound eloquent. Things are good, things are bad. Things are happy, things are sad. I can't freaking decide how I feel. I just want to go to her and sit with her and cry. Then I want someone to tell me what I should do with my life. Then I want someone to tell me who I should love and who I shouldn't. Then I just want to fall into the arms of my heavenly Father and let him hold me.

Wait... I can do that now.

Alright, I'm leaving to go cry on the shoulder of the creator of the universe.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


I cannot believe this.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Put My Hope In Something More

Isn't it funny how people will compose fantasies in their head? They'll see every detail of their scene, and soon what started as a simple idea will transform into a reality. This outlandish daydream will become their expectation of actuality; if this does not play out as they have imagined it then they’ll be disappointed. Hopefully, other people can relate to what I’m saying, if they can’t, I guess I’m the only crazy one. I get angry and frustrated with myself for doing stuff like that. I don’t want to expect too much, but what can I say… I’m an optimistic person. I really enjoy hope. Maybe that hope is empty, or impracticable, but I can hope if I want to. I do stuff like that all the time. I’ll think about an encounter with someone, or a meeting with a friend, or a test, or the far off future, and I will come up with these eccentric happenings that would never really take place. It is dumb that I get my hopes up so much, and anticipate this incident that will never really happen. Then when it doesn’t happen I get really disappointed. I need to put my hope in something better.

Hmmmm, let me try Christ.

Monday, December 8, 2008

This weekend I saw four people come to know Christ. I saw friends bring other kids to Christ. I met new brothers and sisters. I can't wait to see them in heaven with me! I can't wait to greet them at the gates of the kingdom. How incredible it is to see three teenage boys and one girl stand up in front of 450 people and say that they met the Lord! That they have a relationship with Him now! It blows my mind that I am so lucky to be the one to greet them into the kingdom.

Friday, December 5, 2008


So this is another blog that I wrote over Thanksgiving break while I was without internet... enjoy!

This time with my family is so perfect. I find myself trying extra hard to cherish each moment, because soon this will be gone. I’ll be back at school away from this. Soon this will all be over. I don’t want it to be over. I love school, but how could I ever think that I like school more than this. Waking up in a home beside my sister instead of in a dorm basically alone. I spent all my time living at home wanting freedom, wanting to get away… now all I want is to be here and stay here. I love my friends at school, but they aren’t my sisters or my brothers. They aren’t my wonderful parents. The worst part is I can’t even really share school with my family. It is so separate. The friends I have at school live hours away from me, most of them will probably never meet my whole family or come to my house. Most of them will never be able to meet my friends from home or see where I went to high school. They won’t be able to know what I love about my home town and they won’t ever see where I got to church. I wish they could, I want these two lives I have to be one. I hate that they are separate. I want each life to know everything about the other, but that just won’t happen.

Why can’t I just bring school home? That would fix all my problems.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Today was Thanksgiving. Well, not the day this is posted because I don’t have internet here.
Anyway, today was thanksgiving. I went to my aunt’s house and we had a big lunch with a bunch of family. I missed them. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen some of them. It was great to have fun and all that, but as we were on our way home I was sitting in the car listening to some music and I realized that I had never thought about what I am thankful for. So, on the car ride home I tried to make a list in my head of different things that I am thankful for. Of course I have the obvious things, my family, my friends, my blessings. Then I thought of things that I miss being at school, things that I never realized that I was thankful for until I missed them. You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone… right? I am thankful for food prepared by people who love me, for long car rides with my family, for each person being a part of the puzzle that is my family, for sleeping beside my sisters, for sitting beside my brother in the car, for my little brother’s big hugs, for seeing my parents be wonderful, for lying on my cousins shoulder while she rubs my head, for more food than I could ever possibly eat, for goodnight kisses from my mom, for hearing my dad’s footsteps through the house, for my mom bringing laundry into my room already folded, for my uncle and my dad being so incredibly alike, for my grandpap loving me more than I could ever know, for my brother and his whistling, for jokes that are years old and yet we still talk about them, for not having to watch what I do or say, for my sister and our late night talks. I never thought that these things meant as much as they do to me. I feel horrible sometimes for minimizing them and what they mean, not only to me but to other people. I’m sorry.

I think I’m the luckiest person alive.



I refuse.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Closed Up

I don't understand why some people are so closed up. Even when they know that I care, and I want to be able to help. Even if I can't do anything, I like to be there to talk to. I like when people can trust me like that. What hurts is when I trust them, but they don't feel the same way.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Goodnight Kisses

Tonight was one of those nights when all I really wanted was my mom to come up behind me and rub my back. My sister to be there to talk to, and my Dad to kiss goodnight. I miss them so badly and thinking about it now makes me want to cry. I can't wait to see you guys! The most likely reason I was so eager to have all this was probably because there were some very low points to my day and I was sooooo busy I couldn't breathe and I feel like I'm about to get sick. I just want someone to scratch my back and kiss me goodnight. You know I haven't had a goodnight kiss since I've been home. Little things start to pile up on you when you're away from home. I never thought I would miss something like that, but I do.

