O Holy Night (Merry Christmas)

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;

It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here came the wise men from Orient land.

The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,

In all our trials born to be our friend!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His Gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother

And in His Name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy Name!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

O night, O holy night, O night divine!

We've all heard this song hundreds of times. I know I've heard it so many times I don't even think about it anymore. Thats sad. We need to think about it.

The first verse says that the world had long been in a slump of having to worry about their errors (error pining) they were stuck in sin with no saving grace except the Lord's forgiveness through animal sacrifices. Then the Lord appeared and all those people who were unconditionally forgiven truly knew the worth of this gift. This weary world had hope now! The hope of a new morning after a horrible day. Like a burden was lifted. The world no longer had to carry this heavy package on their shoulders, THEY HAD CHRIST!

The chorus is just a glorious passage of praise to Christ!

The second verse proclaims that we stand by his cradle with beaming hearts! Our hearts rejoice for this savior! Then the song says that we see the King of all kings lying in a manger. I don't think I've ever really grasped the concept of King of all kings. Just think about that one. This King of all kings was born to be our friend. Think of the most famous person you can think of. Then imagine that that famous person is your best friend. Not just an aquaintance, not just an old neighbor, you didn't just see them on the street, but they are your very best friend. Having Christ as our best friend is infinitely as incredible.

Then the last verse. "Let all within us praise his holy name." Everything. All of us. Every cell. Every finger. Every toe. Every eye. Every drop of blood. Every thought. Every motion. Every look. Let not one thing fail to praise Christ.

This song is far from normal.

Stuck in a Maze

I have been holding it in for so long. It has all been bottled up inside of me. Its like when you climb a mountain and your ears pop, and your head feels like it is ready to explode. Its like when you fill a balloon up with water so much that one more drop will cause all the water to come gushing out. Its like when, at Build-a-Bear, the bear is so full of stuffing that its eye looks like its about to pop off. All this tension builds up inside of me and all I want is to let it out. I don't know how to let it out. I have nothing to be mad about, nothing to be sad about. I have no reason to cry, but thats all I want to do. I have no grounds on which to be angry at anything or anyone. I just want to scream, or cry, or laugh my heart out, or fall flat on my face in front of the Lord. Nothing is working! Nothing relieves me! I tried crying, I'm still confused. I tried being mad, I still feel anguish. I even tried laying everything down before the Lord, but even that I feel as though I have failed. What am I supposed to do? There is no other way. There isn't even a reason as to why I'm feeling this way. I can't figure it out! I can't get through this maze in my head. There seems to be no escape! Help me Father, that's all I want. I want you to be here beside me, carrying me through all of this. I need you. I have nothing else right now. No one else knows my feelings, no one else understands what I'm going through. But you do, Father.

Let me out! I'm trapped!

Spirit vs. Sinful Nature

For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.

- Galatians 5:17

Spirit vs. Sinful Nature

They are in conflict so that you do not do what you want to do.

Your sinful nature -

You naturally want to sin. Since the spirit of God that lives in you as a christian conflicts with that, and you follow that spirit, you shouldn't always do what you want. Eventually, what you want should match up with what God (the spirit) wants.

I want this.

Cracking the Red Brick Wall

There is so much going on in my head, but none of it seems to be tangible. None of it can be pinned to certain words. None of it can be expressed in any way. I want to scream it out at the top of my lungs, but when no words or emotions or actions can express those feelings its hard to do anything to get it out. It's like that section of my thoughts is being blocked. There is something terribly wrong but I am blissfully unaware because there is a brick wall in between my concious thoughts and those hidden thoughts. I say blissfully because isn't it so much easier to not know that something is wrong. When you break a bone wouldn't it be much less painful to be numb, when someone you love is ruining their life wouldn't it be easier to never know, when you fail a test wouldn't it be less stressful to never get it back, when your spiritual life is spiraling downward wouldn't it be less complicated to never truly talk to the Lord. Of course, in my case the wall is starting to break. There are small cracks in it, and I am peeking through. I am starting to realize that something is horribly wrong, but there is not enough information for me to figure out what that is. So, in my case, I am no longer blissful and unaware; I am stressed out and partially aware. It's killing me to see something falling apart over the wall, but not being able to see what exactly it is that is crushing me inside.

Lord, break down the wall!

In Our Defense

But if anyone does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense.
- 1 John 2:1

Alright, so... first off to understand how incredible all of this is we need to understand what it means when we sin. Right, we did something bad that we shouldn't have done. Not only that, but sin is a DIRECT offense toward God! We are basically punching God in the face when we sin. Second understand that this person who speaks in our defense is Jesus. Jesus is not only God's son, but Jesus IS GOD! So we are punching God/Jesus in the face and Jesus (God's son/God himself) goes to the Father and says, hey... lets forgive that person. If someone punched our best friend, our sibling, our mom, our dad, anyone we had friendly relations with, in the face we would most likely NOT be very quick to forgive. But when we punch God in the face, His beloved Son says, "Hey Dad, forget about that... just forgive them" WOW! Why would he do that? I just punched his Dad in the face! I just punched HIM in the face! But he wants to forgive me! WHOA! Intense stuff.

I hope I explained this well. I feel like maybe it was a bit confusing. Just know, that the fact that Christ does this is the greatest gift ever given!

