And So Begins the Night

Nope there is no way I can do this. I cannot go there. I cannot act happy when I'm torn apart inside.

"We can't go," I say as she finishes her sandwich, "I can't hold myself up."

"This is your best chance. I'll be there for you." She tells me, reassuring me that I have her to lean on.

As we finish our dinner and begin to find clothes suitable for public appearance, I cannot help but keep thinking about how I'll feel once we get there. I'll feel scared, out of place, unsure, and torn. But I know that this really is the best time for me to go. At least I'll have her there with me.

So we leave. We say goodbye to my wonderful roommates and they wish us well and give me words of reassurance. We open the door and I am feeling better. I have people behind me, and not only that I have the steadfast and unyielding love and support of my Lord Jesus Christ holding my hand. What could be better than that?

We make our way down the first stretch of sidewalk. With each step I take I count the blocks of cement. I am distracted for a moment until I realize where my feet are taking me. What am I doing? Why do I even have to do this? What am I supposed to say? Wait, stop. Everything will be fine. I do my best to gather my thoughts once again and I focus on the incredibly wonderful and resolute friend I have walking beside me. She smiles in my direction, and I feel consoled. As we make the turn to walk behind the second building and up my street I am sure that it will all be fine. It won't be normal, but I am a strong woman of God. I have the power of the universe on my side, nothing can defeat me. We come to turn beside the library and we enter the quad. No. This is it. The last stretch. I don't want to do this. I never wanted to do this. I just want it to all be back to normal. If its not normal I don't want it. I can't stand strong when all I want to do is fall. My knees start to shake and I'm sure that I am going to fall. There is no way I can carry myself any further. But my feet keep moving. My legs keep picking up and setting down and my body moves forward. Now we are past the quad and we turn onto the sidewalk that faces the building. His building. My heart is pounding and my knees keep shaking. I then realize that this entire walk has been in silence.

I turn to her and say, "This is crazy. I'm going to fall apart. I'll go back, you go visit. I can't do this."

She stops, looks at me, and says, "You are more than this. God is more than this. Life will go on whether you want to go with it or not. I've never known anyone more determined than you, and I know without a doubt that you are capable of getting through tonight."

She turns away, takes my hand, and holds it tight as she leads me, shaking hands, knocking knees, pounding heart and all, to the building. We step onto the first stair. Then the second. Then the third. Before long I lose count and we're suddenly at the top. There it is. The window. His window. And his door. As she continues to hold my hand she turns to me and hugs me tight. The kind of hug only she can give. She then knocks twice on the door and proceeds to turn the knob. After what seems like an eternity she sees the people inside and smiles wide. My eyes quickly dash across the room to find him. He sits on the couch. Looking so incredibly worn. I quickly avert my gaze to avoid eye contact, but my heart feels as though it is going to come through my chest. I can hear each pump of blood in my ears and I can feel my knees being to give under the weight of my body. My hands are noticeably shaking and I'm sure everyone can see my chest beating up and down in rhythm with my heart. My friend proceeds to greet them with hugs. After each person hugs her they move past to me. The first is a friend I've known to be more helpful than most people know, especially in the times when his friends need him. He smiles at me, and holds me for a moment. Then comes the next. He is a friend who was with me through everything. Supporting me and helping me every single day of my hurt. He gives me a look only I can see and says hello in the most caring tone he can possibly produce. Then he is there. To avoid any awkward confrontation I move to hug him before any palpable pause can be noticed. We pull away and he immediately turns to sit down again. The jokes and laughter begin while small talk is contrived in side exchanges.

And so begins the night.

I'm a confusing person..

Its funny how one day you can look at a picture and smile and just be filled with this indescribable kind of joy and the next day you look at the same picture and only want to cry. One day's laugh is the next day's wail, and one day's love is the next day's desperation.

I learned something in the past 3 days:

Guard your heart because it is precious, and someday you'll give it to a man who will truly love you and long to spend his life with you. You don't want to give him a broken one. So keep it safe.

happy times..

Summer campfires. Guitar playing softly while some sing along. Marshmallows. Best friends. Shorts and t-shirts.

I could use some happy times.

mmm...

Coldplay

Yes

When it started we had high hopes;
now my back's on the line, my back's on the ropes...
When it started we were alright,
but night makes a fool of us in daylight.

There we were dying of frustration,
saying, "Lord lead me not into temptation."
But it's not easy when she turns you on...
since they've gone.

If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows I'm trying my best,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.

So up they picked me by the big toe;
I was held from the rooftop, then they let it go.
If there's any screaming let the windows down,
as I crawl to the ground.

If you'd only, if you'd only say yes.
Whether you will is anybody's guess.
God only, God knows she won't let me rest,
but I'm just so tired of this loneliness.
I've become so tired of this loneliness

nope.

Words don't want to come out of me today.

He Doesn't Disappoint

Yeah, anytime I ever tried to write for anyone else, I was being stupid. Anytime I ever did anything for anyone other than Christ I was stupid. He's the only thing in this world that won't leave me and won't hurt me and won't break my heart. He heals my heart. He doesn't ever tell me he just doesn't love me anymore. He will never love me any less than he always has. He doesn't disappoint. He satisfies. He doesn't get in a bad mood. He's constant. He doesn't hurt me so bad I cry. He holds me under his wing and he gives me tears of joy and praise. He doesn't leave me. He said that he won't ever leave or forsake me. He doesn't sin. He's perfect. He doesn't insult me. I am his beautiful child. He doesn't make me feel less than I am. He lifts me up and raises me so I can stand on mountains.

Humans disappoint, God never will.