I just want them here.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Little Things

It really is the little things that make my heart jump. The gentle hello, the playfulness communicated by playing with my hair, talking to me across the room with your eyes, wanting to be the last one I say goodbye to, or the way you can tell me so much by the way you hug me. It amazes me all the little things you can do to make my stomach turn over. This all sounds so stupid, but maybe I am stupid. I don't really care.

I like it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Good Old Days

So I was reading my old xanga site. Which was quite interesting I must say. I kind of miss those days. It was just me letting people know my heart. How I felt that day, what I did, where I was emotionally. I was crazy about my faith and I didn't have to be so formal about it as I feel like I have to do now. Let's stop that. God freaking rocks! His love for me is more concrete than this computer I'm typing on right now.

Anyway, I was reading those posts, and I realized that each post had something to do with prayer, or how God did something in my life that day. Not necessarily that I have this great philosophical idea or this amazing thought, but just that God was present in my life that day. I miss feeling like that. Can I have it back, please?


(Oh, and if you want to see my old xanga site, ask me because its pretty funny)

All Hell Quakes

All hell doth at his presence quake,
Though he himself for cold do shake.

Sometimes when things are written in an odd language it takes a while for me to absord them fully. That definitely applies here.

Baby Jesus. Lying helplessly in the straw. Shivering and sneezing from the cold. He is naked save a small blanket wrapped around his tiny body. He looks like any other baby. There is no shining light coming from him, no magic look about him, nothing spectacularly obvious. His face is scrunched up, he cries for his mother, he gets hungry. As a human he just as helpless as any other infant. How silly it would be for me to go up to a newborn baby, announce that he is King of kings, and then bow down before him. It seems a silly picture in my mind, yet this is exactly what the people around him realize. This is God in human form. This is no ordinary child, this is our Lord. The spirit inside of this child created the universe. The devil and his demons fear this child, they know of his power. They understand that this is God, and they tremble at the thought of it. Hell quakes at his presence. Yet, he shivers because the night is cold. He cries because he is tired and hungry. He is both helpless and almighty at once.

Humans must be pretty dense to miss that.

Monday, November 17, 2008


I this I that I...I...I

I am so obsessed with MYself. What is going on with ME. What I am worried about. What is wrong with MY life.

I was frustrated because I never felt anything during worship. I felt like I wasn't being genuine because I wasn't broken and touched by worship lately. I have been distant, but this isn't about me! It's about God! I need to stop worrying about myself and make worship selfless.

ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness. - 1 Chronicles 16:29

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker - Psalm 95:6

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. - John 4:24

Not once do these passages talk about what I can gain from worship.

Webster defines worship as:
reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage

We pay this to God, it is not about what God can do for us during worship or how he can make us feel.

On I found an entry about worship. Someone so wisely said that:

In the case of people who choose a religion because it makes them feel good about themselves, they themselves are the object of their worship, no matter how ecstatically they utter the name of their deity.

We can sound as excited as anyone, and yet we will still be doing all of this for ourselves. We want to make ourselves look good, and make ourselves feel free from blame, so we worship a god. That is so selfish of us.

Father, I want this to be about you. I want my life to reflect a selfless form of worship. I want to become less while you become more. I am nothing, my life means nothing, my deeds are nothing, my kindness means nothing without you, Father! Let me worship you without the outside distractions of who is watching, how I look, and how it makes me feel. Father, you are the center of worship, who am I to dare think that I am supposed to get something out of worship.

I want to be selfless, for you my dear Father!

(I don't want anyone to think that worship shouldn't make one feel good or happy. It should. But we must understand that worship is about Christ, it has nothing to do with us.)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

What Am I Doing?

Break my heart
So I can be like Jesus.
Break every part
So I can be like him.

Oh how I need to be holy.
Oh how I need to be still.
Oh how I need your spirit
To lead me.

I am so unsure. I want to sound encouraging. I want to sound lighthearted and happy. I want to be free from this angst that keeps a burden on my heart. I can't let it go, though. I can't seem to let go and let things happen as they will. Just sitting here, after a wonderful night with a wonderful friend I still feel heavy. I feel like there's something hovering over me, or sitting on my shoulders, or pressing my heart deep into my stomach. I feel like I have something to worry about all the time. I shouldn't though. I know that the only reason I feel this way is because my heart is set on things other than Christ. My heart is set on being satisfied by stupid things.

