I want to write things that mean something. I don't want to write generically. I want to make impacts. I want to make people think. I want to be intuitive. I want to be different. I want to have a new perspective. I want to have my own ideas. I want people to read what I write and say that I am different, that I said something important.
I want to make music that changes people. I want people to hear the music I make and for them to have to think about it. I want to deliver pieces in such a way that people will start to think about the lyrics. I want to have passion in my voice.
I want to BE in a way that others notice. I want to look, act, talk, laugh, care, joke, love, promise differently. I want people to see something in me that they don't see in everyone else. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be generic. I don't want to fit in. I don't want to blend.
But I can't.
He will speak, act, sing, love, care, BE through me. That is all I need, all I want.
This goes out to anyone who wears makeup. I was going to say girls, but I guess there are some boys that like to wear makeup too, so I don't want to leave them out.
You know how when you are looking in a mirror that has a florescent light above it, you can see every imperfection on your face? Every red spot looks redder, and every bump looks bigger. It is just a known rule among makeup wearers that florescent light makes you look rough. So, you start putting on your makeup. First comes foundation. Under the florescent light it is impossible to blend it so that it looks the same as your skin. Maybe you use powder. You can see anywhere that there is even the smallest clump, and all the little grains are visible. Then comes the blush. It won't blend right, it looks like a line; there just isn't a way to make it look natural under the light. So you move onto your eyes. There is eyeliner, and mascara. When you put your eyeliner on, you can see any little mistakes you made, and personally, I can never get my eyeliner right. Then your mascara looks clumpy and nasty. It just doesn't look like it should. So in the beginning of your makeup endeavor you looked pretty rough under the light. Now, in the end, after trying to cover up your imperfections you still look rough under the light.
This is how we would look to God without Christ. Even our attempts at righteousness are dirty rags, and our attempts at covering our imperfections don't do anything, but change the type of imperfection. God is perfectly HOLY! There is no red spot, blemish, or bump on his face. He doesn't need makeup. He looks perfect, because he IS perfect. So he can see ANYTHING that isn't absolutely perfect on us. You can't cover your sins. You can't do enough good things to make up for the bad. You look to God like you look in a mirror under florescent light.
BUT, God sees us in a different light. He sees us in the light of Christ. When he looks at us he sees beauty and righteousness because he sees us as he sees Christ. Christ is like a lens. When Christ died he took all that ugliness and all that dirt that was all over our bodies and he put in on him. When Christ died, all of that sin died with him. When Christ rose, the sin was gone. He left it in death. He took it from us, and destroyed it so that when God looks at us, he can look at us as righteous children of the Lord of the earth.
I am so awkward. Its true. Three times today someone said something like, "What's up?" instead of "How are you?" and I could not think of how to respond. In one instance I just kind of stammered and mumbled finally spitting out, "How are you?" hoping he hadn't noticed that I had no idea what I was saying. The second and third time I decided to give a disclaimer after responding to the question with a well thought out, "Not much." It took me a while to get the words out though.
I'm also awkward because if I want to say hello to someone who is not looking at me, either I will awkwardly look at them for a while until they look at me, or I will make some sort of movement that will ensure their noticing me, then I'll say some kind of awkward hello.
I also don't like the sound of my voice a lot of the time. It just sounds so different. Of course, if I am in a place where I am comfortable like my home or with good friends, then it isn't as weird. But if I'm in a place where I don't know many people, my voice just sounds so weird compared to everyone else's.
Around certain people I'm very aware of what kind of facial expressions I'm making. Around other people I'm very UNaware of the kind of facial expressions I'm making. In both cases things can get awkward.
All in all, I'm simply an awkward person. [This post is in tribute to Mary Katherine -- "awkward":) ] picture taken by rh89
Am I really where I am supposed to be? Should I be here, at this school, with this major? I am scared that I've strayed from God's plan for me. But I'm too scared to change the plan. I thought this school was the hard choice, the difficult path. If I had chosen ECU then I would have been too comfortable. I thought this was right. I was getting out of my comfort zone. I never thought I'd regret this. I was drawn here from the start. Everyone else thought I was supposed to be here.
I want SO badly to be where God wants me. Thats all I want. I can't BE without being where he wants me. I physically ache thinking that I might not be in the right place.
I need prayer. If anyone reads this, even if you don't know me, please pray for me. Thats all I need. He is my everything. I cannot be here if He is not with me.
This is how I feel. Sometimes I will sit and think, and I'll try to find a reason for what I'm doing. I'll try to find something that attracts me, something that I can't do without, something that I look forward to. I like a lot of things. I like my friends, my schooling, my position in Young Life, but I can't find anything that makes me want to stay here, on earth. I want to be with my Father. That is what I'm attracted to, that is what I cannot do without, and that is what I'm looking forward to. Then I start to understand that my life here does count, and I need to live it for the glory of my Father. If I really am looking forward to the time when I can be with him forever, then I'll live this life until He takes me as He wills, and I will live every moment for his glory.
So, I am finding every reason to be gone. I want to be with Him. There doesn't really seem to be much here to hold on to, but I can hold onto Christ. I can hold onto my Savior. And one day he'll take me.
One day everything I'm looking forward to will be right in front of me. picture taken by Aster-oid
You are the only one that keeps me sane in this insane world.
Please don't disregard this statement. The Lord is a smart guy, and He's been teaching this to me for the past two weeks. I cannot live or function or be joyful without Him. It is actually reassuring, although I had to go through such a hard two weeks, to know that He is just about EVERYTHING to me. If He wasn't everything to me then I would not have been in such a slump.
Thank You my dearest Father!
You are a God of silver linings. picture taken by Jam343
My everything was falling apart. I was getting ready to leave for school, and that killed me. I couldn't imagine having to start over. I had done that before, and I hated every moment. Thinking about losing everything familiar to me made me want to crawl under my covers and hide from the world. It was a scary place and I wasn't ready for it. I wrote this in my journal on April 15, 2008:
What do you do when all that you thought was true starts to fall apart?
What do you do when all that used to seem permanent is fading away?
What do you do when you cannot rely on earthly things to remain unchanged?
You turn to the one who is true.
You turn to the one who is forever and never fading.
You turn to the one who does not change.
There is only one thing that will never leave you, never forsake you, never drop you, never let you down, never fail you, never lie to you, never hurt you, never turn away from you, and that is the Lord God Almighty. He is constant, powerful, omniscient, amazing, beautiful, and mighty. He can be relied on.