Sunday, December 26, 2010

They Shall Be White as Snow

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."
-Isaiah 1:18

Maybe the reason people get so excited about the snow is because it is a beautiful picture of our God.  Most obviously, it is white and beautiful.  The bible tells us that our sins make us like crimson, but because of Christ's sacrifice we can be made as white as snow.  Second, it is so gentle and beautiful while at the same time it can be dangerous.  It also can cause people to stop their plans.  God's presence calls us to stop and admire, praise, worship, and love Him.  All too often we don't stop because we don't recognize Him.  I admit to being guilty as well. God demands our worship, and our attention.  There is nothing greater than being at His feet and there is no higher calling than to be His servant.  Instead of going along with my day as God's presence calls to me, I will stop and acknowledge His greatness.  Let the wonder, gentility, and strength of the snow be a reminder of our wonderful Lord.

Monday, December 20, 2010

My Precious Victor Jesus

How many times was I told to keep my eyes ahead when I run?  So why am I looking around now, when the prize is so much greater than coming in first?

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. -Hebrews 12:1

I so often look around the world on my own to find things.  I look for provision, happiness, a husband, satisfaction.  There is nothing more important at this time than simply looking ahead and running the race that God has set out for me.  God's arms are stretched out wide in front of me, and I should be sprinting to them.  I should long for my Jesus so much that I can't stand my human body that keeps me from getting to experience Him fully.  Yet I dwell in this body happily and I feel satisfied in my popularity and beauty.  I feel fine just going through my day without even once speaking the most precious name I know.  I feel perfectly okay without speaking the words that could save a life from eternity away from the Father.  I am satisfied with myself when I sing well and make a few people smile.  I should love Jesus so much it makes people confused.  I should be so obsessed with His glory that people wonder what in the world my purpose in life is.  I should long for more of Him so earnestly that there is no mistaking His hold on my life and my heart.  I should be running so fast and so hard for Him that the things that may be important and impressive and satisfactory to the world are only a blur in my peripheral vision because I am running so fast and so focused toward my precious victor Jesus.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Lost Son

When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servant have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.' So he got up and went to his father.  But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
-- Luke 15:17-20

So many people don't understand that there is no 'good enough' for God.  We can never be good enough.  Our lives will never be worth acceptance from God.  Praise the Lord that we are not good enough, because if we could be, why would we need God at all?  Instead, He pursues us while we're still so far from perfection just like in the parable of the lost son.  We don't have to be good enough because when we accept the saving grace of Jesus, his death pays for all of our sins.  The father in the parable has been betrayed by his son.  His son essentially told him that he'd rather have him dead, and he wants his inheritance now.  He then goes and spends it all on immoral things.  When the son decides it would be smarter for him to go back and at least be a servant in his father's home he starts on his way back.  The father sees his from far away.  Without the son ever saying a word his father runs to him without haste.  He was so far away, but his father had been watching and waiting for him.

That is how God feels about each of us.  He is watching and waiting for you to come home, and when he sees you on the very horizon of salvation, He will run to you and take you in as if you have never sinned against him once. How could you refuse a love like that?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Dear World

Dear World,

Thank you for persecuting me and considering me insane.  By trying to hurt me you are only blessing me.  I strive everyday to be more like my Savior.  When you tell me I'm crazy, I know I'm doing something right.  I want to identify with Jesus, and you're only helping me in that.  Don't think you're getting me down by hurting me.  You're only pushing me closer to Jesus, which is exactly where I want to be.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

And so it goes.

I'm going to miss this.  Home. Music fills the rooms. Laughter and joking. Family.  The sounds of home. My dad sits strumming his guitar, and the television talks to no one in the background.  The crickets chirp in the thick night air.  The feelings of home. Safety and security. Love. Comfortability. Easiness.  I'm going to miss the morning. Waking up to the sounds of my family going about their business downstairs.  I'm going to miss going up to my wonderful mother and resting my head on her shoulder.  I'm going to miss being able to cry to my sister.  I'm going to miss having my brother to beat up.  I'm going to miss the beautiful heart of my wonderful baby sister. I'm going to miss my dad and the way he shows that he cares.

I love you. I'll miss you.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I often find myself realizing the goodness of my gracious Savior.  Almost immediately afterward I find myself realizing that I should have made that previous realization much sooner.  Almost immediately after my second realization I have a third realization that I have realized his goodness before.
I always thought this was a bad thing.  I thought that if I was truly in love with my Lord then I would have remembered His goodness from the last time I experienced it.
God's goodness is never-ending.  Not only in time, but in depth and in volume.  My realizations never seem to end only because I'm realizing different levels and degrees and aspects of His goodness.  I'm not forgetting.  God's goodness isn't something you can ever fully comprehend, let alone the first time you realize it.

