Turtle

I never knew how shy I was until I came here. I feel so inferior to almost everyone around me. Not in a way that would make it seem like I just feel SO bad for myself. I don't. I just see people around me that are experts at what they do, and I am finding out that I am not an expert at anything like that. Its not a bad thing. It's just the way that I am. I just feel shy. I shouldn't. It would probably make my life ten times easier if I would just be a little more outgoing and not be so silly about things. I just can't. I've tried. There are certain people that I can just go crazy around. Then there are other people who I can't even have normal conversation around. I look at my feet, I fiddle with something in my hands, I move my eyes around. I crawl into my shell. I hate that I do that. I hate that I'm worried about what they'll think of me, because I'm sure that if I would just be myself and let myself go they would like me much more, or at least they'd know who I am. I don't like hiding. I like to be outgoing. Its hard sometimes though. My shell is safe, and comfortable. My shell is warm, and it is dark. No one can see me there. But it gets lonely.

I don't want to be a turtle anymore.

More Than Just a Raised Hand

The raised hand in praise to God. It is a very common way of worshiping the Lord. It is an obvious outpouring of praise. But it is much more than just a raised hand.

A raised hand shows a longing and a desire to touch the Lord. To be as close as we can to his glory. It is an overspill of the love and closeness that one feels for the Lord.

A raised hand shows an open spirit. When one opens his or her hands in worship they are presenting their soul. They are lying their spirit out flat for the Lord to see. It is dirty, but they desire for the Lord to make it clean.

A raised hand shows freedom. A slave's hands are bound. A prisoner's hands are cuffed. When one raises their hands in worship they are showing and celebrating their freedom. They can raise their hands.

A raised hand shows a focused heart. When someone is not focused on worship, they don't want to call attention to themselves by raising their hand. They don't want to look foolish. When one doesn't even care that there are people around them they will do whatever they want in worship to the Lord. They'll raise their hand, dance around, jump up and down, or talk out loud. When someone really is in a state of worship, he or she won't care about how they look when they raise their hand. They'll be so excited to praise their Father that they won't be able to do anything BUT raise their hand.

Its more than just a raised hand.

Beyond A Masterpiece

Think about the one thing you've done in life that you are most proud of. Think about how you feel when you finish all of your work and you can stand back and look at how together everything is. Think about an artist looking at his painting after he finishes the last stroke and seeing his work as a whole. Think about a musician listening to a song he's written and recorded and being able to hear the song with all the elements that he envisioned. Think about doing your laundry, and afterwards getting to step back and see that all your clothes are clean. Think about reading a book, and after finishing knowing the whole story that lies between the two covers. Think about looking at last year's calendar knowing all about what happened in those 364 days. Think about organizing your room; it seems like you're going backwards at first, messing everything up, but eventually everything comes together and it ends up looking much better.

I like to think that's how God feels when he looks at our life. In our life we only see the present moment and have fleeting memories of the moments that have already passed. We don't know what it looks like all put together until its over. We can't step back and see what things will become. God can do that. He works on our life; he makes it a beautiful painting, a song, clean laundry, a book, a year, an organized room. He steps back and sees everything put together and knows that this life he's created will be a beautiful life that gives all the glory to Him. We see our lives in the process. We see the painting close up. We can see all the strokes and the colors don't mix well and it looks messy. We are reading the book. We know what happened in the chapters before, but to us everything just looks like a mess for the time being. We don't know if there will be a happy ending, or if the character will ever find what he's looking for. We are still working on our math homework. We're still on problem number 10, and we have many more to do. It looks never ending, and it seems so jumbled. God doesn't have that. He looks at our life as a whole. He knows what he's doing. The thing is, the painting cannot disobey the painter, it does not have that free will. The room cannot unorganize itself, the organizer has all the power. The homework cannot make itself wrong, the student is doing the homework. We can disobey our painter though. We have the free will to do as we please. So thats the hard part. Obeying.

Trust the Lord. He's quite a painter, and everything that he paints is beyond a masterpiece.

Hard Questions

What do I desire?

That is quite a question. I don't even know what the answer is. I tell myself that I want good grades, good friends, a relationship, a good job, a great church, a desire for the Lord, an easy life. Is this really what I want? Maybe I just need to admit to myself what I really do want. In order to do that I'll have to see what things make me have a bad day.