I Used to Write for Myself

I used to write for myself. To get things off of my chest or to express some happiness in my life. But now I write for other people. I guess thats why I hate it, because I'm writing it for other people, but no one reads it and I want them to.

Ughh

I'm really starting to hate this blog.

Words Couldn't Express

Yesterday I was writing a letter to someone and before I wrote it I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew what feeling I wanted to portray in the letter, and although I hadn't thought it out word for word I knew what it was that I wanted to end up being written on my paper. At the end I read it again thinking that I would be completely satisfied with what I'd said. After I'd gone over the letter again I couldn't help but think that it wasn't right. Like there was something that I needed to say that I didn't have words for. I let it go, deciding to rewrite the letter later. I went to do my devotions and one of the passages I was reading that night was Romans 8:18-27 and verse 26 seemed to perfectly describe my feelings about the letter. It says:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

I guess thats exactly how I felt. I wanted to say something, and I did feel like the Spirit had something He wanted me to say, but words really couldn't express it.

Its so cool how God works His word into our lives in practical ways.

*picture taken by: Paul L McCord Jr*

I'm a Kid Again

Yesterday was just about perfect. I woke up to the sounds of my family laughing and talking in the living room and making waffles with strawberries and whip cream (which is probably one of the best breakfasts ever). Afterwards we sat down to just watch TV together. This might seem like the simplest, most monotonous activity to some, but to me its a treat. I can't remember the last time I'd just sat down to spend time with my family like that. Especially with these cousins and grandparents. Its a rare indulgence that all of us are in the same place at the same time. We watched "Curious George" (which is not a Thanksgiving movie of any sorts) but is one of the most adorable movies I can think of, maybe its just the monkey thats adorable. We ate lunch together and had a big family dinner too. We even went bowling later. I love being here.

What I noticed most about this week is how much I rely on and enjoy the company of my mother. She's a rock. I love turning around and seeing her there in the kitchen or on the couch. I love hanging onto her arm while we walk or just having her ask me whether or not I want to go to Walmart. Its so special to me to be able to ask her where something is or whether or not I have a fever.

I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready to be alone. I always say that I act like I'm a kid still, and it can be so true. Being an adult is boring. I want to go back to playing in the pool for 4 hours at a time, and wanting to eat the entire box of ice cream, and fighting to stay awake for just 30 more minutes to watch one more episode on nick@nite. I want to make home videos about my cat, and make forts in the woods, and have birthday parties with "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" and relay races.

Growing up is hard.

*picture taken by: creativecupcakes*

I've Got Nothin'

I can't do anymore. I'm out of ideas. Nothing I say helps, and everything I do doesn't seem to make a difference.

It hurts when someone you care about tells you how their life is falling apart, and no one likes them, and all they want to do is drink their cares away. I tried. I said what I thought might hit a nerve, hit her heart, hit something with feeling, but there is nothing left for me to do or say. All I can do is love. But why me? Why, God, did you decide to give this to me? I feel so drained, and its only been 2 days! I feel emotionally and spiritually empty. She says there isn't any hope for her, and now I'm starting to feel the same way, only about myself. There doesn't seem to be any hope left for me to save her, except through your mighty hand. But I have nothing. I've said everything I could think of. I've told her everything of importance.

What am I supposed to do now?

*picture taken by: Mashael Al-Shuwayer*

Remember those Pokemon cards?

Remember Pokemon cards? I don't know about you, but they were so important to me. I thought that the only way for me to be cool was to have Pokemon cards. I didn't have very many, but I wanted them so badly. They were the coolest things in the world, and they were a measure of my popularity.

You know whats funny?

They don't matter anymore.

Things that seem so important right now probably won't be important at all in a small matter of time.

Invest in things that will last.

*picture taken by: Visor Perú*

Every Moment

Does anyone else find it interesting that each moment for all of eternity has a different name? Right now its October 3, 2009 at 4:15 and some odd seconds and some odd milliseconds and so on and so forth. It will never be October 3, 2009 at 4:15 and some odd seconds and some odd milliseconds again. There is no rewind, no redo, not even a replay. When it passes it passes. I find that almost scary. No matter what I do, I'll never be able to change what I did in the past, only maybe make up for it in the future.

Make the most of every moment. You'll never have it again.

*picture taken by: The Starry Eyed*

Nothing

This is not something I can handle on my own. I need to tap into that supernatural power that Christ has waiting for me. All I have to do is ask, right? So why do I feel unchanged every time I try and ask for it.

I beg you, Jesus, please carry me. I can't do this without you. I'm nothing without you.

*picture taken by: nascity*

Under the Lamp Post

Right here. This is my place. Under the lamp post. My spot. I declared this "my spot" right after I got here more than a year ago. I sat here on multiple occasions and studied, or wrote, or thought, or prayed, or talked. Its a good spot. Things feel good here. I sit here and I feel like I notice things that I don't normally notice. I am more sensitive to sounds and sights and feelings and words. I can hear the birds better in my spot. I can hear the sound of the cars. I can see the beauty in the swaying leaves, or the flickering light. I feel the warmth of a hug or a friendly hello. I just feel like I belong here. I love talking to God here. Its so perfect.

I imagine heaven will have a place like this for me.

*picture taken by: FrAnthony*

Everything Seems Smaller

Josh Wilson. This man is extremely talented in musicianship, in writing, in voice. He's incredible, and his lyrics are even more amazing.

Savior, Please

Savior, please take my hand .

I work so hard, I live so fast.

This life begins, then it ends.

And then I do the best that I can,

but I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough,

but I'm just not strong enough.

I can't do this alone, God I need you

to hold on to me.

I try to be good enough,

but I'm nothing without your love.