Sunday, August 1, 2010


Sometimes I think its all about me.

Ok... A LOT of the time I think its all about me.

Its not.
Its about Jesus.

Not me.
Not you.
Not the President.
Not the environment.
Not the ozone layer.
Not the universe.
Not your family.
Not your friends.
Not your country.
Not your football or basketball team.
Not your school.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A trip on a train

Today I took a trip on a train.  I’m going to visit some friends in Charlotte, and the only way for me to get there is on this train.  Its so wonderful.  So quiet, so romantic.  I feel like I’m travelling across Europe on a grand adventure.  What a great way to get around.

I was sitting in my train seat reading my book, and I looked out the window just as I had done many other times throughout my trip.  This time something caught my attention.  My hands involuntarily fell to my lap along with my book and my head sat back in the seat.  These towns.  This countryside.  This place.  It is so beautiful.  I marveled at the thrilling simplicity that God creates even through man-made structures.  The small country houses left me dreaming.  The slow dirt roads left me imagining.  I love how the Lord can amaze me just by averting my attention to what is right outside my window.

Monday, July 26, 2010

That's Right

I've been having lots of doubts lately.  All of them have to do with where I am in my life right now.  I wasn't quite sure that I was supposed to be at school where I am and in Young Life where I am.  I've been asking God for something more than a feeling.  For something concrete that I can see and feel.  Something that can show me that this is exactly where I should be and that I've made no mistake in my attempts to obey Him.

This weekend I've been visiting in the area where I go to school and do Young Life.  Last night I got that confirmation.  It was almost literally a huge "thumbs up" from God.  It was so real, and I felt it so strongly and was so obviously convicted to be here that there is no mistaking that this is the sign I was asking for.  I missed this place.  This is just where I need to be and I pray that God would bless my time here and that not a second would be wasted while I'm here doing His work.

*picture taken by: Dr. Pattnaik*

Friday, July 23, 2010

That Moment

There are those moments.
The ones you anticipate and yearn for.  The ones that overwhelm you and give you butterflies.  The ones that come and go incredibly too quickly.  The ones that leave you breathless.  The ones that catch you by surprise.

Then there is that moment.
The one that is a mystery.  The moment that isn't just overwhelming, but indescribable.  The revelation moment.  The epiphany moment.  The moment that you realize how huge He is and how tiny you are.

God is so good.  He is so incredible to give us these inlets into who He really is.  Not only does He give us His word, but He gives us the Holy Spirit who gives us that moment.  He gives us the moment when we realize who the Lord truly is.

I want to be so much more in love than I am.  I've been falling for my gracious Father again and again, harder and harder these past few weeks.  My only desire is to fall harder and farther.  I want to be so lost in Him that a person can't see me without seeing Him first.  I want to be so occupied with His mission and His will that my worldly mission and desires absolutely disappear.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Get My Priorities Straight

There are so many things I could say right now.  None of them are as important as me leaving my computer to spend time with my Lord Jesus Christ.


Friday, June 4, 2010

Be My List

I'm much too competitive for my own good.
It can cause problems quite often.

I want to keep everything for myself.  I want to win everything, have everything, have all the attention, and enjoy all the perks.  I'm so obsessed with myself.  My eyes are so off-focus.  The LORD is the one who deserves my attention.  Not guys.  Not friends.  Not work.  Not my family.  Not my swimmers.  Not my chores.  Not my beauty.  Not my concerns.  Not my competition.  Not my life at all.  Everything comes along with looking to the Lord.  I shouldn't have prioritIES.  I have ONE priority, and His name is Adonai.  All the other things in life that are important for life on this earth will come along with my attention to Him.  Seek Ye FIRST the Kingdom of God!
I don't want to have a list; I want you to BE my list, Father.

 I can't keep owning everything.  What the Lord gave me is His always because I gave it back to Him.  I need to make a daily sacrifice to give everything to Him.

Bless my heart, Father.

*picture taken by: U.S. National Archives*

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Music Therapy

Music therapy is a very cool thing.
Some who can't talk can sing.
Some who can't see can play.
Some who can't hear can write and create.

Sometimes a stroke victim who has lost his or her speaking ability can sing, or can be coached to speak through singing.
There is an incredible woman percussionist who can't hear, but can feel the sound.
Many who can't see a thing can play the piano or guitar etc. incredibly well because they have a more acute sense of hearing.

Seriously, check it out at this website its so cool.

*picture taken by: Maggy Beunaventura*

Friday, May 28, 2010

Thick Skin is Like Armor

Thick skin is like armor.  You shouldn't wear it if you're not in battle.

