Monday, November 24, 2008

Goodnight Kisses

Tonight was one of those nights when all I really wanted was my mom to come up behind me and rub my back. My sister to be there to talk to, and my Dad to kiss goodnight. I miss them so badly and thinking about it now makes me want to cry. I can't wait to see you guys! The most likely reason I was so eager to have all this was probably because there were some very low points to my day and I was sooooo busy I couldn't breathe and I feel like I'm about to get sick. I just want someone to scratch my back and kiss me goodnight. You know I haven't had a goodnight kiss since I've been home. Little things start to pile up on you when you're away from home. I never thought I would miss something like that, but I do.

I just want them here.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Little Things

It really is the little things that make my heart jump. The gentle hello, the playfulness communicated by playing with my hair, talking to me across the room with your eyes, wanting to be the last one I say goodbye to, or the way you can tell me so much by the way you hug me. It amazes me all the little things you can do to make my stomach turn over. This all sounds so stupid, but maybe I am stupid. I don't really care.

I like it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Good Old Days

So I was reading my old xanga site. Which was quite interesting I must say. I kind of miss those days. It was just me letting people know my heart. How I felt that day, what I did, where I was emotionally. I was crazy about my faith and I didn't have to be so formal about it as I feel like I have to do now. Let's stop that. God freaking rocks! His love for me is more concrete than this computer I'm typing on right now.

Anyway, I was reading those posts, and I realized that each post had something to do with prayer, or how God did something in my life that day. Not necessarily that I have this great philosophical idea or this amazing thought, but just that God was present in my life that day. I miss feeling like that. Can I have it back, please?


(Oh, and if you want to see my old xanga site, ask me because its pretty funny)

All Hell Quakes

All hell doth at his presence quake,
Though he himself for cold do shake.

Sometimes when things are written in an odd language it takes a while for me to absord them fully. That definitely applies here.

Baby Jesus. Lying helplessly in the straw. Shivering and sneezing from the cold. He is naked save a small blanket wrapped around his tiny body. He looks like any other baby. There is no shining light coming from him, no magic look about him, nothing spectacularly obvious. His face is scrunched up, he cries for his mother, he gets hungry. As a human he just as helpless as any other infant. How silly it would be for me to go up to a newborn baby, announce that he is King of kings, and then bow down before him. It seems a silly picture in my mind, yet this is exactly what the people around him realize. This is God in human form. This is no ordinary child, this is our Lord. The spirit inside of this child created the universe. The devil and his demons fear this child, they know of his power. They understand that this is God, and they tremble at the thought of it. Hell quakes at his presence. Yet, he shivers because the night is cold. He cries because he is tired and hungry. He is both helpless and almighty at once.

Humans must be pretty dense to miss that.

Monday, November 17, 2008


I this I that I...I...I

I am so obsessed with MYself. What is going on with ME. What I am worried about. What is wrong with MY life.

I was frustrated because I never felt anything during worship. I felt like I wasn't being genuine because I wasn't broken and touched by worship lately. I have been distant, but this isn't about me! It's about God! I need to stop worrying about myself and make worship selfless.

ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness. - 1 Chronicles 16:29

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker - Psalm 95:6

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. - John 4:24

Not once do these passages talk about what I can gain from worship.

Webster defines worship as:
reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage

We pay this to God, it is not about what God can do for us during worship or how he can make us feel.

On I found an entry about worship. Someone so wisely said that:

In the case of people who choose a religion because it makes them feel good about themselves, they themselves are the object of their worship, no matter how ecstatically they utter the name of their deity.

We can sound as excited as anyone, and yet we will still be doing all of this for ourselves. We want to make ourselves look good, and make ourselves feel free from blame, so we worship a god. That is so selfish of us.

Father, I want this to be about you. I want my life to reflect a selfless form of worship. I want to become less while you become more. I am nothing, my life means nothing, my deeds are nothing, my kindness means nothing without you, Father! Let me worship you without the outside distractions of who is watching, how I look, and how it makes me feel. Father, you are the center of worship, who am I to dare think that I am supposed to get something out of worship.

I want to be selfless, for you my dear Father!

(I don't want anyone to think that worship shouldn't make one feel good or happy. It should. But we must understand that worship is about Christ, it has nothing to do with us.)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

What Am I Doing?

Break my heart
So I can be like Jesus.
Break every part
So I can be like him.