Savior, please keep saving me.

Savior, please help me stand.

I fall so hard, I fade so fast.

Will you begin right where I end?

And be the God of all I am because you're all I have.

Hallelujah!

Everything you are to me

is everything I'll ever need.

and i am learning to believe

cause you're the one who's saving me.

3 Minute Song

I tried to write a song, and keep it 3 minutes long

Get in, get out, nobody gets hurt

And I tried a thousand times to fit God between the lines

But I'm finding out that doesn't really work

I just don't have the words to say, cause words only get in my way

I must apologize, I have the hardest time

Finding something to define a God that I can't define

And even if I could, it would take way too long

If all I've got's a 3 minute song

I've got a hundred metaphors, and if I had a million more

I could never ever seem to sum this up

Besides, how can some melody communicate eternity?

Itýs like trying to fit the ocean in a cup

I'll never find the words to say cause words only get in the way

I would like to dumb this down to 3 chords, or maybe 4

But I've tried and I can't and I won't cause there will always be more

So I apologize, I can't seem to get it right

You probably didn't even read all of those, but if you ever get the chance please read at the chorus of each song. It so incredible the way the Josh Wilson describes the Lord. The way that the words seem to reach right into my heart and touch its deepest wounds. The way that they make it seem as though, whatever valley I'm in isn't that big of a deal because I have the Lord coming to pull me out.

Every obstacle seems smaller when the Lord is on my side.

*picture found at: website*

I miss you, Yesterday

There were a lot of things I would have enjoyed doing with my night. I could have watched a movie. Had an encouraging conversation with a friend. Told someone I love them. Given someone a hug. Been held by loving arms. Spent time praising the Lord through conversation. Eaten a delicious snack. Caught fireflies. Walked in the moonlight. Cried tears of joy. Called an old friend. Spent time in the word of the Lord. Drank coffee. Played the guitar. Sung a song. Showed someone how much I love them. And although I did do some of these. What is prevalent on my mind tonight is that I hurt someone. I hate hurting people. I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone. Its so much easier. I hate all of it... the look in someone's eyes after I've told them what I needed to say, the way they can't say anything in response because nothing they say will change the circumstances, the way there is nothing to do but sit in silence, the way their day seems ruined because of my news. The way we're both so desperate to go back to the way it was 24 hours ago. There are few times when I've missed yesterday so much. I want you back, yesterday. Help me, Father, to see that through this mess, and my mistakes, and through my hurt that you will heal me and make me stronger. I pray that I will see where you are taking me.

Lead me, Father, and I (sure hope I) will follow.

*picture taken by: Toma01*

Where did that passion go?

I used to do this all the time. I used to see beauty in everything. I used to be happier. I used to love better. I feel hardened. Like my heart is not as easily penetrated as it used to be. I want to be back at that place where every moment wasn't a moment to dread, it wasn't a moment to try and get through. It was another great opportunity to worship this Father of mine. Another wonderful chance to see Him through his creation. Another blessed time to experience his love in one way or another. I used to see such beauty in everyday things. I loved the sound of the train rushing by. I loved the wind through the trees and the sun on my face. I absolutely adored just sitting here in my spot with my computer and a snack, having just finished my work. Writing was easy. Words flowed. Not from my head. They came from my heart, they came from the Lord. I keep saying that I want to be that way again, and I know I can. I just don't like the path I have to take to get there.

Help me take a leap for you, Father. Who better to put my faith in than you? Help me to see how foolish I am for being scared.

*picture taken by: Nichola80*

I'm Not Doing Anything Wrong

This is going to sound really stupid, but I figured something out today. I don't know my future. I have no idea what my life will look like in even 3 years. I have no idea where I'll live, if I'll be single, if I'll have a job, where I'll have a job, what I'll be doing, what I'll be aiming for. Its all dark in the future. Some people know where they're going. They know they feel called to be a missionary, or a musician, or an artist, or an actor, or a Young Life Staff member, or an engineer, or a stay-at-home mom, or a business person, or a teacher. Some people can see that clearly and know without a single doubt that God is steering them directly toward one specific thing.

I used to feel like I was doing something wrong because I didn't know. I felt like I was not being faithful enough, or I wasn't praying enough, or I wasn't loving people enough, or I wasn't trusting the Lord enough. How silly is that?! God is simply catering to my personality. Some people can know all that they are going to do and still be able to serve God in the moment, and some people wouldn't be able to focus on the here-and-now if they knew where they were headed (thats me).
I almost feel blessed not knowing where my life is going. I don't have to worry about it. I do what God is telling me to do right now and thats all I need. He'll show me what I need to see in time, but without knowing where I'm headed its so much easier to serve the Lord right now! Its so much fun. Its so rewarding.

I'm not doing anything wrong. God just knows me better than I know myself.

*picture taken by: //bwr*

Stuck Inside

I am such a human sometimes. Ok. Rephrase that... ALL the time. I want a break from myself. I feel so trapped inside myself. I know what I would say to myself if I were not me. But I can't say that to myself. I'm too scared to admit things like that to myself. Goodness gracious.

Jesus. Help me, please?

I need a lot of help. More than a lot of people. I'm selfish, and stubborn, and stupid so it might take a lot. I'm sick of being stuck inside myself.

*picture taken by: Kristen Lanae*

Don't you get it?