Thick skin can be a good thing when it comes to protecting yourself and keeping your heart and mind and spirit pure.  But if someone was to wear that armor all the time then they would never see or experience the world in the way God intended.  A suit of metal would never allow a person to feel the tenderness of the touch of someone who loves them, be it the man of woman they love or their family or friends or the Lord.
You should never guard yourself from the man or woman who loves you. Why would you want to miss out on the tenderness of his or her fingers on your cheek and the yearning of his or her heart and the tear falling over his or her cheek for the love and desperation that he or she feels for you?  That is love.  Love is not scary, and it does not call for any defenses.  Love is the absence of defenses.  Love is beautiful.  Love is only scary if you let it scare you or if you let yourself believe that this person will fall out of love with you or if you never let yourself love back because you don't want to be hurt again.  If someone loves you they will not take a sword up against you, they will take up tenderness and affection.  They take up a desire in their spirit to strive for something better along side you.
The Lord will most likely speak to you with a tender voice or a gentle whisper, not a loud booming voice.  You must let your heart be permeable to Him.  You can't keep it locked "safely" behind iron doors.  You must open yourself.  Be receptive to Him.  Yes "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23), but in Phillipians 4:7 it says that "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  You never guard your heart FROM Christ, you always guard it IN Christ.  He will always protect it.  The best place to leave it is with Him.

Thick skin is a good thing when you are in battle.  Put on your thick skin when you are up against the devil, but just keep in mind that the only way you have effective armor is in the Lord and through His Word.  Keep your thick skin God-centered.  "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23a.  That is the only "thick skin" or armor that will stand up against an attack from the devil, the defenses you yourself can come up with will only fail.  And not only will they fail, but the devil will convince you that you didn't fail.

Its funny how I write so much and yet everything ALWAYS comes back to keeping your eyes fixed on the Lord. "But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge -- do not give me over to death." Psalm 141:8.

*picture taken by: marfis75*

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I Was Drowning

What makes me better than anyone else?
Yes, I'm saved.
Yes, I know I'll be going to heaven when I die.
Yes, I have a heavenly Father who loves me and is powerful above all things.
Yes, I have been changed by the Holy Spirit.
But what does ANY of that have to do with what I have done?
I was dead, already done and drowned at the bottom of the ocean.  The Lord pulled me up, revived me, and gave me a life better than the one I had before.  The only reason that can happen is because of who the Lord is.  I did absolutely nothing to deserve it, in fact, I did everything to deserve the exact opposite.

Who am I to think I am any better than people because of my Lord?  That is giving Him a bad name.  I am no better than anyone else.  I'm probably worse.

I'm sorry for looking down on the people you've created, Lord.  I'm sorry for ever thinking that I am good enough to do anything for myself.  You are my source of life, the only reason I can breathe.  You give me the strength I need to open my eyes every morning and get out of bed.  You heal my heart, and you refill it when someone has broken it and spilled everything out.  You have taken all of my filth away.  You took it and put it on yourself.  You have made me perfect in your eyes.  None of this is from myself.  Everything I am is because of who you are IN me.

I am so unworthy of Your name. Christian.

*picture taken by: alibubba*

Monday, May 24, 2010

"P" Day

Mmm. I'm having a day with mom. :) Its wonderful. Preschoolers, Panera Bread, and picking up the now-fixed car.

They all start with "p."

Its a "p" day.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Class of 2010

Graduation. Wow.
Its so crazy how fast people grow up.  People I knew when they were in 2nd grade are now graduating from high school going on to college.
Anytime I think about how everyone is growing up and going off to build their lives I think about how fast everything in my life has gone by.  Its crazy that my high school graduation was 2 years ago, but it feels so recently.  Even my first day of high school and moving to North Carolina seem so recent.  The last few years have gone by so quickly.  "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.  You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." --James 4:14.

I was so glad to be able to celebrate with my friends, and I can't wait to spend the summer with them.
Congratulations to you Daryl, Rebecca, Katherine, Courtney, Rachel, and Anna.  You are incredible girls and I can't wait to see where the Lord leads you in life.

*picture taken by: Lowry Lou*

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Speak Up!

Most people do not enjoy when others are outspoken. No matter what it is.
I would say that my views in the world would make me a conservative. I think that the world should be taken care of, but I don't devote my every moment to saving it. I am also a devoted daughter of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Now it is expected that I would not love the moments when a view that I disagree with is being declared proudly in my presence, but even when someone is too outspoken about views I do agree with, I'm a little bit annoyed at that. When someone is entirely consumed with saving the world one tree at a time, or go green, think green, act green (whatever it might be) I want to say something. The saddest thing of all is that even when someone is too outspoken about their faith, it bothers me. How horrible am I? I should be cheering them on.

I think the reason that I get so miffed at moments like this is that I can't be that way myself. I wish I was outgoing and outspoken about my faith and my views, but it's hard for me and I don't do it. So when someone else comes along and is very outspoken, I react by being annoyed because that is the easiest way for me to deal with my jealousy.