Oh how I need to be holy.
Oh how I need to be still.
Oh how I need your spirit
To lead me.

I am so unsure. I want to sound encouraging. I want to sound lighthearted and happy. I want to be free from this angst that keeps a burden on my heart. I can't let it go, though. I can't seem to let go and let things happen as they will. Just sitting here, after a wonderful night with a wonderful friend I still feel heavy. I feel like there's something hovering over me, or sitting on my shoulders, or pressing my heart deep into my stomach. I feel like I have something to worry about all the time. I shouldn't though. I know that the only reason I feel this way is because my heart is set on things other than Christ. My heart is set on being satisfied by stupid things.

I will only feel free when I find my satisfaction in Him. He is the only thing that can make my heart feel light again. The only thing that can take the burden away. He is the only true encourager, the only true lover, the only true father, the only true friend. He is the only one that can make me feel the way I used to. When I first started writing I was carefree. I saw beauty in so many things. I thought deeply about the things I saw everyday. I saw Christ in every aspect of my life. I experienced happiness through simple things such as a warm day, a good hug, some time alone, a beautiful verse, a loving conversation. I still find happiness in these things, but not because I see Christ in them. I find happiness in these things because they feel good. I miss seeing Christ in my life. I miss feeling him present everyday. He's so far away. My heart hasn't broken for Christ in far too long. I need my heart to break, if it doesn't then I'll keep feeling burdened. I won't let go of this crap that I've surrounded myself with.

Break my heart!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Calling for Attention

All these distractions are calling for my attention. They scream for my attention and beg me to look their way. My thoughts are scattered, I can't focus. Christ won't scream above the noise. He will be the still small voice that I must listen for. I want to say my world revolves around something, but what is that? Is it really Christ around whom my life is centered? Does he really consume me? I want him to. I need him to. I want to say that he holds me together. I want to believe that his love and care envelopes me. I want to be sure that everything in my life comes back to Christ, that nothing is seperate from him. I long to surrender everything. He should own my life, my thoughts, my friends, my schoolwork, my time, my senses, my feelings, my everything. I need to let him be Lord of everything, I can't let myself keep parts of my life. Once I give him everything, my life will change drastically for the better. Nothing is better than having Christ rule my life. So, I must let go of these other things demanding my time and thoughts and energy. I have to let Christ hold my thoughts. I have to let him be Lord of absolutely EVERYTHING!

I have to. He must be my world.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
-Hebrews 13:5b-

This struck me as absolutely mind-blowing when I read it. Not only should we be content with what we have because we don't want to be greedy, but we must be content with what we have because we have everything we could ever need in our Lord and Savior! To not be content would be to say that Christ is not enough; Christ cannot fill the empty space in our hearts and lives; Christ is not the final answer. Christ is not only the final answer, Christ is the only answer. We have nothing without Christ.

But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wildflower.
-James 1:10-

Earthly belongings pass away. Money, clothing, positions, good looks, houses, accomplishments, even relationships. Some of these things are great things to have during our life times, but they are not everything. We cannot put our salvation and hope in anything that is here. The one and only thing that can give us hope, free us, and save us is Christ.

Be content with what you have not because its the good thing to do, but because Christ is all you could ever need.

Modest is Hottest

"A girl worth kissing isn't easy to kiss."

A kiss is so commonly cheapened. So many people will kiss others simply because they want to kiss someone. I've never been kissed, so I cannot say I understand the desire. I do want to be kissed, but to just kiss anyone seems to make the whole ritual a bit pointless. If someone will kiss just anyone for the reason of wanting to kiss someone, then what makes a kiss special? It's just a kiss, right? It doesn't mean much, right? Why would someone want attention just because people know that they can get a make-out session out of them? To me that is negative attention.

The best way to make a kiss special and intimate is to make it hard to get.

As one of my best friends would say, "Modest is hottest."

I've never thought much of that saying, but once I thought about it, it means much more than it's face value. Modesty is usually referred to in reference to clothing, and modest clothing is much more classy than immodest clothing. Modesty could also be referred to in reference to attitude. A modest (held back) attitude is more attractive than someone who throws themself at people. I've never thought much of people who do that sort of thing.

Back to the point of this...

The kiss worth having is the one that is hard to get.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

These walls

I remember when these walls brought tears to my eyes. I remember when all I wanted was to slow time down, to go back, to be as far away from these walls as I could possibly get. These walls meant leaving my family, being seperated from the ones who love me, leaving my home, being on my own, knowing no one. These walls were not a sign of hope, or happiness, or home, or love, or of anything good to me. Everything good to me was back there, in that home, with those people. No one here knew me, or loved me, or cared one bit who I really was.