For those of you who don't know, I'm involved in a ministry called Young Life. I love it, every moment. And yet, I hate it, every moment. I love my kids, they make me smile, and getting to see them grow in the Lord is the most incredible thing I can think of. I love my kids, they make me angry, and it breaks my heart to see them make stupid mistakes because they are too scared to stand out. I love when one of my kids just understands what this whole "Christian" thing is about, but that seems so rare. I invest in them, and I pour into them, but they still don't get it. They don't understand what is so crazy and awesome and incredible about this story they are hearing. Sometimes I just want to say, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, EVERY BREATH, EVERY MOVE, EVERY ABILITY, EVERY MOMENT, EVERY FRIEND, EVERY FAMILY MEMBER, EVERY HAIR ON YOUR HEAD, EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP AND OPEN YOUR EYES AND TAKE A BREATH IS BECAUSE OF THE INCREDIBLE, INSANE, CRAZY, AND SOOOO UNDESERVED MERCY OF THIS INDESCRIBABLE GOD!! EVERY SUFFERING, EVERY TRIAL, EVERY TEMPTATION, EVERY HEARTACHE, EVERY LOSS, EVERY TEAR, EVERY SICKNESS, EVERY SADNESS, EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY... THAT'S HIS MERCY TOO!! HE LETS US HAVE THIS LIFE. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GREAT, AND NEITHER DO I. HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE JUST DOES. And I love you because He does." It breaks me everytime I think about them and how they just don't get it.

I heard one of my kids say once, "I thought Christians just kind of looked the same as everyone else, we just believed in God." No. You cannot be immersed in the love of an all-powerful God and be covered in His son's glory and perfection and look the same. Does that sound the same to you? I love them. Everyone of them.

I just hope they understand why.

*picture taken by: gordonsl*

Prayer is One of the Most Powerful Instruments in My Life

Last night at home. I'm not even going to try to express my incredibly confusing feelings right now. But I will say that the Lord has been preparing me for this day the entire summer; my entire life, in fact. I really think that He has huge plans in mind for me in the coming months. I hope that I don't get my own plans and desires in the way. I have a few prayer requests for those of you who are reading this:

1. I need to stay focused. Pray that I won't let my life become so out of control and busy that I can even think to have the excuse "I didn't have enough time" for not spending time in the word and in diligent prayer everyday. Prayer and time with my Father are the only thing that will get me through this year.

2. I need an accountability partner. I have all of my wonderful friends from home, but I need someone who I can go to and talk to and confide in right there at school. I already have plans to do just that with a friend of mine, but I need your prayers to keep me diligent in keeping those times consistent. Pray that I will give myself that refueling time that time with this accountability partner, and studying the word will give me.

3. I need a good church. I am planning on going to a church about 30 or 35 minutes from campus. That is about the distance I'd have to travel to any church, but the thing is I don't know anyone who goes to this particular church and I don't have my own car. Please pray that I can find someone that would like to go to this church with me.

4. I need community. I really missed having a good community of christian friends last year. I really needed that, but I didn't seek it out. There is an obvious difference in spending time with believers and spending time with non-believers. I feel more pressure, and less relaxed when I'm not with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I wanted to make it an even 5, but there was really nothing else that I could think of right now. Not that I don't need prayer, I do... and Lord knows how much I do. But, those are my school related prayers. I know that prayer is one of the most powerful instruments in my life, and the Lord can do great things. Please, please, please pray for me. I love you all so much, you really have no idea how much. Thank you!

*picture taken by: { karen }*

Prepare Me

Lord, prepare my heart for this journey. Prepare me to show them who you are. So that when they see you they'll recognize you because they've seen you before!!

yeahhh.. its just one of those days.

I need to read the bible more. It is that simple. God has something to say to me, and I need to go listen to him. So, what am I doing on here trying to think of something poetic to write? I am going to go enjoy my heavenly Father and bask in his presence.

See ya.

Please Me, daughter.

Father, Why would You give me all of these wonderful blessings here at home, just to take them all away in less than a week? I have been so incredibly blessed here at home with my family, in my church with my fellow believers, in relationships with new friends, in relationships with old friends, in my spiritual life, in my relationship with my parents. Everything is perfect right now. Why would you take that away, Lord?

Because, daughter, you are a work in progress. I'm not finished with you yet. At home you are leading a life of easiness. You have accomplished very much at home. You have pleased me. Now you must go out into the world and accomplish things there, and please me there. I have blessed you in order that you may be fruitful elsewhere. Home is your safe haven, home is your time for refueling. Now it is time for you to make disciples in My name. Let your face shine with the glory of Myself. Let the love that I have shown you and given you to show to others be a beacon of light to the lost. Help them find their way, Katie. Show them this wonderful light, and glory, and love that you have found in Me. I am no secret, my dear. My name should be exclaimed from the mountain tops. I am sending you out to do that. Now, trust Me and My word. Trust that I have My arms firmly wrapped around you. I am holding you close. I am crazy about you. Please Me, daughter. Go.

Lost for Words

God is gracious. Thats all I can say.

Sometimes the fact that words cannot describe my Lord discourages me from writing. Then I remember that I would rather spend my entire life trying to find the words to express the way I feel about Him than give up. I can't help it. I use words, I'm human. I may never be able to describe Him well enough, but when I am in that situation where I'm lost for words is when I clearly see how absolutely incredible my dear Father is.

He'll Take Me

So I had two topics on my mind to write about today. I miss writing and today I was thinking of a few things that seemed worth writing about. I went to the mall today. (I went twice actually) I was talking to my lovely friend Laura about life and faith and the future and the past. Just about everything. So while we were talking she said something. She said, "God didn't put me here to live a life of comfort, I have all of eternity for that."