I can't fault others for speaking up about what they believe in. I can be proud of the ones who do speak up, and I can speak up on my own behalf.

*picture taken by: Little Miss Sunshine*

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Animals born into captivity know nothing of life but captivity. Their nature is to be wild, but they've never actually experienced it so they never know how truly satisfying it is. Their lifestyle doesn't quite match up with their nature, but they never understand their nature to live that way. When an animal raised in captivity is offered release, often times it is scared. It is hesitant to take the freedom it is being offered because it is new and it's a change and it's scary. So it stays. It doesn't take the freedom that it is being offered despite the fact that its nature is to be free.

I think people are like that.
Everyone is born into captivity (Romans 3:23 -- For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God). Everyone is a sinner. We're born that way. But we're also born with the nature of being like God (Genesis 9:6 -- for in the imagine of God has God made man). Our nature contradicts our lifestyle. We're made to be free as citizens of the kingdom of heaven. But too many people are scared of that. Too many people don't understand the satisfaction and pleasure of being free in Christ. It's not just a set of rules to follow. I can say from first hand experience that obeying the law of the Lord is an absolute delight and has made my life much easier than the times when I failed to follow the law of the Lord.
America is called the "Land of the Free." Many people in America are American citizens. They are attached to the country because of their citizenship, but that does not mean that they aren't free. They are, in fact, more free than they would be in almost any other country. They are still citizens. Citizenship in the kingdom of heaven is the same thing. Pleasing the Lord is a delight and a privilege, and citizenship in his kingdom isn't a surrender of freedom, it is exactly the opposite.

Don't be afraid of the freedom that the Lord is offering you because it looks scary and unknown. Take it! It's true! It's really freedom. It is a far cry from "another list of rules." Being a citizen in the kingdom of heaven is a privilege, a delight, an honor, and a freedom.

*picture taken by: The Visions of Kai*

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

the world needs more kids as adorable as this.

God is so much more.

I am the most humany human in existance.
I want out of myself!
I want to get away from the prison that is my body.
I am so tired of letting my humanness and my physicalness hold me back.
I want my heart to take over.
I want to be bold.
I want to do things that aren't quite so typical.
I want to break away from the expectations that the world has for me.
I want to do things because I know that the Lord has them for me.
I want to stop being so scared of being radical.
I want to stop letting myself rule out certain possibilities because they are "too crazy."

God is so much bigger than this!
God is so much better than this.
God can make me so so so small and that is exactly what my heart desires.
God can take me away from myself when I'm with him because He's God!
God can get rid of the restraints that I have because of my "humanness."
God can be bold, and he can take over and make me bold.
God does completely atypical things!
God has never conformed to the world's expectations!
God is so far above all of this nonsense.
God can be as crazy as He wants because, He can make absolutely anything work for the better of his glory and His kingdom.

God, make me more like you everyday. And get rid of me. I'm so foolish and so silly. I'm so ready to get away from myself.

*picture taken by: Khalid Ghamdi*

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I Don't Do What I Know

My knowledge often seems to not quite match up with the attitude of my heart.

Here are some things I know:
1. Jesus Christ and his story are the most important things I could ever tell someone.
2. Jesus is more worthy than anything else of my attention and time.
3. Christ is the only thing that keeps me alive.
4. The things of this world are fading and fleeting.
5. Life is short.
6. God thinks I'm the most beautiful thing in the world.

Here are some things I do about it:
1. I pass up some opportunities to tell people this ever-important story.
2. I give my attention and time to myself, friends, boys, and worldly things.
3. I rely on my own capabilities to provide for me and keep me safe and happy.
4. I pursue fortune, beauty, fame, popularity, praise, and approval from the world.
5. I waste my time with things that do nothing to further the Kingdom of Heaven.
6. I look down upon myself and use the expectations of the world to judge myself.

Lord, help me to match my heart with my mind. Show me how to live as I KNOW I should. Teach me how to feel and desire and do the things I know rather than only know them.

Make me less.

*picture taken by: ^i^heavensdarkangel2*

Friday, May 14, 2010

I do, I do..

I love Jesus :)

My Unknown Thirst

"As the Samaritan woman [in John 4:7-26] discovered, it doesn’t matter how many times we may try to rearrange our relationships and reorder our lives. Until we find relief for the soul, everything else will be nothing more than a distraction—a very temporary one at that—from our fundamental craving for living water.

Most of us haven't gone through five spouses, but we have gone through jobs, five moves, five weight-loss programs, or five churches -- and still the insatiable thirst continues. We will never find what we are looking for in the things we pick up along the way. Not even the religious things. Not even important things like relationships. All of these things will leave our souls empty if we try to force them to satisfy our thirst. The true object of our search is nothing less than an encounter with the Holy One."

