Disconnected

Hello dear friends, 

How I've missed you.  How I've missed this wonderful outlet with which I can express my feelings.  I miss writing.  I miss myself.  I haven't been myself lately.  Can I rewind time to before I changed so much?  

I feel like I don't have a connection anymore.

I don't really know what I mean by that.  But thats how I feel.  Disconnected.

Alright, I have nothing else to write.

*picture taken by: Just Add Light*

Questions

I feel like its fading.

I call myself a Christian. I call myself a teacher. I call myself a leader.
Am I?

Do I really care about this thing that I call my faith?

Where did all of that passion go?

Why do I have more hard times that good times in my relationship with Christ?

Why do I feel like everything I do is fake?

Why do I feel like he is so far away?

Why isn't He the first solution that pops into my head?

Why can't I truly believe in the power of prayer?

Where did He go?

Why doesn't He feel close to me anymore?

Why don't I have a desire for His word?

Why can't I see Him in everyday things?

Why am I so consumed in earthly things?

What is right for me?

Where is He taking me?

Am I really listening to Him?

Am I making up my own plans?

How do I know whether my plans are my own or His own?

Why can't I be radical?

Why can't I take chances?

Why am I scared?

Jesus died the most horrific death in history. The process of crucifixion was developed from the science of killing people in painful and grueling ways. He died this death, and took my sins on his back because he loves me more than anyone else in all of eternity. Picture two people. One is spotless and clean, the other is covered in cow manure. The clean man takes all of the cow manure off of the man and then puts it on his own body. Another man is waiting to take one of these two men into his beautiful mansion. The formerly dirty man, now clean because of the originally clean, is spotless. The now clean man gets to go into the house.

Jesus is not kept outside of heaven, but we (the originally dirty man) are full of sin. Because Christ scraped every little blemish off of us we get to have a home in God's mansion.

Grace such as this should not be taken lightly.

That is why I have to be radical.

That is why I must take chances.

That is why I cannot be afraid.

*picture taken by: Amanky*

The Crickets

Tonight I walked outside and heard the crickets.

Summer is coming.

God is good.

I love my music.

I love my friends.

I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

Things just seem to be going well.

Praise God!

picture taken by:  *My Name is Maria...*

Cleaning a Closet Can Lead to Great Discoveries

Today my sister and I were cleaning out our closet.  It was quite entertaining due to the fact that in our closet are schoolwork assignments, VBS crafts, cards, and projects from our entire lives.  No kidding.  I found a letter my kindergarten teacher wrote to me a few days before school started.  I also found a little diary.  I used to write a little tid bit about my day every night before I went to sleep.  I was in fourth grade when I started my diary.  It is really interesting to see what the child version of me would say about each day.  What was important enough to write in a diary entry.

Here are a few good ones:

January 5, 1999.

"Dear Diary, 

Today I went to two houses to deliver a basket full of fruit because they had old people in thier houses.  When i went to school today I had a lot of fun playing with Brooke Miller's Beanie Babies.  I like writing in my diary.  I think I will be a Basketball palyer when I grow up.  

That's All.  Katie."

January 10, 1999.

"Dear Diary, 

Today I went outside once.  I think I will be an Iceskater or a Basketball player when I grow up.  Today I wached The Wonderful World of Disney.  Tomorrow I start basketball lessons.  I am so excited, that is all I can think of for my diary today.  

Bye.

Signed, Katie."

January 21, 1999.

"Dear Diary, 

Today Miss Watkins was back at school  I had gymnastics after school today.  I think its good that God sent his son to eath to help us.  It's kind of good that Jesus died on the cross for our sins it's good, but that he died is bad.  I had fun today. 

Sincerly, 

Katie."

April 4, 1999.

"Dear Diary, 

Today i got my Easter basket.  In it I got a chockolate bunny, Robin eggs, Jacks, Peanutbutter recese egg.  I didn't get peeps in my basket but we got ppeps, I got a little bunny and I think that's all.  I went to Homer City for Church.  Emily, Harrison, Uncle Cliff, Aunt Barb, Kristen, Uncle Jim, and Aunt Betsy were there. 

Thats all.

Katie"

April 7, 1999.

"Dear Diary, 

Today I went to Piano, Chior, and Dance.  Tommorow Deirdre is sleeping over.  But just because her Mom and Dad are going out of town.  I love my mom and dad very much.  My boyfriends name is David Domer.  He is so cute!  I only have 1 more whole months of school but counting April 2. 

Thats all.

Katie"

April 11, 1999.

"Dear Diary, 

Today I went to the college to practice for the talant show.  I will go home with Alee on the bus.  The talent show is on Thur. this week!!! I saw "Horney the Spy" today for Disney.  I think it was neat.  I have another boyfriend his name is Shane.

Thats all.

Katie."