I was also thinking today about how I want so badly to write music and perform music and maybe become somebody, maybe not. I just want to do music. But I don't take that part of my life very seriously. I always assume that I can follow my dream tomorrow. I wait until the next day to find some way to record my songs. I don't take myself seriously because nobody else does. Sometimes people don't encourage me to pursue my dreams. One time someone even laughed when I said something about my music. I know I'm not a horrible musician. It can't be that they think I'm insane for thinking I could do that, I just don't feel encouraged when stuff like that happens.

So I have two topics that I could write about:

1. God didn't put us here to live comfortably.

2. I don't take myself seriously because the people around me don't take me seriously.

I think I'll write about the first. Its much more fun and way more important.

I had heard that before, I knew that God hadn't sent me here to be comfortable. It just hit me harder than EVER. So often lately I've been so obsessed with myself and what I need to do to make myself happy. I've been feeling like maybe I didn't choose the right school for me. But when she said that, I was sure that I had chosen the right place. It also greatly convicted me. I am so selfish for thinking that I should have this easy life where everything works out perfectly. God sent me to do his work. To spread his word. To proclaim his glorious name! Not to sit around on my butt all day trying to find the cutest outfit to wear to my date on saturday night. My job is to make a difference in the world, not for myself, not for the environment, not for the needy children, not for the 3rd world countries, not for the wars, not for my family, not for anyone but for CHRIST alone. Maybe some of those other things are what God is calling me to make a difference for in HIS name, but only in HIS name. I won't do it in the name of myself, or in the name of the things I'm helping, but in HIS name. I've gotten off track. I like getting off track. It means I'm being passionate. I miss being passionate. Ok, off track again. God put me on this earth. He had ideas when He put me here. He is excited about the things He is going to do through me. And I'm excited for Him to do those things. I just don't want to get in the way with my comfort obsession. The phrase "I give my life to God" just gets old for me sometimes. My life was never mine. Its always been His. He has great ideas for what this life that He's given me is going to accomplish with his unending power. He will prevail through this life. He will reign in this life.

He will take me wherever He needs me to go in order to accomplish his great and glorious will.

*picture taken by: Social Geographic*

The Race

I love racing. Running. Swimming. Anything. I love to race. I love sports. I was coaching at a big swim meet last sunday, and for the first time ever I noticed how loud it gets in the building. It was the first time I'd ever been to that pool for a meet and not been an athlete. I miss it so much. Being an athlete was a big part of my life. I may not have been the best swimmer out there, and I may have struggled in running as well, but I loved every minute of it. I love the practices and the meets, and the team dinners, and the meetings. I love the big meets like regionals and conference. I love being with my team. I love racing. Swimming in a race is probably the most exhilerating feeling I can think of. You become the center of attention as they blow the whistle telling the athletes to mount the blocks. Everything around you disappears. I can't remember ever hearing people cheering before a race, although I KNOW they did. Every sound, every person, everything goes away. All I can hear or pay attention to is the starter. He tells us to take our marks. I take my position ready to explode at the sound of the horn. There is nothing in the world at this point but me and the horn. The horn sounds and I jump as far as I can off of the block; I shape my body into the most hydrodynamic shape that I can possibly assume. My fingers, then my head, then my body, and finally my feet all enter the water. My legs start to kick as hard as they can and I burst out through the top of the water. Everything starts to come back. There are other racers now. I can't hear anyone. All I hear is the sound of my arms and legs splashing the water; pushing it harder and more effectively to get ahead. I don't even think about breathing. I simply go. I shift my eyes slightly to the side to see where my competition is. As I speed up to beat them, I start to feel desperate. The turn comes and my legs tighten. My arms start to move fast into the wall. Finally I reach the wall and do everything in my power to get away from it as fast as I can. My legs start to kick again and my lungs start to scream for air. I have to breathe as little as possible. My arms start to move again and on my second stroke I fill my lungs with air. My opponents are inching ahead. I yell underwater, feeling as though there is nothing else to do that will help me go faster. My arms cannot move any faster, and my legs are burning. I have done all that I can. My only job now is to keep going. Don't slow down. Keep my legs pumping. Keep my arms pushing the water. Finish hard! Come in fast!

There. Thats the end. The race is over. It lasted for 30 seconds. All my effort. All my training. Every day that I spent in the pool working so hard has come down to the last 30 seconds. Now I hear the cheers. The encouragement. The world suddenly hits me. Everything comes back. I get out of the pool, and wait until the next race.

*picture source*

Priorities

Alright, I get it. My treasures are not in the right place.

I really need to get my priorities straight.

Father show me! I am tired of trying to do this on my own, I keep saying it, but I really can't do it anymore. I can't pretend like I'm fine when I'm not. Help me put my life in order. I need to make a list, but YOU need to dominate it. You shouldn't just be number one, you should overshadow everything else. You are in everything and above everything. Help me to live my life that way.

It was just so practical...

Today was the church picnic. Today was also a day full of learning. I love this. Lately God has been constantly showing me and teaching me things. It is so amazing.

Anyway, today was the church picnic. We decided to play some Ultimate Frisbee, which is always so fun, especially when you play with North Ridge Church. Well, we were all having a bunch of fun (especially my team since we were winning by like 4), and I was getting all into guarding people. Well, I was guarding Jude, so he tried to jump to throw the frisbee. Well, he landed wrong and twisted his ankle. It was all swollen, and ew. But it was all my fault. I felt so horrible. So Dan and Dustin carried him over to the pavilion, and we gave him ice and Ibuprofen. We were standing there, and once all of the dust settled Mrs. Miller said, "So who is going to pray for Jude?" I was surprised because the way she said it was so... well I can't think of a word to describe it, but she said it like it was something we all should have assumed to do. So we gathered around him and Dustin prayed so simply and so practically for the pain to subside, and the swelling to go down, and for there to be no breakage. As soon as Mrs. Miller had made her comment about praying for him I felt so convicted. Why hadn't I thought to pray? I should have! But we pray for people with cancer, and leukemia, and pneumonia, and people who had a family member die, and people who have no job, and people who are homeless. It was just so practical of an idea. Praying for a sprained ankle seems almost too trivial, and almost pointless, but its SO not! God wants us to come to Him with absolutely everything in our lives! Why would I ever think anything different?

