Does anyone want to know what the stupidest thing I've ever done is? Well, I'll tell you. The stupidest thing I've ever done is put more hope and faith in myself than in Christ. I do it all the time! I will put more faith in myself to be able to achieve my dreams, to get a good grade, to do my job correctly, to love people effectively, EVEN to love HIM better and to read his word more often!! How stupid is that? I am putting hope in myself for something like that. Why would I put hope in myself anyway? I know that I'm lazy. I know that I don't ever get things done on time. I know that I have horrible self motivation. I know that I always get in arguments with people. I know that I have a very hard time loving some people. I know that I have a very short fuse at times. I know that I've failed hundreds of millions of times trying to do things.
Seriously, Katie? Are you really that dense? Do you really think that you can do a better job at running your life than God?!
But the thing is, I don't think I can do a better job. I THINK God can do a better job, but my heart doesn't seem to want to admit that. My heart is a very stubborn little heart. It cannot let go of what I want. I want to find a good man that will love me forever, and I want to do that on my own. I want to achieve my dreams, and I want to do that on my own. I want to get good grades, and I want to do that on my own. I want to get in shape, and I want to do that on my own. I want to be a better Christian, and EVEN THAT I want to do on my own. What in the world? Even as I write this I cannot think about anything else but how foolish I am.
All I have to do is want it, right? Well, I WANT to put my faith in You, Father. I want to give everything that I am and everything that I desire over to You! I am sick of walking on eggshells trying to make everyone happy and make my life look perfect. Frankly, I don't care how perfect my life looks. All I want to do is make you smile, Father! There is nothing else that will satisfy me. I want you to look down on me and smile, and tell me that you love me, hold me tightly, and tell me you're proud. Why should I care about how wonderful of a person people think I am? Or how great of a Christian I can look like? Or how much people like me because I'm so nice? Or how high I life my hands in worship? I shouldn't!! If you're smiling on me, Father, nothing can touch me! You're my only source of satisfaction. I've tried other things! I've looked for this earthly satisfaction everyone else seems to know. I can't find it! Either they have something I don't, or they are, in reality, empty. I KNOW they're empty. Because I KNOW you fill me! I KNOW that there is nothing else that can fill me or anyone else.
Father fill me.
Beautiful. This says it so well: for me, for you, for everyone. This is beautiful.
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