Now that feeling is gone. These walls mean love, friends, a home away from home, hope, happiness, goodness. These walls are a sign of comfort. These walls are familiar.

These walls are home.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

What does it mean?

What does it mean when as soon as I leave their presence I miss them? What does it mean when I want to talk, but I'm too nervous? What does it mean when their arms around me is enough? What does it mean when a good conversation with them means the world to me? What does it mean when I want so bad to be patient, but can't help but be impatient? What does it mean when just their laugh makes my heart smile? What does it mean when a look speaks multitudes? What does it mean when I am unsure or everything? What does it mean when my stomach jumps at the thought? What does it mean when I can't stop replaying everything over and over again? What is wrong with me?

I don't have any answers.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Walk by faith

By faith Abraham...obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

-Hebrews 11:8

Why am I at this school? I have no earthly clue. The Lord put me here. He told me I am meant for ministry, he shows me the way as I go along. I have no idea what sort of ministry I want to do, I don't know how I want to do ministry, I don't know where I want to do ministry. I follow Him, and He shows me as we go. My eyes cannot see this path, but my heart follows my Lord.

They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.

-Hebrews 11:13

I often get discouraged when I do not see people react to the message. I feel as though nothing will ever be reaped, and I'll sow all my life. I'll plant seeds, and tell people about Christ, but I never seem to see the effects of those seeds. It is discouraging, but I must walk by faith.

He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward.

-Hebrwes 11:26

My reputation is shamefully important to me. I get upset when I'm not everyone's favorite person, because I've always thought that the ministry person should be loved by all. The opposite is true; many people despise the minister, or the one who speaks the name of the Lord. I must not linger on silly things such as my reputation. The Lord will shape each part of my life as He pleases.

Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

-Hebrews 12:1

It is so easy to get caught up in the things of this world. It is so simple to be distracted by sin. I must keep looking ahead. I will not finish this race if I am constantly looking to the sides. The Lord is in front of me, showing me where to go each step of the way. If I look away I am looking away from my Father God.

Let me live by faith.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Blessed Beyond Description

I'll say a dozen prayers, but none of them feel answered. I'll say a million words, but none of them feel heard. I'll sing a thousand songs, but none of them feel listened. I'll write a hundred letters, but none of them feel read. There are numerous people who hear me, few who listen; few who understand; few who comprehend the meaning of my words. Father, thank you for those who do listen. Thank you for the ones who care. Thank you that You always listen. There is never a split second where You are not ready to hear my prayers. You, Father, the Lord of the Universe, Creator of all things, famous, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, loving, merciful Lord. I'm blessed beyond description, and joyful beyond reason for the great gift you've bestowed upon me.
Praise the Lord for His undeserved blessings.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I don't know how to make the feelings stop

I shouldn't love you, but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
-Jesse McCartney-

This basically describes my life right now.
(Brooke, you got me into posting lyrics)

Monday, November 3, 2008


Everyone has their obsession.
Consuming thoughts; consuming time.
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives.
-Mute Math-

Father God Almighty is my obsession. He controls my thoughts; he fills my thoughts; he has overtaken my thoughts. He has posession of my time. He is the master of my days, the manager of my time. He does with the hours in my life as he pleases. He is my prized posession. He is not a trophy; trophies sit on shelves, collecting dust and being ignored for the majority of the time. He is not what some would call a "posession" because He is not mine, I am His! He is not simply number one on my list, He IS my list. He defines my life. He is my life, not only in the sense that He is important to me, but He IS the only thing in me that keeps me alive. He literally keeps me breathing, my heart beating, my muscles strong. My life not only belongs to Him, but my life is Him! He is perfectly faithful to remain all of this in me. He remains the Lord of everything, forever. I enjoy this life, I live for the Lord and I would not have it any other way. He is the only thing that could ever be Lord of my life.

Anything else on earth would fail.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Hear them say..

Missing people is different than having them miss me too. I can say I miss someone, and it will make me sad. To hear them say it back, puts me in tears. The second I hear their voice, see their face, feel their hugs, I cannot hold myself together. I say I miss people all the time, and I have a smile on my face. I cannot ever hear someone say that to me without having tears in my eyes.
I miss you.