I need to get my mind on Christ!

*picture taken by: Alelle*

This post is long and WAY off topic, but read it, because GOD spoke through me tonight!! whoa.

Does anyone want to know what the stupidest thing I've ever done is?  Well, I'll tell you.  The stupidest thing I've ever done is put more hope and faith in myself than in Christ.  I do it all the time!  I will put more faith in myself to be able to achieve my dreams, to get a good grade, to do my job correctly, to love people effectively, EVEN to love HIM better and to read his word more often!!  How stupid is that?  I am putting hope in myself for something like that.  Why would I put hope in myself anyway?  I know that I'm lazy.  I know that I don't ever get things done on time.  I know that I have horrible self motivation.  I know that I always get in arguments with people.  I know that I have a very hard time loving some people.  I know that I have a very short fuse at times.  I know that I've failed hundreds of millions of times trying to do things.  

Seriously, Katie?  Are you really that dense?  Do you really think that you can do a better job at running your life than God?!  

But the thing is, I don't think I can do a better job.  I THINK God can do a better job, but my heart doesn't seem to want to admit that. My heart is a very stubborn little heart.  It cannot let go of what I want.  I want to find a good man that will love me forever, and I want to do that on my own.  I want to achieve my dreams, and I want to do that on my own.  I want to get good grades, and I want to do that on my own.  I want to get in shape, and I want to do that on my own.  I want to be a better Christian, and EVEN THAT I want to do on my own.  What in the world?  Even as I write this I cannot think about anything else but how foolish I am.  

All I have to do is want it, right?  Well, I WANT to put my faith in You, Father.  I want to give everything that I am and everything that I desire over to You!  I am sick of walking on eggshells trying to make everyone happy and make my life look perfect.  Frankly, I don't care how perfect my life looks.  All I want to do is make you smile, Father!  There is nothing else that will satisfy me.  I want you to look down on me and smile, and tell me that you love me, hold me tightly, and tell me you're proud.  Why should I care about how wonderful of a person people think I am?  Or how great of a Christian I can look like?  Or how much people like me because I'm so nice?  Or how high I life my hands in worship?  I shouldn't!!  If you're smiling on me, Father, nothing can touch me!  You're my only source of satisfaction.  I've tried other things!  I've looked for this earthly satisfaction everyone else seems to know.  I can't find it!  Either they have something I don't, or they are, in reality, empty.  I KNOW they're empty.  Because I KNOW you fill me!  I KNOW that there is nothing else that can fill me or anyone else.  

Father fill me.

*picture taken by: Adam Glasgow*

The Grace of God is Unthinkably Priceless and Infinitely Valuable

I went to worship with some wonderful friends tonight.  I missed them.  I missed the atmosphere that is created when I get the priviledge of worshiping with them.  They are incredible men and women of God, and I feel so uninhibited when I worship with them.  I don't need to feel like I'm being distracting to anyone else when I raise my hands, because they're all raising their hands too.  I feel so free to do whatever I want.  Tonight I felt like I wanted to fall on my knees, but I couldn't raise my hands high enough.  I couldn't get my voice loud enough.  I couldn't get my mind focused enough.  I couldn't sing the songs long enough.  It was wonderful.  But I also felt like I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of this God I was worshiping.  It hurt me.  Then I realized that its ok.  Its ok that I don't understand him.  Its ok that I can't wrap my mind around it.  Its ok that sometimes I'm just being human.  Its ok that sometimes I'm not perfect.  Its ok that sometimes I can't focus.  Because first, God cannot be understood.  He's God.  He is incomprehensible, and incomparable, and untamable.  And second, all that matters is that I love and obey Him.  I am not going to be perfect all the time.  Thats why the grace of God is unthinkably priceless and infinitely valuable.  There is nothing that saves us, save the grace of God.  The grace of God is what gives us life, and breath.  I have been given this grace, and I love Him.  Christianity is not a set of rules that I have to follow, and I am horribly ashamed of myself for having taken so long to figure that out.  I always knew, but never understood.  If I love the Lord, then everything will fall into place because I'll want to obey him so I'll just end up following Him.  Its not a matter of doing the right thing, its a matter of loving the Lord with everything I am and have been and will be and everything I have and have had and will have.  

THAT is my heart's desire.

*picture taken by: Fundamentals*

This Christianity Thing

I cannot sleep. I don't know what it is that is keeping me awake, but my eyes won't shut. My mouth won't yawn. My muscles won't relax.

I sit in my bed, with my window open. I listen to the rain. I can feel it splash sometimes. It sounds wonderful. It is so soothing to listen to the consistent and easy sound of rain hitting the trees and the road and the roof. It is so wonderful to think about this creative creation that God has given us. Rain. Water in itself is a very peculiar compound. In its frozen state it is less dense than in its liquid state. It is, to the extent of my knowledge, only compound that does that. It keeps us alive. Without water I could not live for more than a few days. That shows how miraculous it is that Christ wandered the desert for 40 days without food or water. That feat is nothing short of a miracle. Water also keeps the world alive. The plants and the animals rely on it as well. Water also provides relief from hot weather. It is refreshing. Water also provides recreation like swimming, and water park amusements. No wonder God is compared to it.
God is the giver of all life. He is the sustainer of life. He keeps us alive, and not only that, he refreshes us. He makes things new. After a rain things do feel new. The grass is greener, the sky clears, and all the dirt is washed away. That's what God does for us. Our cloudy skies clear, and all of our nasty dirt and sins are washed away and our image is made clean. You may not think that water providing recreation relates to God in any way. That is not true, God provides plenty of fun for us to experience. He gives us breaks, and lets us let our hair down for times. We're never off-duty of being a christian, but he still lets us just hangout under his wing whenever we want to.