I will only feel free when I find my satisfaction in Him. He is the only thing that can make my heart feel light again. The only thing that can take the burden away. He is the only true encourager, the only true lover, the only true father, the only true friend. He is the only one that can make me feel the way I used to. When I first started writing I was carefree. I saw beauty in so many things. I thought deeply about the things I saw everyday. I saw Christ in every aspect of my life. I experienced happiness through simple things such as a warm day, a good hug, some time alone, a beautiful verse, a loving conversation. I still find happiness in these things, but not because I see Christ in them. I find happiness in these things because they feel good. I miss seeing Christ in my life. I miss feeling him present everyday. He's so far away. My heart hasn't broken for Christ in far too long. I need my heart to break, if it doesn't then I'll keep feeling burdened. I won't let go of this crap that I've surrounded myself with.

Break my heart!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Calling for Attention

All these distractions are calling for my attention. They scream for my attention and beg me to look their way. My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus. Christ won't scream above the noise. He will be the still small voice that I must listen for. I want to say my world revolves around something, but what is that? Is it really Christ around whom my life is centered? Does he really consume me? I want him to. I need him to. I want to say that he holds me together. I want to believe that his love and care envelopes me. I want to be sure that everything in my life comes back to Christ, that nothing is seperate from him. I long to surrender everything. He should own my life, my thoughts, my friends, my schoolwork, my time, my senses, my feelings, my everything. I need to let him be Lord of everything, I can't let myself keep parts of my life. Once I give him everything, my life will change drastically for the better. Nothing is better than having Christ rule my life. So, I must let go of these other things demanding my time and thoughts and energy. I have to let Christ hold my thoughts. I have to let him be Lord of absolutely EVERYTHING!

I have to. He must be my world.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
-Hebrews 13:5b-

This struck me as absolutely mind-blowing when I read it. Not only should we be content with what we have because we don't want to be greedy, but we must be content with what we have because we have everything we could ever need in our Lord and Savior! To not be content would be to say that Christ is not enough; Christ cannot fill the empty space in our hearts and lives; Christ is not the final answer. Christ is not only the final answer, Christ is the only answer. We have nothing without Christ.

But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wildflower.
-James 1:10-

Earthly belongings pass away. Money, clothing, positions, good looks, houses, accomplishments, even relationships. Some of these things are great things to have during our life times, but they are not everything. We cannot put our salvation and hope in anything that is here. The one and only thing that can give us hope, free us, and save us is Christ.

Be content with what you have not because its the good thing to do, but because Christ is all you could ever need.

Modest is Hottest

"A girl worth kissing isn't easy to kiss."

A kiss is so commonly cheapened. So many people will kiss others simply because they want to kiss someone. I've never been kissed, so I cannot say I understand the desire. I do want to be kissed, but to just kiss anyone seems to make the whole ritual a bit pointless. If someone will kiss just anyone for the reason of wanting to kiss someone, then what makes a kiss special? It's just a kiss, right? It doesn't mean much, right? Why would someone want attention just because people know that they can get a make-out session out of them? To me that is negative attention.

The best way to make a kiss special and intimate is to make it hard to get.

As one of my best friends would say, "Modest is hottest."

I've never thought much of that saying, but once I thought about it, it means much more than it's face value. Modesty is usually referred to in reference to clothing, and modest clothing is much more classy than immodest clothing. Modesty could also be referred to in reference to attitude. A modest (held back) attitude is more attractive than someone who throws themself at people. I've never thought much of people who do that sort of thing.

Back to the point of this...

The kiss worth having is the one that is hard to get.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

These walls

I remember when these walls brought tears to my eyes. I remember when all I wanted was to slow time down, to go back, to be as far away from these walls as I could possibly get. These walls meant leaving my family, being seperated from the ones who love me, leaving my home, being on my own, knowing no one. These walls were not a sign of hope, or happiness, or home, or love, or of anything good to me. Everything good to me was back there, in that home, with those people. No one here knew me, or loved me, or cared one bit who I really was.

Now that feeling is gone. These walls mean love, friends, a home away from home, hope, happiness, goodness. These walls are a sign of comfort. These walls are familiar.

These walls are home.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

What does it mean?

What does it mean when as soon as I leave their presence I miss them? What does it mean when I want to talk, but I'm too nervous? What does it mean when their arms around me is enough? What does it mean when a good conversation with them means the world to me? What does it mean when I want so bad to be patient, but can't help but be impatient? What does it mean when just their laugh makes my heart smile? What does it mean when a look speaks multitudes? What does it mean when I am unsure or everything? What does it mean when my stomach jumps at the thought? What does it mean when I can't stop replaying everything over and over again? What is wrong with me?

I don't have any answers.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Walk by faith

By faith Abraham...obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

-Hebrews 11:8

Why am I at this school? I have no earthly clue. The Lord put me here. He told me I am meant for ministry, he shows me the way as I go along. I have no idea what sort of ministry I want to do, I don't know how I want to do ministry, I don't know where I want to do ministry. I follow Him, and He shows me as we go. My eyes cannot see this path, but my heart follows my Lord.

They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.

-Hebrews 11:13

I often get discouraged when I do not see people react to the message. I feel as though nothing will ever be reaped, and I'll sow all my life. I'll plant seeds, and tell people about Christ, but I never seem to see the effects of those seeds. It is discouraging, but I must walk by faith.