A Whirlwind

I just miss Him. It seems like its been forever since I've felt His presence or experienced the warmth of being wrapped in His arms. I feels like an eternity since the last time I had a good talk with Him or just let Him catch me as I fall. I keep trying to let other things satisfy that presence. I try to feel warm by other earthly arms. I attempt to bear my heart to others in hopes that it will satisfy my need for closure in situations. I continue trying to catch myself, but I just keep hitting the ground. I know I need to throw it all away and look to Him, but when I do that it never seems to work. Is my heart not genuine enough? Do I not truly desire this? Am I really talking to you, Lord? Am I denying you? What in the world is going on? I'm in a whirlwind of thoughts, words, people, feelings, situations. I can't get a hold on one single thing. I just want to fall over. I'm sick of all this. There is so much I'm holding on to, and I don't have the strength to let go! I need your help. I cannot do this on my own.

I miss You.

The Shoulder of My Creator

As soon as everything seems great, something ruins it. Not just the one obvious thing that is upsetting me, but other things too. I could be losing something HUGE very soon. I keep questioning my major. I don't know if I want to do music anymore. I might want to major in English. I have two friends who don't get along. I want this post to sound good, but I really don't care right now. This is my heart, and sometimes it doesn't sound eloquent. Things are good, things are bad. Things are happy, things are sad. I can't freaking decide how I feel. I just want to go to her and sit with her and cry. Then I want someone to tell me what I should do with my life. Then I want someone to tell me who I should love and who I shouldn't. Then I just want to fall into the arms of my heavenly Father and let him hold me.

Wait... I can do that now.

Alright, I'm leaving to go cry on the shoulder of the creator of the universe.

Screamable

I cannot believe this.

Put My Hope In Something More

Isn't it funny how people will compose fantasies in their head? They'll see every detail of their scene, and soon what started as a simple idea will transform into a reality. This outlandish daydream will become their expectation of actuality; if this does not play out as they have imagined it then they’ll be disappointed. Hopefully, other people can relate to what I’m saying, if they can’t, I guess I’m the only crazy one. I get angry and frustrated with myself for doing stuff like that. I don’t want to expect too much, but what can I say… I’m an optimistic person. I really enjoy hope. Maybe that hope is empty, or impracticable, but I can hope if I want to. I do stuff like that all the time. I’ll think about an encounter with someone, or a meeting with a friend, or a test, or the far off future, and I will come up with these eccentric happenings that would never really take place. It is dumb that I get my hopes up so much, and anticipate this incident that will never really happen. Then when it doesn’t happen I get really disappointed. I need to put my hope in something better.

Hmmmm, let me try Christ.

This weekend I saw four people come to know Christ. I saw friends bring other kids to Christ. I met new brothers and sisters. I can't wait to see them in heaven with me! I can't wait to greet them at the gates of the kingdom. How incredible it is to see three teenage boys and one girl stand up in front of 450 people and say that they met the Lord! That they have a relationship with Him now! It blows my mind that I am so lucky to be the one to greet them into the kingdom.

Perfection

So this is another blog that I wrote over Thanksgiving break while I was without internet... enjoy!

This time with my family is so perfect. I find myself trying extra hard to cherish each moment, because soon this will be gone. I’ll be back at school away from this. Soon this will all be over. I don’t want it to be over. I love school, but how could I ever think that I like school more than this. Waking up in a home beside my sister instead of in a dorm basically alone. I spent all my time living at home wanting freedom, wanting to get away… now all I want is to be here and stay here. I love my friends at school, but they aren’t my sisters or my brothers. They aren’t my wonderful parents. The worst part is I can’t even really share school with my family. It is so separate. The friends I have at school live hours away from me, most of them will probably never meet my whole family or come to my house. Most of them will never be able to meet my friends from home or see where I went to high school. They won’t be able to know what I love about my home town and they won’t ever see where I got to church. I wish they could, I want these two lives I have to be one. I hate that they are separate. I want each life to know everything about the other, but that just won’t happen.

Why can’t I just bring school home? That would fix all my problems.

Thankfulness

Today was Thanksgiving. Well, not the day this is posted because I don’t have internet here.
Anyway, today was thanksgiving. I went to my aunt’s house and we had a big lunch with a bunch of family. I missed them. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen some of them. It was great to have fun and all that, but as we were on our way home I was sitting in the car listening to some music and I realized that I had never thought about what I am thankful for. So, on the car ride home I tried to make a list in my head of different things that I am thankful for. Of course I have the obvious things, my family, my friends, my blessings. Then I thought of things that I miss being at school, things that I never realized that I was thankful for until I missed them. You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone… right? I am thankful for food prepared by people who love me, for long car rides with my family, for each person being a part of the puzzle that is my family, for sleeping beside my sisters, for sitting beside my brother in the car, for my little brother’s big hugs, for seeing my parents be wonderful, for lying on my cousins shoulder while she rubs my head, for more food than I could ever possibly eat, for goodnight kisses from my mom, for hearing my dad’s footsteps through the house, for my mom bringing laundry into my room already folded, for my uncle and my dad being so incredibly alike, for my grandpap loving me more than I could ever know, for my brother and his whistling, for jokes that are years old and yet we still talk about them, for not having to watch what I do or say, for my sister and our late night talks. I never thought that these things meant as much as they do to me. I feel horrible sometimes for minimizing them and what they mean, not only to me but to other people. I’m sorry.

I think I’m the luckiest person alive.

NO!

I WON'T LET GO OF THIS! IT IS MINE, AND YOU CANNOT HAVE IT!

I refuse.

Closed Up

I don't understand why some people are so closed up. Even when they know that I care, and I want to be able to help. Even if I can't do anything, I like to be there to talk to. I like when people can trust me like that. What hurts is when I trust them, but they don't feel the same way.