Have You?

Have you ever been so confused you think your brain might explode? Have you ever had no idea what in the world is going on? Have you ever wanted to just get yourself away from the world for a while? Have you ever wished that it was just you and God and no one else? Have you ever wanted to just hide under the covers and hope that the sun comes up eventually? Have you ever been expecting one thing and been horribly disappointed when the opposite happened? Have you ever just wanted to cry, but the tears won't come? Have you ever wished that you hadn't even tried? Have you ever hoped that time will reverse and you could go on living in your own fantasies? Have you ever wanted to close your eyes, wish real hard, and open them to see your life turn out perfectly? Have you ever?

I have.

Confidant

You are my best friend. You are my confidant. I tell you so much. Your ears hear things that few people are told. You're a closed book when it comes to secrets. I trust you more than a lot of people, and that is saying something because I tend to trust people extremely easily. I feel comfortable around you. You're like a big brother, but we never fight. You are a leader for me in my faith, and you are always there to help me. Whenever I have a question, I first think to ask you. You give great advice, and I value your opinion very much. You could easily convince me that wrestling a crocodile is a good idea. You comfort me when I'm upset; you rejoice with me when I'm happy; you listen when I'm frustrated; you ease me when I'm angry. I can't imagine not having you to go to. I feel as though I can always talk to you, and I often get scared that people will become annoyed so feeling as though I can always come to you is a big deal for me. Talking to you makes my day, it's like a special event, no matter how often it happens. My feeling for you are not romantic, but I love you.

Thank you for being there, always.

Why Am I Nervous?

Mind racing. Heart throbbing. Hands trembling. Eyes watching. Sometimes I feel so juvenile. Why do I feel like this? I should be more mature about it all. I shouldn't be so silly. I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want to be deep. I want to be open. It's hard when the other person doesn't. The other person seems so closed, so unwilling to let anyone know them, so scared to put themselves out there, so hard to read. This person is unlike anyone I've ever met. I'm usually good at predicting how people will react, but this one is different. How am I supposed to relate to that? How am I supposed to get to know that personality? No matter how closed this person may seem, my heart still jumps, my eyes still widen, my thoughts still scatter. I don't even understand myself in the situation.

I'm still nervous.

Life comes fast

Objective:

Write out your life for the next for years.

How am I supposed to decide what I want to do with my life, and then look up every single class that I will take for that purpose so soon? I am still young. I used to have all the time in the world. Everyone says, "Oh you have time, don't worry." I don't seem to have any time anymore. Everyone wants me to know.

I've never really loved anything at school. Learning comes naturally, I like to learn new things, but I don't love school. I've never been incredible at anything at school either. Everyone else has their subject, math, science, history, english, music, theatre. I have none of that. The only thing I've ever been good at or passionate about is sharing Christ. Getting to know people and being a beacon of light in a dark world. I have never REALLY wanted to do anything else. What kind of job can I get with that though? How am I supposed to support myself like that? I have no idea. Everything is coming up so fast. It's all in a blur, it's charging at me full speed, it's about to hit me. I can brace myself for the blast all I want, I will still be knocked down.

It is a good thing I have Christ to pick me up. I'm relying on Him to show me.

I'm sorry

On Saturdays, as I look back on my week a general feeling toward the past 6 days will consume my mind. There are two types of weeks. The I-had-so-much-to-deal-with-and-never-got-to-spend-time-with-any-friends week or the I-had-such-a-good-time-this-week-and-it-was-so-relaxing week. I feel as though the latter of the two has come in short supply for the last month or so. I miss feeling like I deepened relationships and spent time with friends. I miss relaxing, sitting outside on a cool fall day just thinking. I miss having a good night's sleep, and waking up in the morning excited. I miss living without numerous difficult situations arising during a 2 day period. I miss the easy feeling of walking down the sidewalk, sipping a soda, talking about something close to your heart, and doing all of that with a best friend. Everything is getting more and more difficult as each day passes. I have a few choices: 1) hide it, act like everything is ok, and don't talk about it with anyone 2) hide it, act like things are ok with certain people, but then talk about it behind other's backs 3) deal with things, talk about them in a calm way, and try to do better or 4) deal with things, but not everything and keep certain things stored away which doesn't really solve anything. I would choose the third if this were a survey, but since it's real life and I'm human, I often (sadly) choose the second. I'm human, I make mistakes, shouldn't people be able to forgive me? I guess I shouldn't let myself fall back on that, not everyone is going to love how I act. Not everyone is going to appreciate me. I'm not everyone's favorite person. I need to work on things just like anyone else. I'm sorry for being so self-absorbed and sure of myself. I'm sorry for making so many mistakes, and hurting so many people. I'm sorry for never apologizing. I'm sorry for my poor choices. I'm sorry for being inconsiderate. I'm sorry for being careless. I'm sorry for leaving my friends. I'm sorry for underappreciating things. I'm sorry for not improving myself.

