Sunday, May 31, 2009

The rest of the world

Wow, this is my second blog within the day.  Crazy!!! That never happens.

Well, I was just sitting in my room, listening to my parent's cell group singing downstairs, and I was looking out the window.  It was weird. Looking at the outside world, but hearing my family and their friends praising the Lord in our home.  I started to think about how cool it is that they meet every week together as friends to praise God.  They are sitting there lifting up the name of the Lord most high while the world goes on.  People may drive by, walk by, run by, bike by, skateboard by, and never truly understand what is going on in the house they are passing.  They are passing a house in which the presence of God dwells.  They are passing by one of the most beautiful sights ever beheld by the eye of a man.  They are passing by the presence of the God who created them, and gives them life.  

It is just really cool to think about whats going on in the rest of the world while we are praising the everlasting Father.  Its kind of sad to think about all those people that are missing out on the most incredible and indescribable and wonderful experiences of their life.

They are missing out on their purpose.

Person I love most in the world...

It is really hard when the person you love most in the world loves someone else most.  Someone who's most love should be you. Someone who acts like you are, someone who talks like you are, but never really says that you are the person they love most. Someone like that.  I love her most. More than any other person I know. But she loves someone else most. She has someone else who she thinks understands her most. She has someone else who she wants to spend time with more than me. She has someone else who she laughs with more. I don't dislike the other person, it just hurts to see her say that the other person is the one who understands her more than any other person on this earth.  I know thats jealousy, but I can't help it. I want to understand her. I do understand her. But she doesn't seem to think so, obviously. I wish I was better than I am at understanding her.

I'm never who I want to be in anyone's life. Once again,  I sound depressed, but I write when I'm sad, so unfortunately, those who read this get the short end of my emotional rollercoaster. 

This just sucks sometimes.
*picture taken by: AdamBaron*

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Everything means so much more than it used to...

There is so much to say.  I'm back.  Up and running.  I lost it.  I was so far gone, I couldn't find myself, but I'm back.  I really am.  And it is the best feeling that I could ever imagine.  I love the Lord.  He's amazing.  There aren't words, and that is what is really annoying about languages. No matter what words I use, in however many languages I can find, in as many dialects as are in existance, I cannot tell you how I feel.  I feel found.  I feel a sense of understanding.  I feel renewed.  I feel loved. I feel warm.  

You know how when you go to the pool and it feels great, but then you put your clothes on and wet clothes do not feel great, and then you go home and feel so out of place because you have a bathing suit and wet clothes on and you can't sit down anywhere?  Well, I was sitting in my house in wet clothes for way too long.  You know how it feels when you take a shower, dry off, brush your hair, and put all new clothes on and sit on your couch with a big pillow, a bowl of ice cream, the universal remote, and someone absolutely incredible holding you safely in their arms?  Well thats how I feel now.  

I just did a lesson from a Beth Moore bible study and she was talking about a demon-posessed man that Jesus healed.  She was saying how he is now sitting at the feet of the Lord and he is clothed and clean now.  He has a new master.  That picture makes me feel warm.  I love that he's sitting at the feet of Jesus.  There is that song "down at your feet oh Lord, is the most high place."  Well, thats definitely true, but I don't feel proud when I'm at his feet.  I feel incredible humbled, but comfortable and content at the same time.  I wouldn't rather be anywhere else.  I love that feeling.

See, I'm trying to express this feeling I'm having and its not working at all!  

There is something else too.

God seeks us.
WHY!? Why would a perfect, almighty, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, God of the godless Lord want me?  I have nothing to offer.  I don't even do my best most of the time.  I don't do all I can, but he SEEKS me!  He wants me.  I've never understood what it meant to be found, but now I do.  I never understood what it meant for God to seek me, but now I do.  I never understood God the way I do now.  

I've gone through some things I didn't really want to have to go through.  Situations that I had to deal with that I could have prevented.  But its funny that God used those nasty situations in my life to make me better.  I made mistakes; He made me better.  I failed time and time again; He made me better.  I did not listen to Him; He made me better.  I ignored His warnings; He made me better.  

I love these new feelings I'm having.
*picture taken by: knittinging*

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Unexpected Blessing

You are creative and talented and will write a song about memories in your life. Music is important and some songs can relate to your life and how you're feeling. You have no regrets, and when you have a bad day, the simplest things make you smile. You're an all around fun loving person.