He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward.

-Hebrwes 11:26

My reputation is shamefully important to me. I get upset when I'm not everyone's favorite person, because I've always thought that the ministry person should be loved by all. The opposite is true; many people despise the minister, or the one who speaks the name of the Lord. I must not linger on silly things such as my reputation. The Lord will shape each part of my life as He pleases.

Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

-Hebrews 12:1

It is so easy to get caught up in the things of this world. It is so simple to be distracted by sin. I must keep looking ahead. I will not finish this race if I am constantly looking to the sides. The Lord is in front of me, showing me where to go each step of the way. If I look away I am looking away from my Father God.

Let me live by faith.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Blessed Beyond Description

I'll say a dozen prayers, but none of them feel answered. I'll say a million words, but none of them feel heard. I'll sing a thousand songs, but none of them feel listened. I'll write a hundred letters, but none of them feel read. There are numerous people who hear me, few who listen; few who understand; few who comprehend the meaning of my words. Father, thank you for those who do listen. Thank you for the ones who care. Thank you that You always listen. There is never a split second where You are not ready to hear my prayers. You, Father, the Lord of the Universe, Creator of all things, famous, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, loving, merciful Lord. I'm blessed beyond description, and joyful beyond reason for the great gift you've bestowed upon me.
Praise the Lord for His undeserved blessings.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I don't know how to make the feelings stop

I shouldn't love you, but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
-Jesse McCartney-

This basically describes my life right now.
(Brooke, you got me into posting lyrics)

Monday, November 3, 2008


Everyone has their obsession.
Consuming thoughts; consuming time.
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives.
-Mute Math-

Father God Almighty is my obsession. He controls my thoughts; he fills my thoughts; he has overtaken my thoughts. He has posession of my time. He is the master of my days, the manager of my time. He does with the hours in my life as he pleases. He is my prized posession. He is not a trophy; trophies sit on shelves, collecting dust and being ignored for the majority of the time. He is not what some would call a "posession" because He is not mine, I am His! He is not simply number one on my list, He IS my list. He defines my life. He is my life, not only in the sense that He is important to me, but He IS the only thing in me that keeps me alive. He literally keeps me breathing, my heart beating, my muscles strong. My life not only belongs to Him, but my life is Him! He is perfectly faithful to remain all of this in me. He remains the Lord of everything, forever. I enjoy this life, I live for the Lord and I would not have it any other way. He is the only thing that could ever be Lord of my life.

Anything else on earth would fail.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Hear them say..

Missing people is different than having them miss me too. I can say I miss someone, and it will make me sad. To hear them say it back, puts me in tears. The second I hear their voice, see their face, feel their hugs, I cannot hold myself together. I say I miss people all the time, and I have a smile on my face. I cannot ever hear someone say that to me without having tears in my eyes.
I miss you.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Have You?

Have you ever been so confused you think your brain might explode? Have you ever had no idea what in the world is going on? Have you ever wanted to just get yourself away from the world for a while? Have you ever wished that it was just you and God and no one else? Have you ever wanted to just hide under the covers and hope that the sun comes up eventually? Have you ever been expecting one thing and been horribly disappointed when the opposite happened? Have you ever just wanted to cry, but the tears won't come? Have you ever wished that you hadn't even tried? Have you ever hoped that time will reverse and you could go on living in your own fantasies? Have you ever wanted to close your eyes, wish real hard, and open them to see your life turn out perfectly? Have you ever?

I have.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


You are my best friend. You are my confidant. I tell you so much. Your ears hear things that few people are told. You're a closed book when it comes to secrets. I trust you more than a lot of people, and that is saying something because I tend to trust people extremely easily. I feel comfortable around you. You're like a big brother, but we never fight. You are a leader for me in my faith, and you are always there to help me. Whenever I have a question, I first think to ask you. You give great advice, and I value your opinion very much. You could easily convince me that wrestling a crocodile is a good idea. You comfort me when I'm upset; you rejoice with me when I'm happy; you listen when I'm frustrated; you ease me when I'm angry. I can't imagine not having you to go to. I feel as though I can always talk to you, and I often get scared that people will become annoyed so feeling as though I can always come to you is a big deal for me. Talking to you makes my day, it's like a special event, no matter how often it happens. My feeling for you are not romantic, but I love you.

Thank you for being there, always.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Why Am I Nervous?

Mind racing. Heart throbbing. Hands trembling. Eyes watching. Sometimes I feel so juvenile. Why do I feel like this? I should be more mature about it all. I shouldn't be so silly. I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want to be deep. I want to be open. It's hard when the other person doesn't. The other person seems so closed, so unwilling to let anyone know them, so scared to put themselves out there, so hard to read. This person is unlike anyone I've ever met. I'm usually good at predicting how people will react, but this one is different. How am I supposed to relate to that? How am I supposed to get to know that personality? No matter how closed this person may seem, my heart still jumps, my eyes still widen, my thoughts still scatter. I don't even understand myself in the situation.