But I want to listen; I want to hear what people think. I want to know how people feel.

I'm listening. I'm waiting.

It's coming

I am still pondering over this thought I'm having. It needs to be perfect. I need to include every little detail. This is huge to me, I've never been so excited about an idea. I cannot wait to write this down.

When I do write it down, I hope it will touch someone. I know there are only about 2 people that read this :) but I just want this to impact someone. I think God put this idea in my head for a reason, and I know that if I spend time on it, and I don't cheapen it.... it will touch someone. Any idea God has will make an impact. This is God's thoughts, not mine. I'm just lucky enough to have them bestowed upon me.

I can't wait.

Bowling :)

Bowling is fun. I wish I were better. When you have the same score (that score being 7) for three straight frames it gets a little bit embarassing. Maybe if I buy my own bowling shoes and bowling ball I'll be better. I like high fives and gutter balls. I like strikes and celebrations. I like competitiveness and bets. I like hitting the floor too hard and throwing the bowling balls in the air. I like tacky bowling shoes and awesome collared shirts. I like singing songs with the music and having the music suddenly stopped in mid sing :) I like falling asleep in the car. I like watching someone drink turkish coffee (which is hardly liquid). I like new friends.

What a wonderful night.

Empty Mind

I wish I had something concrete to say. Today is one of those days where nothing is tangible. Everything is cloudy, no emotions are clear, no situations are obvious, no ideas are concrete. My day was questionable. I feel undecided. I have nothing to really write about. I'm giving Christ full reign right now. I have one passage that has interested me. I read it the other night, and it pertains to the idea that I am forming in my head. I would write about that now, but I have little time. The verses are absolutely beautiful and glorious though.

Titus 3:4-8

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.

Oh, what a sensational, astounding, marvelous, phenomenal, and magnificent Lord I serve!

Fall weekend

A weekend to remember and embrace. To relish and enjoy. To laugh about and reminisce. To worship and praise. To cherish and treasure.

A weekend of hugs and love. Of hellos and goodbyes. Of tears and laughs. Of conversations and coffee. Of worship and prayer. Of encouragement and belonging.

Seeing old faces is one of the most comforting sights I can think of. Coming back to voices that I can recognize in an instant, hugs that I fit into, love that seems incredibly natural and easy, people that can see through me as though I am transparent. It is oddly comforting and yet incredibly nerve racking. One word about how I'm doing and I'll spill my whole life to someone.

Rain, cold, football, cheering, music, wet! Starbucks, good tea, wonderful friends, fun conversation. I had a lot of catching up to do. I missed these people.

Sleep, relax, breakfast and lunch at the same time (just like K&B Thursdays), rest, fair, funnel cakes, fried oreos, chili chees fries, roasted corn, five hundered pounds, drive home, falling asleep.

Baptisms, incredible worship, beautiful testimonies, inspiring words, awesome sights. The Lord was present. The changes that happened in the hearts of my friends were centered around Christ. He was the one they sought after, He was the one that changed them, and is changing them. He shows them, and everyone else, each day that He is with us, fighting the battle, winning the war. He is our shield, our armor. He is in our words, in our hearts, keeping us ready to face the opposition.

What a wonderous weekend.

Let it Go

Ministry. I thought I knew it all.

In ministry everyone thinks that you are an amazing person. You are nice, faithful, righteous, giving, kind, generous, loving, christ-like. I guess I'm being foolish in thinking these things. The world won't love me, because I am showing Christ. I'll be often disliked, midjudged, misunderstood. I have to lay down everything.

My reputation is oddly and shamefully important to me. I feel as though it has been dedicated to Christ because I want my reputation to be that of a Christian. But... Christ needs me to let go of even that vision. I am still the one dealing with and forming my reputation. CHRIST needs to take it and do with it as he pleases. He will shape that part of my life in a way that will bring him the most glory, however that is. If the Lord wants people to see me in a light that isn't as flattering as I hoped then He will make me look that way. But what is more important than giving it all to Christ? Nothing.