I really do love that God is the refresher of the earth. He makes all things new. Including me. He made me new. He's made me new plenty of times. He is graceful. He watches us. He keeps us. He does not EVER forsake us (forsake: to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert). Why? Don't ask me. All I know is that he loves me, and I love Him back. Thats all there is to this Christianity thing.

*picture taken by: HaMeD!caL*

Organic Peanut Butter and Sugar Free Strawberry Preserves

There are two things on my mind this rainy night. 

1. Today was wonderful.

2. I feel like I might be swiftly and easily slipping away from my friends.

So lets talk about sad first so that we can end with happy.

I miss my friends at home during the school year and I miss my friends at school during the summer.  College is way not fun in that matter.  I feel as though recently I've noticed some great falling away from my home friends.  Not all of them.  Not even most of them.  Just some very important ones that I have not been able to talk to much this school year.  I just want them to know that I'm sorry.  I have never been good at keeping long distance relationships.  I don't talk to any friends from Pennsylvania regularly.  I could never even keep up with people who went to different middle schools and high schools, let alone colleges.  But that is no excuse.  I am learning, and I am doing better.  I promise that next year I'll try my best to do better.  I'll keep up with your lives, and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  We'll talk more, and we'll grow closer despite the distance that separates us.  I regret that I was such a horrible friend for letting you grow so far away, and I'm going to be better.

Now for the happy part because I just can't end this blog with sadness, I do that way too much.

Today was wonderful.  I woke up at 10:30 and did my Beth Moore devotion.  She is incredible.  God gave her such a gift of leading people to Him.  She loves him with everything she is and that is so incredibly obvious simply in the way she writes her bible studies.  Every word that comes to be on that paper is a word from the Lord.  I've been in tears multiple times while doing her devotions.  She takes the approach of a woman, and describes things in ways that would help the bible come alive to a woman.  It is absolutely wonderful.

Then I talked to a wonderful wingate friend online.  Which is always spectacular.  I miss them so much, and everytime I get to talk to any of them it is such a blessing.  This particular person and I always have very entertaining and interesting conversations.  So, this combined with my wonderful bible study was definitely the perfect start to my day.

So then I started some laundry and did some dishes and all that.  Which was not very exciting, but very productive.

Then I took a shower and got dressed and all that jazz, and I went downstairs to eat.  I ate a whole wheat english muffin with organic peanut butter and sugar free strawberry preserves, some strawberry nonfat yogurt, and a few cookies.  I was very proud of my healthy lunch.  

I was expected it to storm, so when it did not actually thunder I was reluctant to go to swim practice.  While we were there it started to rain, so Sam and I had to stand out on the deck and yell at kids in the rain.  Then in the second practice one of my boys thought he didn't have to do what everyone else was doing which annoyed me and I had to deal with that. BUTTT after the second practice I talked to some adorable six and under children who are always entertaining.  They are so adorable and so excited to be there.  They love to tell me what they're swimming and they all are absolutely in LOVE with high fives.  
Then later that night my lovely Anna came over to watch the hockey game with me (GO PENS!) and we also went to Goodberry's and I made a very smart choice in my concrete.  Chocolate & caramel.  Try it!  The Penguins won, and it was super exciting.  We skipped cell group for it which makes us horrible christians, but wonderful hockey fans. :)  But we engaged in some good fellowshipping during the game, so its ok.  

And that was my day.  Kind of boring, unless you're me, then its awesome.

*picture taken by: mackability729*

His Words Are Better

For a long while I've really wanted to write.  To express myself like I used to.  I feel as though I have nothing to write about anymore.  I don't have these intuitive ideas, or original thoughts anymore.  It has been so long since I've really had something to write about.  A long time ago I was talking to the person who inspired me to start writing on this blog and she said that sometimes her favorite times are when she doesn't have anything on her mind.  She can let Christ rule her thoughts and let Him do with her fingers as he pleased.  She would just start writing and let him reign.  That is exactly what I want to do right now.  I want to write, I desire to say something, but I know that anything I say will not be at all penetrating to anyone.  It had to come from Christ.  Nothing I says means anything.  I talk about myself, and the world.  That is not what matters.  Christ matters!  He's the only thing that matters.  He is the only thing that can change anyone's heart.  My words mean nothing.  My words come from the world.  His words come from the true and lasting kingdom.  Things that make a difference.  Things that bring people to tears.  Things that cause changes of the heart.

I hope that whenever I speak I don't waste people's time with my words.

*picture taken by: B I P I N*

Love

WOW!

I LOVE YOU, JESUS!

Like really love you.  I mess up, and I do things that I shouldn't, but I still love you!

And then, you love me back.

Or.. you loved me first, but after I mess up you still love me. 

 WHY!?  I don't deserve that.

You're a crazy God, but you're also an awesome God!

The rest of the world

Wow, this is my second blog within the day.  Crazy!!! That never happens.