I'm still nervous.

Life comes fast


Write out your life for the next for years.

How am I supposed to decide what I want to do with my life, and then look up every single class that I will take for that purpose so soon? I am still young. I used to have all the time in the world. Everyone says, "Oh you have time, don't worry." I don't seem to have any time anymore. Everyone wants me to know.

I've never really loved anything at school. Learning comes naturally, I like to learn new things, but I don't love school. I've never been incredible at anything at school either. Everyone else has their subject, math, science, history, english, music, theatre. I have none of that. The only thing I've ever been good at or passionate about is sharing Christ. Getting to know people and being a beacon of light in a dark world. I have never REALLY wanted to do anything else. What kind of job can I get with that though? How am I supposed to support myself like that? I have no idea. Everything is coming up so fast. It's all in a blur, it's charging at me full speed, it's about to hit me. I can brace myself for the blast all I want, I will still be knocked down.

It is a good thing I have Christ to pick me up. I'm relying on Him to show me.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I'm sorry

On Saturdays, as I look back on my week a general feeling toward the past 6 days will consume my mind. There are two types of weeks. The I-had-so-much-to-deal-with-and-never-got-to-spend-time-with-any-friends week or the I-had-such-a-good-time-this-week-and-it-was-so-relaxing week. I feel as though the latter of the two has come in short supply for the last month or so. I miss feeling like I deepened relationships and spent time with friends. I miss relaxing, sitting outside on a cool fall day just thinking. I miss having a good night's sleep, and waking up in the morning excited. I miss living without numerous difficult situations arising during a 2 day period. I miss the easy feeling of walking down the sidewalk, sipping a soda, talking about something close to your heart, and doing all of that with a best friend. Everything is getting more and more difficult as each day passes. I have a few choices: 1) hide it, act like everything is ok, and don't talk about it with anyone 2) hide it, act like things are ok with certain people, but then talk about it behind other's backs 3) deal with things, talk about them in a calm way, and try to do better or 4) deal with things, but not everything and keep certain things stored away which doesn't really solve anything. I would choose the third if this were a survey, but since it's real life and I'm human, I often (sadly) choose the second. I'm human, I make mistakes, shouldn't people be able to forgive me? I guess I shouldn't let myself fall back on that, not everyone is going to love how I act. Not everyone is going to appreciate me. I'm not everyone's favorite person. I need to work on things just like anyone else. I'm sorry for being so self-absorbed and sure of myself. I'm sorry for making so many mistakes, and hurting so many people. I'm sorry for never apologizing. I'm sorry for my poor choices. I'm sorry for being inconsiderate. I'm sorry for being careless. I'm sorry for leaving my friends. I'm sorry for underappreciating things. I'm sorry for not improving myself.

But I want to listen; I want to hear what people think. I want to know how people feel.

I'm listening. I'm waiting.

It's coming

I am still pondering over this thought I'm having. It needs to be perfect. I need to include every little detail. This is huge to me, I've never been so excited about an idea. I cannot wait to write this down.

When I do write it down, I hope it will touch someone. I know there are only about 2 people that read this :) but I just want this to impact someone. I think God put this idea in my head for a reason, and I know that if I spend time on it, and I don't cheapen it.... it will touch someone. Any idea God has will make an impact. This is God's thoughts, not mine. I'm just lucky enough to have them bestowed upon me.

I can't wait.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Bowling :)

Bowling is fun. I wish I were better. When you have the same score (that score being 7) for three straight frames it gets a little bit embarassing. Maybe if I buy my own bowling shoes and bowling ball I'll be better. I like high fives and gutter balls. I like strikes and celebrations. I like competitiveness and bets. I like hitting the floor too hard and throwing the bowling balls in the air. I like tacky bowling shoes and awesome collared shirts. I like singing songs with the music and having the music suddenly stopped in mid sing :) I like falling asleep in the car. I like watching someone drink turkish coffee (which is hardly liquid). I like new friends.

What a wonderful night.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Empty Mind

I wish I had something concrete to say. Today is one of those days where nothing is tangible. Everything is cloudy, no emotions are clear, no situations are obvious, no ideas are concrete. My day was questionable. I feel undecided. I have nothing to really write about. I'm giving Christ full reign right now. I have one passage that has interested me. I read it the other night, and it pertains to the idea that I am forming in my head. I would write about that now, but I have little time. The verses are absolutely beautiful and glorious though.

Titus 3:4-8

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.

Oh, what a sensational, astounding, marvelous, phenomenal, and magnificent Lord I serve!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fall weekend

A weekend to remember and embrace. To relish and enjoy. To laugh about and reminisce. To worship and praise. To cherish and treasure.