1. When I don't get up on time.

2. When I get in a fight with a friend.

3. When I don't get in the word.

4. When I stress about certain things. ;)

5. When I am tired.

There are probably more, but I'll just leave it at that. If you didn't notice already, every single one of those starts with the words "When I." I think its great to set priorities straight, but I need to bring someone else into the picture. I can't keep on making my decisions for myself. I need to let someone else in.

Now for an even harder question.

What does CHRIST desire for me?

One Big Mistake

It is all one big mistake. The fact that I'm here. The fact that I even know about my school. The fact that I've decided to go into music. The fact that I know the people I do. The fact that I'm involved in Young Life.

I think about all the decisions I've made in the past 11 months and I can see everything. I made a rash decision to come to this school. I had no idea why I wanted to be here, I had no idea if I was supposed to be here, but I just decided. Then I got my roomates. Right before school started we had the chance to split up. We could have seperated and moved to a different building, a nicer building, but oddly enough we stayed together. We thought it would be better, we thought it would be more fun that way. Then I went to the club fair one day. I went because my professor told me I should, so one day I just got up and decided to go check it out, not expecting to find anything all too interesting. Then I found young life. I became friends with some music majors and never ever thought I would be one myself. I always wanted to, but constantly told myself I wasn't good enough. They told me I was, they told me that I didn't have to be incredible to want to learn more about music. So I am trying it out. It's all one big mistake!

If my friend hadn't told me about this school then I would never have known about it. I never would have come here to know the absolutely amazing people that I do. If I hadn't followed my gut, and done what I felt the Lord was telling me to do then I would have ended up at ECU. If I hadn't stayed with these roomates and had left one of them, then I may not know too many of the people I know now. I would not know Brooke, I would not know Laura Lee, Sarah, Breanna, Callie, Mary Katherine, Sarah, Christy, Kim, Sarah, Morgan. If I hadn't done young life then I never would have met Zach, which means I would not know Justin or Jason or Worley either. If I hadn't bumped into the young life table then I would not know Steve, Ashley, Zach, Frances, Brittany, Katie, Emily, Stephanie, Stacey, or any of the kids from young life. I also would not have played volleyball with young life and gotten to know Jeremy, Jeremy, and Ryan. If I hadn't gone to Breathe and campus outreach, I might not know Brandon, Oliver, Billy, Gray, Kelsey, Charity, Grayson, Shelley, or Erica.

I can look back on the last few months and see how every single moment led to another which led to another which led me to where I am right now. Writing this, thinking about these people that I love so dearly. What if this big mistake hadn't happened? What if I had just made the easy decision and gone to ECU? I would be with people I love, but I wouldn't have been with these people. I would not have known any of these incredible people. Every single person I mentioned here is amazing. Most likely story is that none of them will ever see this, but I love them. I care about them so much. The fact that they care about me means the world. It means so much more than they might know.

They are incredible.

Cozy and Comfy

Today the low was (or maybe will be) 11 degrees. When I went outside this morning, my slightly damp hair froze within 10 seconds of being in the cold. It was pretty cool though. I like the cold weather. I like to bundle up. I like red noses. I like shivers. I like hats and gloves and scarves. I like seeing my breath. I like chapstick. I like big warm coats. I like snow. I like drinking hot tea. I like coffee. I like blankets. I like holding hands. I like all of it. I don't really do the holding hands one, but I like it anyway. :) I just like sitting like I am. On my bed, my laptop in front of me, my tea in my lap. Its wonderful.

So thats just how today has been. Cold and comfy.

NOW... I just want to tell you about my head.

Its crazy in there. I don't understand it most of the time.

I don't really like my head either. It confuses me.

I think too hard about things and I end up making myself frustrated or sad.

Last night I was really really really really really confused. My spiritual life, my personal life, my schoolwork. Everything was killing me. Then I went on a walk. I bundled up and got my bible and sat outside on a freezing cold bench and just read the words that the Lord wanted me to see. It was wonderful. Then I spent some time with a great friend who is always there for me no matter how she's feeling. She knows when I need a hug and she is more than happy to give it. Today was encouraging too. I've developed a driving desire to get into the word and get to know my Lord better. It's wonderful.