I took the "What Taylor Swift Song are You?" quiz on facebook today, and that is what it told me. I like it. Next time I'm sad I'm going to take a facebook quiz.
*picture taken by: Beautiful;;Brunette*

Thursday, May 21, 2009

WAIT! STOP! Read and comment. PLEASE!

PLEASE HELP ME!  All I need you to do is dig deep down to the bottom of your heart and tell me an analogy that has to do with being impure for your husband.  

I have two so far:

-A rose without petals
-A heart broken in pieces

ok.. get it?  Hopefully.  Let me know if you have ideas.  That would be incredible.  Give me as many as you can think of.  Sweet.  I hope someone actually reads this.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Absorbed in You

Everytime I sit down to write nothing comes to mind.  I want so badly to unload myself by writing about something, but whatever it is that is pushing me down doesn't want me to know what it is.  But I feel so down.  Some people reading this might think that I'm down for a certain reason, but I can assure you that I'm over that, I'm doing much better, its not making me sad anymore.  I just wish I could figure out what to do to keep myself from feeling so crappy right now.  

Maybe I'm not spending enough time in the word.  Maybe I'm not giving everything over to God.  Maybe I've been to absorbed in myself to see what is going on around me.  I need to get out of this trance.  I need to get back to the real world, where there are people who need Christ, friends who need support, a family who needs a sister and a daughter, and a God who wants me to invest in Him.  

I can't keep thinking that everything is ok because when I'm alone, without other people to make me smile, I am unhappy.  When I am alone nothing feels right.  When I am alone I realize that I am not the person who I want to be. 

I'm so sick of feeling so far away from God.  He's been 10 billion miles away lately, and I don't know where to go without Him.  I need him beside me.  I need to know that He's here.  I need to be absorbed in Him, not in myself.  

Lord, bless me with a heart that only desires to be absorbed in You.
pictures taken by:mark78_xpjamelahbetebete inside_man

Friday, May 15, 2009

I miss a lot of things

Even when everyone else is around,
I only see you, I only see you.
It is so loud but I can't hear a sound,
I only hear you, I only hear you.
Your words fill my head.
Your face fills my soul.
And all I want to do is love you.

This chorus really has nothing to do with anything I'm feeling right now.  I just wanted an excuse to post something. I miss writing.  I miss a lot of things that I don't do very often anymore.  I miss a lot of people that I don't see often anymore.  I miss a lot of feelings that I don't get very often anymore.  I'll need to be fixing these problems.

I love you.
pictures taken by: Marron Glace

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Stuck on Myself

I was going to write something in here tonight, but not even halfway through it I realized how stupid I sounded.  I have been so stuck on myself lately.  So absorbed in what I want, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what I need, what I said, who wants to be with me, who is my friend.  How does someone who claims to be so "unstuck" on herself end up becoming just the opposite and never noticing it?  I found out today that someone who I thought "had their eye on me" for most of last semester, really wanted me to realize just the opposite.  When I found out about this,  I thought something like, "Does nobody want me?" How selfish is that? Who am I kidding? There are plenty of people who want to be with me and love me very  much.  Just because some stupid guy doesn't have feelings for me anymore doesn't mean I don't have an entire army of people who are standing behind me, holding me steady with the love they give to me.  I also have a heavenly Father who loves me beyond compare. There is no one that has lived, is living, or will live that could love like he does.  I should need nothing else.  And right now thats all I'm standing on, really.  

But now I just need to love Him back.
picture taken by: jspad

Monday, May 4, 2009

Empty White Walls.

This is what I have right now:
1. My computer.
2. Some clothes. (enough until tomorrow)
3. My bedding
4. Shower stuff.
5. Some food.

That is all that is in this room.  It echoes in here.  Everything is the same color, cream, and both of the other matresses are empty.  I hate sitting in here at night.  I feel lonely enough right now, but last night was horrible.  I was taking a shower and when I got back in my room, I couldn't stop crying.  Without all of the distractions I couldn't help but think about the people I already missed and the people I would miss even more very soon.  I still can't help but think about it.  It kills me.  I called one of my friends who had already left to have some company, but for the first 15 or 20 minutes of our conversation all I wanted to do was cry.  For how much I missed him, for how much I missed Kim, for how much I am going to miss Brooke.  For how much I'm going to miss everyone else here.  It kills me.  It is so much easier to take my mind off of things when I have other things around to keep my occupied.  Right now all I have to keep me occupied is some material I need to study, my computer and these white walls.  Empty white walls.  They make me cry.

I think I'll paint them green.
picture taken by: 4ndre Solli