-M. Craig Barnes -- Sacred Thirst

I think that a lot of times people will read something like this and think, Thank goodness thats not me. It would be terrible to not have my life together like I do. When in reality they are the most thirsty. People who don't believe in the Lord may also feel that way. Thinking wow, I'm glad I don't believe like these people do, they must be miserable. Thats not how it works. If at any point in my life I don't feel the thirst it is because I am denying is there because I want so badly to be satisfied by these earthly things that are so momentarily enjoyable. I was there for a long time. Thinking everything was fine because I was momentarily enjoying myself in earthly pleasures. God wants us to delight in him. He's there, waiting for us to come drink him in.

Oh how horribly mistaken I was.

Thank you, Father for showing me my thirst. I'd rather be thirsty for You and striving for more of You than falsely satisfied in the world.

*picture taken by: Cristiano Pecanha*

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I Long For You

Father, you are better than all of this. You are above everything. I cannot mess up your plan no matter how hard I try. I long for the joy that I used to have in You. I long to feel your control and your power like I used to. I so desire a feeling of assuredness that You do not fail. I have been relying on myself for so long. That is so foolish! I know I am not reliable, so what am I thinking depending on myself for hope.

You are the giver of all hope.
You are the giver of all life.
You are the maker of me.
You know my every thought.
You are the lover of my soul.

I don't deserve You.
Thank you.

*picture taken by: Jade M. Sheldon*

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

He will...

My husband will love me and care about me and love the Lord and he will be able to forgive me for not saving some things for him. He is going to be wonderful. He is going to love the Lord with all of his life. He is going to motivate me to love the Lord more, and invest in my relationship with the Lord. He is going to be my love, and my best friend. I'll look to him, and I'll confide in him. He'll joke around with me, and laugh with me. He'll look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. He'll hold me as if I could break. He'll think I'm precious and I'll be so special to him. We will honor the Lord with our lives and our time and our money and our words and our actions.
I can't wait.

time for something new

I'm here. It feels surreal. I can't believe its over. I will never ever forget this school year. I almost hope I will in some ways. I've never been through so much in 8 months.

I remember going back to school in August so sure and excited about how things would happen. I knew that I was over him, and I was even moving on. But that conviction didn't last long. I fell all over again and it only took one second, literally.
I had so many firsts. My first recital. My first time playing guitar for people. My first C, unfortunately. My first "hit" song. :) My first apartment. My first cooking lesson. My first surprise birthday party. My first boyfriend. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first breakup. My first (and second and third and fourth) forever goodbye.
And now the next time all those things come around they'll be my seconds. I wish that wasn't how it had to be. I wish I still had a lot of those firsts to come. I wish I hadn't given so much of my heart away and I wish I still had my first love and first kiss and first boyfriend to give to someone who loves me and plans to marry me.
Time goes on, though, and I have to move on with it. Not ahead of it waiting for tomorrow to bring my hopes along; not lagging behind looking around at the memories of my yesterdays, but with it. Looking at each day as it is. Where am I right now? I have to see today to have memories tomorrow.
Hearts will heal, and I can forgive myself.
I'm home. I'm here. Now is the time for something new.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

a good conversation

There’s nothing I appreciate more than a good conversation. I absolutely adore talking to people I love. I love the moment where I just know that the person I’m talking to said something special to me that they don’t really tell too many people. I love opening up to people. I love being honest and vulnerable with people. I love letting people know that I trust them. I love staying up all night when I had planned on going to bed at eleven. The feeling of saying goodbye after a great conversation is never sad for me, it is fulfilling. It is completing. I love how God gave me this love and enjoyment in conversation, and I pray that I will use it for his glory. He deserves it, after all.

Monday, May 3, 2010


Its never hurt so bad to say goodbye. I've never really had to do this. Say goodbye to people that I might not ever see again. And if I do see them again, I don't know when and it could only be once or twice. The first and probably hardest goodbye was 4 days ago. Precisely 3 days 23 hours and about 15 minutes ago. I have one more goodbye today, and, depending on circumstances, either one or 4 goodbyes tomorrow. I can't do this. It just feel like everything should be so different than it is. I really don't want this school year to end. I hate change.

Friday, April 30, 2010

I'm better for the time we spent together

And I bless the day I met you,
And I thanks God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on.
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together,
And the bad news is you're gone.

Thank you Diamond Rio for a perfect way of explaining how I feel. This is perfect right now.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I'm just gone.

I'm so far lost.
Steep hills, and sharp cliffs.
I'm lame, Father.
Give me legs.
Stop the tears.
Heal my heart.

I don't know what is wrong with me.
I'm just... gone.

