Wednesday, May 12, 2010

time for something new

I'm here. It feels surreal. I can't believe its over. I will never ever forget this school year. I almost hope I will in some ways. I've never been through so much in 8 months.

I remember going back to school in August so sure and excited about how things would happen. I knew that I was over him, and I was even moving on. But that conviction didn't last long. I fell all over again and it only took one second, literally.
I had so many firsts. My first recital. My first time playing guitar for people. My first C, unfortunately. My first "hit" song. :) My first apartment. My first cooking lesson. My first surprise birthday party. My first boyfriend. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first breakup. My first (and second and third and fourth) forever goodbye.
And now the next time all those things come around they'll be my seconds. I wish that wasn't how it had to be. I wish I still had a lot of those firsts to come. I wish I hadn't given so much of my heart away and I wish I still had my first love and first kiss and first boyfriend to give to someone who loves me and plans to marry me.
Time goes on, though, and I have to move on with it. Not ahead of it waiting for tomorrow to bring my hopes along; not lagging behind looking around at the memories of my yesterdays, but with it. Looking at each day as it is. Where am I right now? I have to see today to have memories tomorrow.
Hearts will heal, and I can forgive myself.
I'm home. I'm here. Now is the time for something new.

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