Help me to lay it down.

I am home, I am here.

Wake up. Rain falls, splashes, slides on the roof, taps on the window, telling me it is time to wake up. Sleep: serene, comforting. Lying in my own bed, with my pillows below my head and my blankets weiging down on me pushing me into sleep. My sister wakes, she stretches, and walks out. What a comforting sight. My mother walks in later, after I have had my fill of rest, she wakes me up. My own mother is waking me up, gently, lovingly, comforting. Breakfast is on the table (and so is lunch, I am late waking up). I am too full to finish, I love eating food that is made by someone I know. My dad jokes around as I eat. Playing music, having fun. I am home. I am here. My home smells wonderful, like a place where I belong. As much as I love school, home is here. This is where I can trust, where I can relax, where I don't have to watch myself. What a blessing it is, to have a family like I do, and to live in a house like I do. The Lord has blessed me greatly, how can I ever thank Him? How can I do something that will show Him how much I am thankful for what He's given me. This is perfect. How am I rewarded for nothing?

I don't deserve this.

Secrets

If I ever do anything that bothers you, please tell me. I love to improve myself. I enjoy working on something that is wrong with me. I very much desire to make myself better. There is never a point at which I am good enough. The Lord works on my heart every moment, and it is still filthy. If anyone ever tells me something that is wrong with me then I will do my best to be understanding. That is all I want. Don't keep things from me, because it will only cause problems. I try to be level headed about things like that, and I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. If I say something you don't love, let me know. I'll clear things up for you. It's THAT easy.

Thanks.

Serenity

Everything seems to end up sort itself out eventually. I love when things end up ok. The frustration, the anger, the tears, the hurt, it is all gone now. The peace in my heart is unexplainable, and the calm in my head is soothing. It feels as though these thoughts have been a long time coming, and now that the feeling is here I hope it never leaves me.

Oh sweet serenity.

Someone like me...

What did I do right? Why am I so lucky?

I have one of the most blessed lives. The Lord has given me so much! He has given me friends that love Christ with every fiber of their being, a family that deeply loves and cares for me, friends that I can relate to, friends that may not be christians but are still some of the most amazing people I've ever met, a heart for the lost, a love for the people around me, a wonderful opportunity to come to this absolutely incredible school, the chance to meet some of the most incredible people on the face of this planet. But not only that. He's given me the right to worship HIM, I can speak to the Lord of the earth. I can sing to Him. I can love Him. I can have a relationship with Him. I can get to know Him. I can trust Him. I can worship Him no matter what language I'm speaking. I can be sure that He is true. I can be His CHILD! The best illustration that I can think of in order to see how incredible these opportunities are is to think of God as an incredibly famous person. I would think of Him as the president. How many people get the chance to have a personal relationship with, and get to know the president. Only his family, and his very best friends. Nobody is even allowed to get near him. BUT, God gave us the right to sit beside Him, he has conversations with us, he loves us, he cares, he pays attention, he knows, he is my FATHER!

I cannot figure out why He would ever love someone like me.

Developing Thoughts

I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a while now. It's extremely important to me and everything seems to relate to it. It is so complex now that I cannot even put it all into words. I really want to write about it, but I want to make sure its well developed first. I couldn't just keep letting it stay in my head so I just thought I'd post something saying that I am going to post something about this idea. I am actually very excited about it, and I think this is the only place that I can say anything about it because not many people see this. I think this idea may offend a few people, and I don't want to do that. I just really love this concept that the Lord has put on my heart for the past few months. So, I'm pretty sure only one or two people actually read these posts, but they won't be offended. So, I'm safe putting it on here. I'm super excited...

Get ready.

Unrecognized gifts...

My heavenly Father is a smart man. He gave us such incredible gifts. Some may have more obvious gifts. The gift of music, of speaking, of singing, of writing, of running, of swimming, of academics, of teaching, of helping, of performing, of athletics. These are not the only gifts though. God gives some people an incredible gift of observation. Some people can tell a lot about a person by some simple gesture that they make. Such as how they ask for something, how they treat an employee, how they carry themselves, how they speak. There is also the gift of loving. Of making someone feel as though they belong even when they don't feel as though they do. I cannot say that I am very good at this, I'm actually horrible at making people feel welcome. Not because I don't want them to feel welcome, but I'm often very oblivious to what goes on around me. Some people have the gift of decision making. They can make decisions on the spot no matter what they are. What to eat, where to go, which work to do first, how to start a statement, how to introduce themselves, what to order at a restaurant. I am personally incredibly indecisive. I do not like to make decisions too quickly because I find that often I regret making them if I do that. I don't know if other people love this about me though. Other people are amazing at being corteous. They always ask about turning off a light if someone else is in the room, they don't want to play the music too loud, they realize when someone needs quiet, they are respectful to someone on the phone, they hold doors, say thank you, and smile at people for doing absolutely nothing.