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Perfect Moment

I'm having that feeling. The one where nothing seems hopeful. The one where I'm not excited about anything. The one where I just feel sad about every possible way I could spend my time in the near future. I don't want to go to dinner now. I don't want to cook dinner later. I don't want to go to this comedy show tonight. I don't want to hang out with my friends. I don't want to sleep in tomorrow. I'm just sad.

I want to live in a moment of my choosing forever. Personally, I would choose January 12, 2010 around 4:15 pm. The perfect moment.

I want everything in my life to magically come together. I don't want to keep waiting. I don't know whats wrong with me. My life used to feel put together. My life used to feel great. I loved my family, I loved my friends, I didn't have any boy problems to worry about, I was an athlete and I loved it, and I had an amazing church that helped me grow in my faith constantly. What happened to that? I must have been deceived. Life can never be perfectly put together. Life is a process. When I see my Lord, that is when I will feel completely satisfied. That is the perfect moment, and the good news is, I really will live in that moment forever.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I am not good enough

200th post!!

Too bad its going to be super short. Oh well.. I'm about to leave for work (without shoes on!!) TOMS - A Day Without Shoes

God loves me. I don't get it. Like for real. Its been on my mind the past few weeks. God (think about who he is for a second...............................) yeah... him... WOWW!! (I know) That guy.. is crazy in love with me. BUTT not only that... he lets me do stuff. He gives me stuff. He blesses me. I am not good enough to rub his feet, or tie his shoe, or pick up his pencil, or cut his finger nails, or even cut his toe nails. AND YET.. I get to talk to people about him and basically be like... his rep on earth. Gosh. I fail at that a lot. I'm sorry, Father. I don't really understand why you'd ask someone so incompetent to help you do something like this. But thank you.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I can't think of a good title

It’s just about impossible for me to imagine how my life got this far from where it was just 3 months ago. I was so determined. So set in how everything would work. I was following the Lord. I was caught up in his plan for my life. I was passionate about letting him work in my life and letting him set my path instead of taking over and steering things my way. I failed. I wanted to be in so much of a different place right now. I guess I relied too much on myself. I got so determined that I didn’t even think I needed God’s help. I even remember, at one pivotal time, hearing him say something to me. It was so clear what he wanted me to do. Instead I stayed still because it was the easy thing to do. It would be more difficult to get up and do what he wanted me to do, so I just sat there. I let my life get this way. I put my heart in this situation and condition. How could I be so stupid? How could I be such a hypocrite, Father? I’m sorry for failing you time and time again. I’m sorry for not doing something hard sooner. A friend once told me that a good motto to have in life is simply, “Do hard things.” It’s true. Most of the right things are harder. Most things that are holy and good and godly are hard and seem like the opposite of everyone else because we live in the world and the world leads us down the easy, wide, and sinful path. God leads us on the narrow, godly, sometimes difficult path.

Life is a steep mountain. We are the climbers. Heaven is the beautiful, breath-taking mountain top.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

God thought of it all first

People credit other people for the beauty of man-made landscapes. They credit architects for the beauty of an intricate building. People credit others for creating paintings and writing music.

We wouldn't even consider having ideas like that had it not been for the incredible creation that the Lord gave us.

Landscaping: God made the first lake, and the first tree, and the first bush, and the first blade of grass, and the first flower. No man could create a flower or a tree and I would like to see someone think to dig a big huge hole in the ground and put water in it.

Buildings: God made the first mountain. He formed every rock wall and tall structure on the earth. He put rocks on top of each other where no man would ever think to put them. He is the original architect.

Paintings: You think your pretty little picture of your mom is good? You think a nice picture of something artistic looking is beautiful? You think your oil painting of the mountains is eye-catching? God paints the sky every night and every morning. And there has to yet to be a morning sunrise or evening sunset that I've seen that hasn't taken me aback and demanded my full attention if only for a moment. Every single time I see a sunset or sunrise I must mention it to someone else. I must share the incredible beauty that God has provided for me.

Music: It almost makes me laugh to think about music and how obvious it is that God created it first. God had already created everything about music, we were just figuring it out! Not only did he make the bird and every part of its insides and outside, but he created for the bird a song. And not only did he create a song for the birds, each bird has a different song! And the songs interact to make an even bigger song. And oh how gorgeous it all sounds together. Who has been able to compose something like the songs of the birds that, although it is played every single morning, will never get old or boring. Hearing the birds in the morning will, without fail, make me smile. Oh God, how you've blessed us.

Why? We are so unworthy of the sound of your precious name.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Warning: What you are about to read is confusing, jumbled, and random. Read at your own risk.

The other day I looked in the mirror and thought, "I look better WITHOUT my makeup."
I never thought I'd be at this point.

