Thursday, December 31, 2009

And So Begins the Night

Nope there is no way I can do this. I cannot go there. I cannot act happy when I'm torn apart inside.
"We can't go," I say as she finishes her sandwich, "I can't hold myself up."
"This is your best chance. I'll be there for you." She tells me, reassuring me that I have her to lean on.
As we finish our dinner and begin to find clothes suitable for public appearance, I cannot help but keep thinking about how I'll feel once we get there. I'll feel scared, out of place, unsure, and torn. But I know that this really is the best time for me to go. At least I'll have her there with me.
So we leave. We say goodbye to my wonderful roommates and they wish us well and give me words of reassurance. We open the door and I am feeling better. I have people behind me, and not only that I have the steadfast and unyielding love and support of my Lord Jesus Christ holding my hand. What could be better than that?
We make our way down the first stretch of sidewalk. With each step I take I count the blocks of cement. I am distracted for a moment until I realize where my feet are taking me. What am I doing? Why do I even have to do this? What am I supposed to say? Wait, stop. Everything will be fine. I do my best to gather my thoughts once again and I focus on the incredibly wonderful and resolute friend I have walking beside me. She smiles in my direction, and I feel consoled. As we make the turn to walk behind the second building and up my street I am sure that it will all be fine. It won't be normal, but I am a strong woman of God. I have the power of the universe on my side, nothing can defeat me. We come to turn beside the library and we enter the quad. No. This is it. The last stretch. I don't want to do this. I never wanted to do this. I just want it to all be back to normal. If its not normal I don't want it. I can't stand strong when all I want to do is fall. My knees start to shake and I'm sure that I am going to fall. There is no way I can carry myself any further. But my feet keep moving. My legs keep picking up and setting down and my body moves forward. Now we are past the quad and we turn onto the sidewalk that faces the building. His building. My heart is pounding and my knees keep shaking. I then realize that this entire walk has been in silence.
I turn to her and say, "This is crazy. I'm going to fall apart. I'll go back, you go visit. I can't do this."
She stops, looks at me, and says, "You are more than this. God is more than this. Life will go on whether you want to go with it or not. I've never known anyone more determined than you, and I know without a doubt that you are capable of getting through tonight."
She turns away, takes my hand, and holds it tight as she leads me, shaking hands, knocking knees, pounding heart and all, to the building. We step onto the first stair. Then the second. Then the third. Before long I lose count and we're suddenly at the top. There it is. The window. His window. And his door. As she continues to hold my hand she turns to me and hugs me tight. The kind of hug only she can give. She then knocks twice on the door and proceeds to turn the knob. After what seems like an eternity she sees the people inside and smiles wide. My eyes quickly dash across the room to find him. He sits on the couch. Looking so incredibly worn. I quickly avert my gaze to avoid eye contact, but my heart feels as though it is going to come through my chest. I can hear each pump of blood in my ears and I can feel my knees being to give under the weight of my body. My hands are noticeably shaking and I'm sure everyone can see my chest beating up and down in rhythm with my heart. My friend proceeds to greet them with hugs. After each person hugs her they move past to me. The first is a friend I've known to be more helpful than most people know, especially in the times when his friends need him. He smiles at me, and holds me for a moment. Then comes the next. He is a friend who was with me through everything. Supporting me and helping me every single day of my hurt. He gives me a look only I can see and says hello in the most caring tone he can possibly produce. Then he is there. To avoid any awkward confrontation I move to hug him before any palpable pause can be noticed. We pull away and he immediately turns to sit down again. The jokes and laughter begin while small talk is contrived in side exchanges.

And so begins the night.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm a confusing person..

Its funny how one day you can look at a picture and smile and just be filled with this indescribable kind of joy and the next day you look at the same picture and only want to cry. One day's laugh is the next day's wail, and one day's love is the next day's desperation.

I learned something in the past 3 days:

Guard your heart because it is precious, and someday you'll give it to a man who will truly love you and long to spend his life with you. You don't want to give him a broken one. So keep it safe.

Friday, December 25, 2009

happy times..

Summer campfires. Guitar playing softly while some sing along. Marshmallows. Best friends. Shorts and t-shirts.

I could use some happy times.



When it started we had high hopes;
now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes...
When it started we were alright,
but night makes a fool of us in daylight.

There we were dying of frustration,
saying, "Lord lead me not into temptation."
But it's not easy when she turns you on...
since they've gone.

If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows I'm trying my best,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.

So up they picked me by the big toe;
I was held from the rooftop, then they let it go.
If there's any screaming let the windows down,
as I crawl to the ground.

If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows she won't let me rest,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.
I've become so tired of this loneliness

Thursday, December 24, 2009


Words don't want to come out of me today.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

He Doesn't Disappoint

Yeah, anytime I ever tried to write for anyone else, I was being stupid. Anytime I ever did anything for anyone other than Christ I was stupid. He's the only thing in this world that won't leave me and won't hurt me and won't break my heart. He heals my heart. He doesn't ever tell me he just doesn't love me anymore. He will never love me any less than he always has. He doesn't disappoint. He satisfies. He doesn't get in a bad mood. He's constant. He doesn't hurt me so bad I cry. He holds me under his wing and he gives me tears of joy and praise. He doesn't leave me. He said that he won't ever leave or forsake me. He doesn't sin. He's perfect. He doesn't insult me. I am his beautiful child. He doesn't make me feel less than I am. He lifts me up and raises me so I can stand on mountains.

Humans disappoint, God never will.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I Used to Write for Myself

I used to write for myself. To get things off of my chest or to express some happiness in my life. But now I write for other people. I guess thats why I hate it, because I'm writing it for other people, but no one reads it and I want them to.


I'm really starting to hate this blog.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Words Couldn't Express

Yesterday I was writing a letter to someone and before I wrote it I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew what feeling I wanted to portray in the letter, and although I hadn't thought it out word for word I knew what it was that I wanted to end up being written on my paper. At the end I read it again thinking that I would be completely satisfied with what I'd said. After I'd gone over the letter again I couldn't help but think that it wasn't right. Like there was something that I needed to say that I didn't have words for. I let it go, deciding to rewrite the letter later. I went to do my devotions and one of the passages I was reading that night was Romans 8:18-27 and verse 26 seemed to perfectly describe my feelings about the letter. It says:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

I guess thats exactly how I felt. I wanted to say something, and I did feel like the Spirit had something He wanted me to say, but words really couldn't express it.

Its so cool how God works His word into our lives in practical ways.

*picture taken by: Paul L McCord Jr*