That blog was confusing. I can't write anymore.

I love my Lord!

Day by Day

It's so hard for people to stay away from planning for everything. Right now I'm stressed because I still have books to buy, my classes are crazy, my major is insanity, I just wasted two semesters doing nothing, and my personal life is a bit frustrating as well. I want to just plan all of this and make it go away by looking at things and putting them into a logical format. I want to get rid of what-ifs and maybes and make sure everything is lined up. I can't do that though. I can't plan for my life, there will be things thrown at me that I could never plan for. I want to be able to fully surrender my life to Christ once and be done with it. But that just does not happen. Everyday single day, every single moment, I have to pray that the Lord will take this day from me and make it His. I have to pray that he'll take away my major to make it His. I have to pray that he'll take away my personal life, my classes, my books, my time, my money, and make all of that his.

I must become nothing while You become everything.

The Love of My Life

How does this happen? It was a trip. I have only ever spent something close to a month there throughout the course of 3 years, but I cannot get it off my mind. I miss it so much, especially tonight. Looking at pictures is especially painful. Its a reminder that I am not there, but their life goes on. It is a reminder that I may never return. It is a stab in the heart to think that I won't get to experience that culture, and those people ever again. Nobody misses a ski retreat like this. Nobody misses a Tribal Challenge like this. Nobody misses a family vacation like this. Nobody misses a concert or a party like this. Nobody misses Young Life camp like this. Nobody misses a Small Group like this. This trip was more than a good time in Kosova, it was a life changing time. It was a heart molding time. It was a view shaping time. It was a love building time. It was an unforgettable experience. Anyone who has not been there will not understand, no matter how hard they try. I am not holding that against anyone, it is simply the truth. Remembering the exact moment when a certain picture was taken, and remembering how I felt at that moment... it kills me. There was a different feeling to the whole trip. My skin felt different. The air felt different. My moods were different. The ground felt different. The people felt different. I got to share the miracle of the love of Christ with people who may never hear it from anyone else! I got to love people through the love of Christ that may never experience that sort of love ever again! I got to love them, but then leave them. I was torn to shreds leaving them. I cried when we left the house, I cried when we got to the airport, I cried from the time we got in line at the airport till we went through customs. I love those people, I love that country. Not the shallow sort of earthly love that people throw around so easily. The sort of love that comes from nowhere else but God.

If you understand where I'm going with this whole rant, let me know, because I'm not sure myself. Obviously there is something about Kosova that just cannot be explained in words. I love Kosova and its people with a love that could come from none other than the holy, mighty, perfect love of the Lord Jesus Christ! Its hard to love like that and be so far away.

I miss Kosova.

That's the way it is.

So all anyone would ever really need to know is:

God is perfectly, flawlessly, undoubtedly, unswervingly, completely, unshakably, unwaveringly, steadfastly, stanchly, undeniably, unquestionably, indisputably faithful.

And THAT is the way it is!

Let's get excited.

New Year, Same Me

Oh the classic happy new years post. Of course, I'll say it. Happy New Year everyone! I hope your eve was wonderful, and that 2009 is wonderous. But really, today is just another day just like any other. I don't feel refreshed. I don't feel relieved. I don't feel better about anything. It sounds like I'm just depressed, I really don't think I am. I just can't get anything straight. I was going to have some kind of stupid new years resolution like exercise more. I will do that just because I know I need to keep myself healthy in order to praise my heavenly Father with my life, but it just seems dumb. I don't care about how fit I am, I don't care about how pretty I look, I don't even really care about how well I do in school or with my friends right now. All I want is to finally go forward in my relationship with my heavenly Father. I'M STUCK! My head is in the nuese, and I'm just waiting for the floor to drop.

I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed. Just frustrated.

Maybe if I throw all of my ideas and reservations and stubborness away, and start all over that will help. Everything is pressing down on me. I'm being crushed by all this crap that is loading me down. I'm stuck in the mud. I'm not going forward, therefore I am going backward. You know that feeling when any random moment you feel like you could just burst into tears? That's me right now. I will tell anyone my story who will listen. I just have two problems.

1) I have no words.
2) I have no listener.


hmmm
What to do?