I'm dumb. I've been messing up a lot. I'm sorry. I feel ashamed even addressing you. I am not worthy to speak your name. But despite my stupidity and shame you've blessed me with the knowledge that I AM beautiful without altering my face. I am beautiful because of who you made me to be and because you shine through me.
I'm so privileged and honored that you chose me to shine through. Please help me. I'm so so horrible and so so not worthy of You.
I can't believe you've chosen me. I honestly have no idea why. I'm so incapable. I'm so disobedient. I'm so sinful. I'm so dumb. I'm so human. You could do all of this yourself, but you let us help out. You give us the blessing of being in a relationship with you and getting to do your work here on earth.
What a blessing, Lord!
Forgive me. Take away my shame. Lift my eyes. Get my head out of this world and into your Spirit. You are a wonderful, loving, omnipotent, perfect, beautiful Father. Oh, God, thank you!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

One of those days.

Today is just one of those days. I've only been awake for about 40 minutes (it was a long and tiring week) and I'm already in a bad mood. I shouldn't feel this way. Its so stupid of me. Its so dumb that something so simple, and so (most likely) innocent would make me this way.

God, where are you? I don't understand why this is happening. I did everything right! I was faithful to you first. What happened?

My heart hurts. I feel like it does that a lot. I don't really like it.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Love and Be Loved

So today I looked at a picture of myself from one of my Lent days where I wasn't wearing makeup. And guess what I thought... "I look pretty in this picture."
WOW! The Lord is changing me, and forming me into his daughter. The one that doesn't need a painted face to feel good. I feel good simply because I have my Jesus. I feel good because there's nothing else that matters more in the world than being with Him. How lucky am I that I get to spend time with the King of kings and the Lord of lords. I get to love and be loved by my creator, sustainer, and life-giver. I get to bask in the heavenly and infinite glory and majesty of the One who let ME (the sinner, deceiver, and rebel) switch places with his perfect, spotless, absolutely 100% wonderful son.

Everyday I realize more how little I deserve all I have.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Look, My Daughter.

Its me. Yeah, me, Katie. The one who fails you, and hurts you, and lies to you, and steals from you, and takes you for granted, and sins against you, and lets you down, and basically punches you in the face every single day. I would say I love you, but that person doesn't sound like someone who's in love with you. I do love you, but I don't understand why I'd do that to someone I love. I can't believe I hurt you that way. I can't believe I'm so evil. Please forgive me, Father. I know you don't have to, but I'm begging you. I'd understand if you didn't want to talk to me, though. I'd understand if you shunned me forever. I'd understand if you turned your back on me and forsook me. I'd understand if you just punched me back. I'd understand if you took back the gifts you've given me. I'd understand if you erased my name from your book. I'd understand if you disowned me as your daughter. I'd understand if you sent me to hell. It'd be okay. It'd be just like anyone else would do. I deserve every punishment you can possibly think of.

Come here, daughter, let me wrap my arms around you. Let me take away everything that holds you back. Look, my daughter, you're clean. You're beautiful. You're perfect. Just like I made you to be. I love you more than anyone on earth could ever imagine loving you. I'm crazy about you, and I will never forsake you.

Praise the Good Lord for who He is.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Thank you...

Thank you, Father, for people who really care about me.

Thank you for things in common.

Thank you for support.

Thank you for people that I can cry to.

Thank you for someone who can support me because they're the only one who understands.

Thank you for your glory.

Thank you for my privilege to come to you personally with my thanks, praises, problems, and sorrows.

Thank you that you can get inside someone's heart and change them completely.

Thank you for the way You pick me up when I fall, hold me when I'm weak, and chase after me when I'm running as fast as I can away from You.

I don't deserve any of this.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I feel pretty today. It may be a combination of things, but I did not expect to feel good about myself so soon in this lent process.

I have the best friends in the world. God gave me so many wonderful people in my life that love me so much and I can't believe I ever complained about it. I can't believe I ever took them for granted or was ever unhappy with my life. I live with one of the best people I could imagine living with, and she is so wonderful and kind and loving to me, I don't deserve it. I know that none of the people I'm talking about really read this, but they are amazing. I've found myself calling school "home" recently. I've never done that, and I'm glad I can finally feel at home here.

Father, you are so good to me. I can't believe I've been running away for so long. I was so dumb, so horrible to you, so rude. I took for granted the best gift in history. Please don't let me do that again.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep

I count on the make-up to cover it all

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I never had any idea how easy it is to see myself in a negative light until recently. Suddenly I find myself trying to please the world and trying to look "beautiful" according to the standards of other people.

