Monday, December 22, 2008

Cracking the Red Brick Wall

There is so much going on in my head, but none of it seems to be tangible. None of it can be pinned to certain words. None of it can be expressed in any way. I want to scream it out at the top of my lungs, but when no words or emotions or actions can express those feelings its hard to do anything to get it out. It's like that section of my thoughts is being blocked. There is something terribly wrong but I am blissfully unaware because there is a brick wall in between my concious thoughts and those hidden thoughts. I say blissfully because isn't it so much easier to not know that something is wrong. When you break a bone wouldn't it be much less painful to be numb, when someone you love is ruining their life wouldn't it be easier to never know, when you fail a test wouldn't it be less stressful to never get it back, when your spiritual life is spiraling downward wouldn't it be less complicated to never truly talk to the Lord. Of course, in my case the wall is starting to break. There are small cracks in it, and I am peeking through. I am starting to realize that something is horribly wrong, but there is not enough information for me to figure out what that is. So, in my case, I am no longer blissful and unaware; I am stressed out and partially aware. It's killing me to see something falling apart over the wall, but not being able to see what exactly it is that is crushing me inside.

Lord, break down the wall!

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