A weekend of hugs and love. Of hellos and goodbyes. Of tears and laughs. Of conversations and coffee. Of worship and prayer. Of encouragement and belonging.

Seeing old faces is one of the most comforting sights I can think of. Coming back to voices that I can recognize in an instant, hugs that I fit into, love that seems incredibly natural and easy, people that can see through me as though I am transparent. It is oddly comforting and yet incredibly nerve racking. One word about how I'm doing and I'll spill my whole life to someone.
Rain, cold, football, cheering, music, wet! Starbucks, good tea, wonderful friends, fun conversation. I had a lot of catching up to do. I missed these people.

Sleep, relax, breakfast and lunch at the same time (just like K&B Thursdays), rest, fair, funnel cakes, fried oreos, chili chees fries, roasted corn, five hundered pounds, drive home, falling asleep.

Baptisms, incredible worship, beautiful testimonies, inspiring words, awesome sights. The Lord was present. The changes that happened in the hearts of my friends were centered around Christ. He was the one they sought after, He was the one that changed them, and is changing them. He shows them, and everyone else, each day that He is with us, fighting the battle, winning the war. He is our shield, our armor. He is in our words, in our hearts, keeping us ready to face the opposition.

What a wonderous weekend.

Let it Go

Ministry. I thought I knew it all.

In ministry everyone thinks that you are an amazing person. You are nice, faithful, righteous, giving, kind, generous, loving, christ-like. I guess I'm being foolish in thinking these things. The world won't love me, because I am showing Christ. I'll be often disliked, midjudged, misunderstood. I have to lay down everything.

My reputation is oddly and shamefully important to me. I feel as though it has been dedicated to Christ because I want my reputation to be that of a Christian. But... Christ needs me to let go of even that vision. I am still the one dealing with and forming my reputation. CHRIST needs to take it and do with it as he pleases. He will shape that part of my life in a way that will bring him the most glory, however that is. If the Lord wants people to see me in a light that isn't as flattering as I hoped then He will make me look that way. But what is more important than giving it all to Christ? Nothing.

Help me to lay it down.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I am home, I am here.

Wake up. Rain falls, splashes, slides on the roof, taps on the window, telling me it is time to wake up. Sleep: serene, comforting. Lying in my own bed, with my pillows below my head and my blankets weiging down on me pushing me into sleep. My sister wakes, she stretches, and walks out. What a comforting sight. My mother walks in later, after I have had my fill of rest, she wakes me up. My own mother is waking me up, gently, lovingly, comforting. Breakfast is on the table (and so is lunch, I am late waking up). I am too full to finish, I love eating food that is made by someone I know. My dad jokes around as I eat. Playing music, having fun. I am home. I am here. My home smells wonderful, like a place where I belong. As much as I love school, home is here. This is where I can trust, where I can relax, where I don't have to watch myself. What a blessing it is, to have a family like I do, and to live in a house like I do. The Lord has blessed me greatly, how can I ever thank Him? How can I do something that will show Him how much I am thankful for what He's given me. This is perfect. How am I rewarded for nothing?

I don't deserve this.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


If I ever do anything that bothers you, please tell me. I love to improve myself. I enjoy working on something that is wrong with me. I very much desire to make myself better. There is never a point at which I am good enough. The Lord works on my heart every moment, and it is still filthy. If anyone ever tells me something that is wrong with me then I will do my best to be understanding. That is all I want. Don't keep things from me, because it will only cause problems. I try to be level headed about things like that, and I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. If I say something you don't love, let me know. I'll clear things up for you. It's THAT easy.


Monday, October 13, 2008


Everything seems to end up sort itself out eventually. I love when things end up ok. The frustration, the anger, the tears, the hurt, it is all gone now. The peace in my heart is unexplainable, and the calm in my head is soothing. It feels as though these thoughts have been a long time coming, and now that the feeling is here I hope it never leaves me.

Oh sweet serenity.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Someone like me...

What did I do right? Why am I so lucky?

I have one of the most blessed lives. The Lord has given me so much! He has given me friends that love Christ with every fiber of their being, a family that deeply loves and cares for me, friends that I can relate to, friends that may not be christians but are still some of the most amazing people I've ever met, a heart for the lost, a love for the people around me, a wonderful opportunity to come to this absolutely incredible school, the chance to meet some of the most incredible people on the face of this planet. But not only that. He's given me the right to worship HIM, I can speak to the Lord of the earth. I can sing to Him. I can love Him. I can have a relationship with Him. I can get to know Him. I can trust Him. I can worship Him no matter what language I'm speaking. I can be sure that He is true. I can be His CHILD! The best illustration that I can think of in order to see how incredible these opportunities are is to think of God as an incredibly famous person. I would think of Him as the president. How many people get the chance to have a personal relationship with, and get to know the president. Only his family, and his very best friends. Nobody is even allowed to get near him. BUT, God gave us the right to sit beside Him, he has conversations with us, he loves us, he cares, he pays attention, he knows, he is my FATHER!