I've never participated in the tradition of the 40 days of Lent. This year there was something on my heart that I felt could greatly help my self-image. I decided to not use any makeup for the duration of the Lent holiday. First of all, I need to spend that time that I spent putting on my face in the word. I got to spend just a few more minutes in God's word this morning, and it was wonderful. Second, I don't need makeup to look beautiful. God has made me who I am, and He's made me in His OWN image! I am gorgeous! I have to stop letting people tell me I need to be tanner, or be skinnier, or work out more, or wear tighter clothes, or more revealing tops to be beautiful. A friend of mine put it best by saying: "It's not make up that makes people beautiful. Make up or not, true beauty shines through." The make up isn't a sin. Its not a bad thing unless it is used as a crutch. It is something I need to learn to feel confident without. Real beauty isn't something that can be enhanced with blush, or eye shadow, or mascara. Real beauty will be obvious with or without those things.

Christ makes me beautiful, and he defines my beauty.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Pleasing the Crowd

Wanting to please the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.
-Mark 15:15

This is what I do to my Lord constantly. How could I be so selfish?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

So Typical...

I'm so normal. So average. So run-of-the-mill. So typical.

I want to be more than normal. I want God to take the place of my normalcy. I want Him to wash away any average speck on me. I pray that He would keep me from being run-of-the-mill and typical. I desire that He would take over my life, my love, my hopes, my dreams, my motivations, and everything in between and before and beyond all of that. He's so much better.

"Cause I know there's got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I'm feeling like it's now or never
Can I break the spell of the typical."

--Mute Math

Break the spell of my typical life, Father.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

On or Off

Disclaimer: I am about to sound very stuck-up, very conceited, and extremely self-righteous.

But sometimes I just wish people would quit acting like they love Jesus sometimes. Either get on or off the Jesus wagon. Don't dangle your feet off the back, or run along side, or come find it when you run out of supplies, or hop with one foot off and one foot on. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I mess up constantly, so maybe I'm talking as much to myself as anyone else, but I really want people to just be with Jesus or not.

Yeah, that sounded just as self-righteous as I expected it too. :( Sorry.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Good Outweighs the Bad

Here are some words that describe my heart:

- Delighted
- Joyful
- Love
- Satisfied
- Filled
- Overflowing!
- Relieved
and yet
- Sorry
- Regretful

The good outweighs the bad. Some might call my day not so great. I'd say judging by the way my heart feels at the moment... it was a good day.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

They're Colorful

There are some words in my head that want to come out. But they aren't really words, just feelings or pictures. But I can't really see the pictures very well. There we go, there are some blurry pictures in my head that want to be words, but I can't interpret them quite yet. I know they're colorful and there's more than one. Maybe two or three pictures. They're beautiful I'm sure. I'll let you know when I can see them clearly.

All I know right now is God is good and great and wonderful and incredible. And He loves me, for some odd reason.

Praise the Lord.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Love is Patient... Who Knew?

I've learned more in the past few months about loving people and caring for them than I've learned in the span of my entire life. I've learned how to care about someone when thats the last thing I want to do. I've learned how to be selfless in the love and care that I show someone. I've learned how to put up with their mistakes because "love is patient." I've learned how to love like Christ by not minding when someone does something wrong. I've realized that if its hard for me to remain patient and loving through all of this, then I can't imagine how Christ felt when people treated him so badly and took advantage of the fact that he loved them, and how God feels when I do something wrong, ask for forgiveness, and then just do it all over again. He doesn't even experience that with just one person, he experiences it with billions.

Forgive me Father for hurting you every time I lie, steal, cheat, hurt someone, curse you, am unfaithful, and for all the other uncountable ways I hurt you. I don't know how to be perfect and I am clueless as to how to please you in every way. Show me, Lord.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I keep my guard up. Sometimes I regret it.

Life is confusing.

Little Girl

I am such a silly girl.

Lord, don't let me be such a silly little girl all the time.

Monday, January 11, 2010


People make mistakes
They fail you more and you can hardly take
The inconsistency that they provide
But I have someone else who is better

When no one is there, you surround me.
When I need someone to cry on, you are sitting right beside me
And my prayers always reach to your ears
You say, daughter, i am pleased, i am here.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


And so here we are. Back at school. I am so glad to be back. I missed this place. Its my second home. I'm looking forward to classes and friends and Young Life.

This going to be an educational semester, in every sense of the word and in every aspect of life. I'm going to have a hard time. Its ok to spontaneously cry, right?

I was born without a body...

My name is Billy Evans.

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know.
Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with Disney World and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.
Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You, Billy "Smiley" Evans

Monday, January 4, 2010

Oh God, Thank you for Being God!

God is so good.

I mess up.

He uses me.

Despite my blatant disregard to his obvious will for my life.

I do not deserve to have a Father like that.

Your strength, my wonderful Savior Jesus, is made perfect in my weakness.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 2:9-10

Praise the Lord.