Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Under the Lamp Post

Right here. This is my place. Under the lamp post. My spot. I declared this "my spot" right after I got here more than a year ago. I sat here on multiple occasions and studied, or wrote, or thought, or prayed, or talked. Its a good spot. Things feel good here. I sit here and I feel like I notice things that I don't normally notice. I am more sensitive to sounds and sights and feelings and words. I can hear the birds better in my spot. I can hear the sound of the cars. I can see the beauty in the swaying leaves, or the flickering light. I feel the warmth of a hug or a friendly hello. I just feel like I belong here. I love talking to God here. Its so perfect.

I imagine heaven will have a place like this for me.
*picture taken by: FrAnthony*

Friday, September 18, 2009

Everything Seems Smaller

Josh Wilson. This man is extremely talented in musicianship, in writing, in voice. He's incredible, and his lyrics are even more amazing.

Savior, Please
Savior, please take my hand .
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, then it ends.
And then I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough,
but I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone, God I need you
to hold on to me.
I try to be good enough,
but I'm nothing without your love.
Savior, please keep saving me.

Savior, please help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will you begin right where I end?
And be the God of all I am because you're all I have.

Everything you are to me
is everything I'll ever need.
and i am learning to believe
cause you're the one who's saving me.

3 Minute Song
I tried to write a song, and keep it 3 minutes long
Get in, get out, nobody gets hurt
And I tried a thousand times to fit God between the lines
But I'm finding out that doesn't really work

I just don't have the words to say, cause words only get in my way
I must apologize, I have the hardest time
Finding something to define a God that I can't define
And even if I could, it would take way too long
If all I've got's a 3 minute song

I've got a hundred metaphors, and if I had a million more
I could never ever seem to sum this up
Besides, how can some melody communicate eternity?
Itýs like trying to fit the ocean in a cup

I'll never find the words to say cause words only get in the way
I would like to dumb this down to 3 chords, or maybe 4
But I've tried and I can't and I won't cause there will always be more
So I apologize, I can't seem to get it right

You probably didn't even read all of those, but if you ever get the chance please read at the chorus of each song. It so incredible the way the Josh Wilson describes the Lord. The way that the words seem to reach right into my heart and touch its deepest wounds. The way that they make it seem as though, whatever valley I'm in isn't that big of a deal because I have the Lord coming to pull me out.

Every obstacle seems smaller when the Lord is on my side.
*picture found at: website*

I miss you, Yesterday

There were a lot of things I would have enjoyed doing with my night. I could have watched a movie. Had an encouraging conversation with a friend. Told someone I love them. Given someone a hug. Been held by loving arms. Spent time praising the Lord through conversation. Eaten a delicious snack. Caught fireflies. Walked in the moonlight. Cried tears of joy. Called an old friend. Spent time in the word of the Lord. Drank coffee. Played the guitar. Sung a song. Showed someone how much I love them. And although I did do some of these. What is prevalent on my mind tonight is that I hurt someone. I hate hurting people. I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone. Its so much easier. I hate all of it... the look in someone's eyes after I've told them what I needed to say, the way they can't say anything in response because nothing they say will change the circumstances, the way there is nothing to do but sit in silence, the way their day seems ruined because of my news. The way we're both so desperate to go back to the way it was 24 hours ago. There are few times when I've missed yesterday so much. I want you back, yesterday. Help me, Father, to see that through this mess, and my mistakes, and through my hurt that you will heal me and make me stronger. I pray that I will see where you are taking me.

Lead me, Father, and I (sure hope I) will follow.
*picture taken by: Toma01*

Monday, September 14, 2009

Where did that passion go?

I used to do this all the time. I used to see beauty in everything. I used to be happier. I used to love better. I feel hardened. Like my heart is not as easily penetrated as it used to be. I want to be back at that place where every moment wasn't a moment to dread, it wasn't a moment to try and get through. It was another great opportunity to worship this Father of mine. Another wonderful chance to see Him through his creation. Another blessed time to experience his love in one way or another. I used to see such beauty in everyday things. I loved the sound of the train rushing by. I loved the wind through the trees and the sun on my face. I absolutely adored just sitting here in my spot with my computer and a snack, having just finished my work. Writing was easy. Words flowed. Not from my head. They came from my heart, they came from the Lord. I keep saying that I want to be that way again, and I know I can. I just don't like the path I have to take to get there.

Help me take a leap for you, Father. Who better to put my faith in than you? Help me to see how foolish I am for being scared.
*picture taken by: Nichola80*

I'm Not Doing Anything Wrong

This is going to sound really stupid, but I figured something out today. I don't know my future. I have no idea what my life will look like in even 3 years. I have no idea where I'll live, if I'll be single, if I'll have a job, where I'll have a job, what I'll be doing, what I'll be aiming for. Its all dark in the future. Some people know where they're going. They know they feel called to be a missionary, or a musician, or an artist, or an actor, or a Young Life Staff member, or an engineer, or a stay-at-home mom, or a business person, or a teacher. Some people can see that clearly and know without a single doubt that God is steering them directly toward one specific thing.

I used to feel like I was doing something wrong because I didn't know. I felt like I was not being faithful enough, or I wasn't praying enough, or I wasn't loving people enough, or I wasn't trusting the Lord enough. How silly is that?! God is simply catering to my personality. Some people can know all that they are going to do and still be able to serve God in the moment, and some people wouldn't be able to focus on the here-and-now if they knew where they were headed (thats me).
I almost feel blessed not knowing where my life is going. I don't have to worry about it. I do what God is telling me to do right now and thats all I need. He'll show me what I need to see in time, but without knowing where I'm headed its so much easier to serve the Lord right now! Its so much fun. Its so rewarding.

I'm not doing anything wrong. God just knows me better than I know myself.
*picture taken by: //bwr*

Stuck Inside

I am such a human sometimes. Ok. Rephrase that... ALL the time. I want a break from myself. I feel so trapped inside myself. I know what I would say to myself if I were not me. But I can't say that to myself. I'm too scared to admit things like that to myself. Goodness gracious.

Jesus. Help me, please?
I need a lot of help. More than a lot of people. I'm selfish, and stubborn, and stupid so it might take a lot. I'm sick of being stuck inside myself.

*picture taken by: Kristen Lanae*