I cannot figure out why He would ever love someone like me.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Developing Thoughts

I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a while now. It's extremely important to me and everything seems to relate to it. It is so complex now that I cannot even put it all into words. I really want to write about it, but I want to make sure its well developed first. I couldn't just keep letting it stay in my head so I just thought I'd post something saying that I am going to post something about this idea. I am actually very excited about it, and I think this is the only place that I can say anything about it because not many people see this. I think this idea may offend a few people, and I don't want to do that. I just really love this concept that the Lord has put on my heart for the past few months. So, I'm pretty sure only one or two people actually read these posts, but they won't be offended. So, I'm safe putting it on here. I'm super excited...

Get ready.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Unrecognized gifts...

My heavenly Father is a smart man. He gave us such incredible gifts. Some may have more obvious gifts. The gift of music, of speaking, of singing, of writing, of running, of swimming, of academics, of teaching, of helping, of performing, of athletics. These are not the only gifts though. God gives some people an incredible gift of observation. Some people can tell a lot about a person by some simple gesture that they make. Such as how they ask for something, how they treat an employee, how they carry themselves, how they speak. There is also the gift of loving. Of making someone feel as though they belong even when they don't feel as though they do. I cannot say that I am very good at this, I'm actually horrible at making people feel welcome. Not because I don't want them to feel welcome, but I'm often very oblivious to what goes on around me. Some people have the gift of decision making. They can make decisions on the spot no matter what they are. What to eat, where to go, which work to do first, how to start a statement, how to introduce themselves, what to order at a restaurant. I am personally incredibly indecisive. I do not like to make decisions too quickly because I find that often I regret making them if I do that. I don't know if other people love this about me though. Other people are amazing at being corteous. They always ask about turning off a light if someone else is in the room, they don't want to play the music too loud, they realize when someone needs quiet, they are respectful to someone on the phone, they hold doors, say thank you, and smile at people for doing absolutely nothing.

The people that have these gifts may not feel as though they have many gifts because not many other people recognize their gifts. God notices these. He gave them to you for a specific purpose. He wants you to use them for His glory!

What an honor!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Look Toward Heaven

It's one of those days.

You know the days when everything is going great, and yet nothing is that great. Everything works out perfectly, but I don't seem to care about that. I want something to happen that makes me happy, but everything I expect to please me is failing me. I expect my early wake-up to be nice, but it's not really. I expect my workout to make me feel better, but after a few hours that wore off. I expect seeing an amazing person to cheer me up, but it just isn't as great as it could be. I expect some music to put me in a good mood, but it doesn't help one bit.

I'm expecting to gain happiness and satisfaction from these things that can never give it to me. Once I find my satisfaction in Christ, that is when I'll finally be happy. Only Christ can bring true happiness. These earthly things I keep looking to are so temporary and always fail. I need to look to Him and put my eyes toward things not of this earth, but of eternal things. I'm not happy without Him.

He is my everything.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

My mocking voice...

Behold the man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life, I know that it is finished.

What an incredible verse!
The scene is Jesus on the cross. He is there because and ONLY because he is bearing my sin. He is dying the most painful death in history because He wants me to be able to have a relationship with Him. Everything I've ever done wrong is now HIS sin. Yet, I still am mocking Him. MY voice is the one that is calling out against Him. MY words hurt him, and stab him. MY hands beat his back and shove a painful crown over his brow. MY hands drive nails through his flesh. MY arms put the cross in the ground, and MY eyes watch Him die, laughing at his misery. MY sin is those nails, MY sin is the weight that drives him to suffocation, MY sin is the only thing keeping him on that cross. If it weren't for MY sin He wouldn't have to die in order to give me a relationship with Him. He breathes one last time, saying "It is finished," and then dies. He is gone, the Father has turned his face away from Christ.

Some may think they are good enough for God, that because they are saved that verses like these do not apply to them. What a ludicrous statement! Everyone of us, no matter how good we are (that includes Mother Teresa), had to have our sins taken by Christ. Saviour is no easy word, its nothing to throw around. Christ is our Saviour.

I'll never turn away from that.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


I desire to speak of two things:


Oh man, dreams do come true.

I am absolutely elated right now. Mornings make me happy, especially when you have an amazing yesterday to remember.


I very much enjoy cold weather. To wake up to my temperature saying 44 degrees was extremely welcoming. I love wearing long pants, sweatshirts, jackets, scarves. Getting coffee, making freezing cold runs to cookout, watching football games, taking walks outside, bundling up, hats, having snow, seeing my breath, singing out loud, using blankets, blasting the heat, getting under my covers, being cozy, chattering teeth, icicles. Everything is more fun when its cold outside!

