Tuesday, September 9, 2008


How amazing?! I love the feeling of a cool breeze, the warm sun, the sprinkle of rain, the sand under your feet, the arms that hold me, the voice that encourages me, the friend that loves me. So, maybe only a few of these things happened today. I felt some rain, and the Lord was definitely holding me in his arms, and a friend loved me today. A friend loved me... a NEW friend. A new lovely friend, who cares about me. Who wants me to be happy, who hates it when it is even a possibility I am struggling. A friend who accepts me for who I am. A friend who I can talk to without making sure I don't offend. A friend who I can actually stand being around. A friend who wants to hang out with me too. A friend who is sensitive to my feelings. A friend who doesn't make fun of me because of my beliefs. A friend who repects me. A friend who really, truly, and undoubtedly cares. I missed that feeling. I missed the love I used to feel when I was around my friends at home. So, maybe this is only ONE person, and maybe I have only known her for a short time, but she's real. She isn't a chronic liar, or a gossip girl, or a drama queen, or someone who just wants to get guys. I missed this. I missed the feeling of safety. She has helped me to feel relieved. I never knew that I was having such a hard time until I realized what I was missing. I had been lying to myself. I had been pretending that I was having a good time, and I was doing that so well... that I believed myself too.

Today I was hugged for the first time since my parents left me here.

Do you know what it feels like to be hugless for 2 weeks? I didn't. I didn't think it would be something I really missed. But it is. Mostly I miss when my mom would hold me after a long talk and we would just sit on my bed, and she would hold me, and I would cry. I would cry because I was sad, because I was happy, because I was relieved, because I was mad, because I felt misunderstood, because I was just so glad to be there being loved by my mother.

I miss being held by my sister, when we would talk and then we would laugh and we would be so happy we would have to go into an embrace.

I miss greeting my best friends with a heartfelt hug. A close hug, that was familiar to me. A hug that I knew well, and was always overjoyed to get.

I miss my youth pastor's hugs. A hug where he always said that he loved me, and I knew it was true. I knew that no matter where I went, I would always be loved.

I miss my mom's friends hugs. They would come up to me and say that I did a good job speaking, or singing. They would just come up and say how pretty I looked that day, or they would just want to give me a hug.

I miss my Grandpa's hugs. He would always give the best ones, where he would whisper in my ear, "I love you, you're beautiful," and I would know without any doubts in my mind that it was absolutely true. I could almost see the tears in his eyes, and to know that the only reason they were there was because of the immense care he felt for me gave me an indescribable feeling.

I miss hugs from guys. Even though this sounds like I just want a guy hug, I honestly miss them. Guys always give hugs that make you feel like you're safe, like as long as you're there nothing can happen to you. That feeling of safety seems long gone now.

I miss all of these things, and this may have gone a bit off-topic. But the point is, these hugs may not be here yet. I may still miss them. But a hug from a good, new friend is the best start I can think of.


  1. i love you.
    love you love you love you love you.