The people that have these gifts may not feel as though they have many gifts because not many other people recognize their gifts. God notices these. He gave them to you for a specific purpose. He wants you to use them for His glory!

What an honor!

Look Toward Heaven

It's one of those days.

You know the days when everything is going great, and yet nothing is that great. Everything works out perfectly, but I don't seem to care about that. I want something to happen that makes me happy, but everything I expect to please me is failing me. I expect my early wake-up to be nice, but it's not really. I expect my workout to make me feel better, but after a few hours that wore off. I expect seeing an amazing person to cheer me up, but it just isn't as great as it could be. I expect some music to put me in a good mood, but it doesn't help one bit.

I'm expecting to gain happiness and satisfaction from these things that can never give it to me. Once I find my satisfaction in Christ, that is when I'll finally be happy. Only Christ can bring true happiness. These earthly things I keep looking to are so temporary and always fail. I need to look to Him and put my eyes toward things not of this earth, but of eternal things. I'm not happy without Him.

He is my everything.

My mocking voice...

Behold the man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life, I know that it is finished.

What an incredible verse!

The scene is Jesus on the cross. He is there because and ONLY because he is bearing my sin. He is dying the most painful death in history because He wants me to be able to have a relationship with Him. Everything I've ever done wrong is now HIS sin. Yet, I still am mocking Him. MY voice is the one that is calling out against Him. MY words hurt him, and stab him. MY hands beat his back and shove a painful crown over his brow. MY hands drive nails through his flesh. MY arms put the cross in the ground, and MY eyes watch Him die, laughing at his misery. MY sin is those nails, MY sin is the weight that drives him to suffocation, MY sin is the only thing keeping him on that cross. If it weren't for MY sin He wouldn't have to die in order to give me a relationship with Him. He breathes one last time, saying "It is finished," and then dies. He is gone, the Father has turned his face away from Christ.

Some may think they are good enough for God, that because they are saved that verses like these do not apply to them. What a ludicrous statement! Everyone of us, no matter how good we are (that includes Mother Teresa), had to have our sins taken by Christ. Saviour is no easy word, its nothing to throw around. Christ is our Saviour.

I'll never turn away from that.

dreams..

I desire to speak of two things:

ONE:

Oh man, dreams do come true.

I am absolutely elated right now. Mornings make me happy, especially when you have an amazing yesterday to remember.

TWO:

I very much enjoy cold weather. To wake up to my temperature saying 44 degrees was extremely welcoming. I love wearing long pants, sweatshirts, jackets, scarves. Getting coffee, making freezing cold runs to cookout, watching football games, taking walks outside, bundling up, hats, having snow, seeing my breath, singing out loud, using blankets, blasting the heat, getting under my covers, being cozy, chattering teeth, icicles. Everything is more fun when its cold outside!

Oh boy...

The Gift

Father God,

I see the world around me and all it's problems. The fighting, the hurt, the hate, the carelessness, the sin, the pain, the starvation. The world is not a great place, and I contribute to the bad condition of this world. I see all these things, and I wonder... Why did you bless me? Why am I so lucky as to have been born into the most amazing family in the world, have incredible friends, have a love for You, have a love for others? Why am I able to walk, talk, see, hear, run, sing, play music, write these blogs, have a home, have food to eat? What did I do right?

Don't let me take for granted this great life you've given me. Please, Lord, I don't want to think that I deserve this, because I do not deserve any of it in the least. YOU gave it to me, YOU provide for me. Every moment, every breath, every song, every prayer, every step, every word, every look, every touch, EVERYTHING was given to me by YOU, Father! I am so grateful for this, Father.

.

I don't want to keep it to myself.

Random Visits.

Don't you love it when someone totally unexpected comes by just to visit you. It may not be only you, but I still think its amazing. I love friends who care. People who genuinely care and love me. I am absolutely thrilled right now that I have friends who love me this much. People who aren't liars, or fake, or jerks, or annoying, or inconsiderate, or disrepectful. They care about me and they don't ever ever want to hurt me or see me hurt.

I love random visits.