Oh boy...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Gift

Father God,

I see the world around me and all it's problems. The fighting, the hurt, the hate, the carelessness, the sin, the pain, the starvation. The world is not a great place, and I contribute to the bad condition of this world. I see all these things, and I wonder... Why did you bless me? Why am I so lucky as to have been born into the most amazing family in the world, have incredible friends, have a love for You, have a love for others? Why am I able to walk, talk, see, hear, run, sing, play music, write these blogs, have a home, have food to eat? What did I do right?

Don't let me take for granted this great life you've given me. Please, Lord, I don't want to think that I deserve this, because I do not deserve any of it in the least. YOU gave it to me, YOU provide for me. Every moment, every breath, every song, every prayer, every step, every word, every look, every touch, EVERYTHING was given to me by YOU, Father! I am so grateful for this, Father.
I don't want to keep it to myself.

Random Visits.

Don't you love it when someone totally unexpected comes by just to visit you. It may not be only you, but I still think its amazing. I love friends who care. People who genuinely care and love me. I am absolutely thrilled right now that I have friends who love me this much. People who aren't liars, or fake, or jerks, or annoying, or inconsiderate, or disrepectful. They care about me and they don't ever ever want to hurt me or see me hurt.

I love random visits.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Walking Arm in Arm

I am contradicting myself. Yesterday started out horribly; I was in a bad mood, I slept through classes, and I was frustrated. It ended wonderfully; I spent a presumably boring night just walking around with a friend (it actually ended up being wonderful), I spent some time with some amazing people, I straightened out frustrating situations, I joked around, I winked at someone, I was cared for. I love days like that when all you need is someone to make you smile, and that one smile changes your whole outlook on the day. But then today started out incredibly; I woke up on time, I was able to actually get ready, I was able to stay awake in class, I took great notes, I learned about possible majors, I walked arm in arm with a friend, I had a wonderful unexpected breakfast with three awesome people, I had a casual conversation. Now I am sitting in my bed, with my laptop on my lap, feeling the best I've felt this week. Days like this can only get better.

I must be a moody person, having had a horrible day yesterday and being sad, but then having an incredible day today and being giddy.

I'm ok with that.

Another smile...

Another day, another disappointment. But that's not all.

Another day, another smile, another laugh, another friend, another story, another joke, another time, another talk, another call, another game, another movie, another text, another dinner, another great evening.

How could a day that starts out sleeping through two classes, being mad about previous situations, having a bad lunch, and not being able to face my problems end up with laughs, friends, conversations, random visits, heart-to-hearts, good hugs, and great times?

God blessed me, thats how.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Train thinking...

So today I took a train trip from Raleigh to Charlotte, and you would not believe the thinking that a train ride can provoke. This is all that I wrote on my trip:

Call me a romantic, but I think this is pretty cool. Taking the train back to school, and writing a blog at the same time… what could be more romantic?
The sun is shining through the window, every once and a while the trees hold back the light. I should be doing my homework, but who needs that? I like this. Sitting, thinking, admiring.
We pass by a cemetery. I wonder who is there. I wonder what kind of grief was left on that ground. I can see the funerals going on, I can imagine the people lamenting, the children not understanding, the ladies crying, the men sobbing. The people who are now resting under the earth were loved in their life, I’m sure. They must have been wonderful people. Grandmothers, grandfathers, moms, dads, wives, husbands, daughters, sons, community members, church goers, talented athletes, gifted in music, valedictorian of their high school class. It is odd to think that every person who is buried in that cemetery at one time had a life, a family, a place to belong. But now they are not there, their place is empty. At once they had to try and make a place, and now that place is so set in stone that it cannot be filled. Some may think it would have been easier for them to have never been known, at least then no one would have to grieve, no one would have to miss, no one would cry. But those same people would never have been blessed by the beautiful life of that lost loved one.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my husband lately. It is like I already know him, and I already miss him. I can imagine he and I having children and caring for them, having dinners with our parents and time alone. I can imagine our conversations, and the affection that we will share. I miss him. I don’t even know him but I miss him. He is out there somewhere, maybe I’ve seen him, maybe I know him. Someday our lives will come together. He is out there, living his own life, thinking of me too. I long for his arms to be around me, and for his love to consume me. I long for the intimacy of marriage that we will share, for the love and affection, the way we will know each other and admire each other, the way we will argue and disagree, but still love each other, the way we will both love the Lord with all of our heart, the way He will be the center of our lives. I miss him.

It’s pretty easy to make me smile. Give me a good book, a cup of coffee, a comfy chair, and some solitude and I’ll be happy for the rest of the day. Give me a crowd of people, good music, and wonderful friends and I’ll be happy. Give me one good friend, one long conversation, and lots of laughs and I’ll have the best time. Give me one new friend who makes me laugh and I’ll smile. Give me a train, a computer without internet, and a rainy night and I’ll write three blogs which makes me happy. Give me one heartfelt and happy text message and I’ll give you a smile. Give me lunch with friends who I haven’t seen in a month and I will think about it for days. Give me a train ride home, and some time to think and I’ll get every single thought in my head down on paper. This makes me happy.