I had a lot of fun.  Almost every entry I made said that I had fun that day.  Obviously I had no idea why I did charitable things such as give gifts to the elderly.  I also liked boys already, considering the fact that I had two boyfriends at one time.  I enjoy the rawness of the spelling, grammar, and sentence structure.  Some of them don't even make sense.  I do think that it is extremely important to note that on no particular holiday and no particular time I decided to write about how important it was that God sent his son.  It was even a Thursday.  I didn't even go to church that day!  God was working in me as a fourth grader.  I had the faith of a child.  I loved the Lord and I understood how crazy it was that he died for me.  I also understood that although the gift was glorious, his death was hideous.  I hope I can still have the faith of a child.  Understanding things for what they are instead of trying to see them in such a confusing light.  

I don't know if this post made sense or what, but I loved seeing that I had the faith of the child.  It's crazy to see that same faith in me today. 

picture taken by: Pajammy

Need to be Needed

I cannot wait to get married.  I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife and have the man who I will love with everything I am.  I cannot wait to be number one to someone.  I've never been that.  I've never been anyone's number one.  Its the one thing that really bothers me.  I've never had someone, even just a friend, who loved me and wanted to spend time with me more than anyone else.  Maybe that is selfish, but it would be nice.  There are people who love me, and I know they do.  I just don't ever feel like anyone wants to be with me more than anyone else.  I cannot wait to come home to a husband who wouldn't rather be with anyone else on this earth.  Someone who cares for me more than they've ever cared for someone.  A man who wants to give me the moon, whether he can or cannot do that is not the point.  A man who wants me to be happy in every single moment.  A man who can tell me where I'm wrong, and tell me when I'm being silly and yet still make me feel wonderful.  I don't want to feel as though everyone I'm with is always thinking that they'd rather be somewhere else.  I can't stand it much longer.  I need to be wanted.  I need to be needed.  I want to raise my children to be wonderful men and women in the Lord.  I want to teach them about this incredible love I've found.  Its the only love that I know that is spotless.  He's the only one who never makes me feel like he'd rather be somewhere else.  I want them to know how he loves them.  I have dreams and aspirations to be someone who makes a difference in the world, but if God wants to keep me where I am and make me a mother who makes a difference in her children's lives, I'd be happy to do it.  

This didn't end up really having a point, it was a lot of jibberish mashed into one paragraph.  I hope you understand.

Impact the World

I just want to make a difference.  This has been so prevelant on my heart lately.  I want to get out of my silly routine, my comfort zone, my day-to-day, and I want to do something.  I want to make a difference in the world for Christ.  I feel anxious, but I don't know what for.  I feel like my life is so ready to go somewhere, but it doesn't look like it ever will.  It is so hard to have to do things that don't seem to contribute at all to Christ's purpose for my life.  What will a college algebra or a history or an aerobics class do for Christ?  I can honor him by doing my best, but what else are these things accomplishing.  I want to speak, act, sing, play, and write for Him.  I am so ready to be in the world.  I'm so ready to get out of school, and get to the real work.  I don't need a college degree to do what Christ is calling me to do!  I need his presence in my life, his spirit in my heart, his words in my mouth, and his actions in my head, and I feel like I have those things.  Just let me go, let me do something that will impact the world.

I NEED to make a difference.

picture taken from: Blog

NSYNC.

Friend.

Writing.

Coffee.

Wonderful night.

Worship Leader

Real worship leaders are ones who can reach such high levels of success, fame, fortune, fans, and yet desire ONLY to help others worship the Lord.

I was at a Chris Tomlin concert the other night. It was amazing to compare his show to other shows I've seen or heard about. The other shows are about the band. The other shows are about being famous. The other shows are about self. The other shows are about everything earthly. His show was about simply coming to our Father God on our faces ready to lift our hands and voices in praise. Thats all that Chris seemed to want to happen that night. He couldn't care less about the fact that he has written numerous chart-toppers, and hit songs. He wanted to worship and he longed to bring others to worship. Anyone can tell from watching him, or looking at pictures of him while performing that he himself is in worship. Chris never made any kind of transition from worship leader to celebrity.

He is what a worship leader should be.

Such A Plan

God works in absolutely everything!

Everything.

That is no overstatement.

I'm noticing Him in the tiniest situations.
I am blessed to be part of such a plan as his.

He understands.

Stuck

There are so many situations in my life recently that have two sides.  I learned about this in psychology. I can't remember what it is called, but it is something like there are two situations and there are things in each that pull you toward them.  I can think of two certain current situations in which I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth, back and forth.  I cannot stop it.  This morning I woke up and discovered that my doorknob was tied to the doorknob of my "across the hall" neighbor.  Thats how I feel, but this time I'm stuck in the middle.  I pull on both strings, but I cannot bring myself to cut either side.  If one side is cut, I can't go back there.  I'll never have this choice again.  I'll have to deal with the decision I made for a very long time, if not forever.  I can't do this.  I cannot deal with being stuck.  I am the kind of person who would LOVE to jump in head first, but I can never bring myself to do so.  I am not daring enough.  I am not radical enough.  (That is a problem in every area of my life.  I need to be more radical just in general.)  I want to understand the situations I'm in.  I want to understand why this is happening.  I want to understand what I can do.  I want to do better.

I'm so stuck.