Well, I was just sitting in my room, listening to my parent's cell group singing downstairs, and I was looking out the window.  It was weird. Looking at the outside world, but hearing my family and their friends praising the Lord in our home.  I started to think about how cool it is that they meet every week together as friends to praise God.  They are sitting there lifting up the name of the Lord most high while the world goes on.  People may drive by, walk by, run by, bike by, skateboard by, and never truly understand what is going on in the house they are passing.  They are passing a house in which the presence of God dwells.  They are passing by one of the most beautiful sights ever beheld by the eye of a man.  They are passing by the presence of the God who created them, and gives them life.  

It is just really cool to think about whats going on in the rest of the world while we are praising the everlasting Father.  Its kind of sad to think about all those people that are missing out on the most incredible and indescribable and wonderful experiences of their life.

They are missing out on their purpose.

Person I love most in the world...

It is really hard when the person you love most in the world loves someone else most.  Someone who's most love should be you. Someone who acts like you are, someone who talks like you are, but never really says that you are the person they love most. Someone like that.  I love her most. More than any other person I know. But she loves someone else most. She has someone else who she thinks understands her most. She has someone else who she wants to spend time with more than me. She has someone else who she laughs with more. I don't dislike the other person, it just hurts to see her say that the other person is the one who understands her more than any other person on this earth.  I know thats jealousy, but I can't help it. I want to understand her. I do understand her. But she doesn't seem to think so, obviously. I wish I was better than I am at understanding her.

I'm never who I want to be in anyone's life. Once again,  I sound depressed, but I write when I'm sad, so unfortunately, those who read this get the short end of my emotional rollercoaster. 

This just sucks sometimes.

*picture taken by: AdamBaron*

Everything means so much more than it used to...

There is so much to say.  I'm back.  Up and running.  I lost it.  I was so far gone, I couldn't find myself, but I'm back.  I really am.  And it is the best feeling that I could ever imagine.  I love the Lord.  He's amazing.  There aren't words, and that is what is really annoying about languages. No matter what words I use, in however many languages I can find, in as many dialects as are in existance, I cannot tell you how I feel.  I feel found.  I feel a sense of understanding.  I feel renewed.  I feel loved. I feel warm.  

You know how when you go to the pool and it feels great, but then you put your clothes on and wet clothes do not feel great, and then you go home and feel so out of place because you have a bathing suit and wet clothes on and you can't sit down anywhere?  Well, I was sitting in my house in wet clothes for way too long.  You know how it feels when you take a shower, dry off, brush your hair, and put all new clothes on and sit on your couch with a big pillow, a bowl of ice cream, the universal remote, and someone absolutely incredible holding you safely in their arms?  Well thats how I feel now.  

I just did a lesson from a Beth Moore bible study and she was talking about a demon-posessed man that Jesus healed.  She was saying how he is now sitting at the feet of the Lord and he is clothed and clean now.  He has a new master.  That picture makes me feel warm.  I love that he's sitting at the feet of Jesus.  There is that song "down at your feet oh Lord, is the most high place."  Well, thats definitely true, but I don't feel proud when I'm at his feet.  I feel incredible humbled, but comfortable and content at the same time.  I wouldn't rather be anywhere else.  I love that feeling.

See, I'm trying to express this feeling I'm having and its not working at all!  

There is something else too.

God seeks us.

Awesome.

WHY!? Why would a perfect, almighty, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, God of the godless Lord want me?  I have nothing to offer.  I don't even do my best most of the time.  I don't do all I can, but he SEEKS me!  He wants me.  I've never understood what it meant to be found, but now I do.  I never understood what it meant for God to seek me, but now I do.  I never understood God the way I do now.  

I've gone through some things I didn't really want to have to go through.  Situations that I had to deal with that I could have prevented.  But its funny that God used those nasty situations in my life to make me better.  I made mistakes; He made me better.  I failed time and time again; He made me better.  I did not listen to Him; He made me better.  I ignored His warnings; He made me better.  

I love these new feelings I'm having.

*picture taken by: knittinging*

Unexpected Blessing

You are creative and talented and will write a song about memories in your life. Music is important and some songs can relate to your life and how you're feeling. You have no regrets, and when you have a bad day, the simplest things make you smile. You're an all around fun loving person.

I took the "What Taylor Swift Song are You?" quiz on facebook today, and that is what it told me. I like it. Next time I'm sad I'm going to take a facebook quiz.

*picture taken by: Beautiful;;Brunette*

WAIT! STOP! Read and comment. PLEASE!

PLEASE HELP ME!  All I need you to do is dig deep down to the bottom of your heart and tell me an analogy that has to do with being impure for your husband.  

I have two so far:

-A rose without petals

-A heart broken in pieces

ok.. get it?  Hopefully.  Let me know if you have ideas.  That would be incredible.  Give me as many as you can think of.  Sweet.  I hope someone actually reads this.

Absorbed in You

Everytime I sit down to write nothing comes to mind.  I want so badly to unload myself by writing about something, but whatever it is that is pushing me down doesn't want me to know what it is.  But I feel so down.  Some people reading this might think that I'm down for a certain reason, but I can assure you that I'm over that, I'm doing much better, its not making me sad anymore.  I just wish I could figure out what to do to keep myself from feeling so crappy right now.  

Maybe I'm not spending enough time in the word.  Maybe I'm not giving everything over to God.  Maybe I've been to absorbed in myself to see what is going on around me.  I need to get out of this trance.  I need to get back to the real world, where there are people who need Christ, friends who need support, a family who needs a sister and a daughter, and a God who wants me to invest in Him.  

I can't keep thinking that everything is ok because when I'm alone, without other people to make me smile, I am unhappy.  When I am alone nothing feels right.  When I am alone I realize that I am not the person who I want to be. 

I'm so sick of feeling so far away from God.  He's been 10 billion miles away lately, and I don't know where to go without Him.  I need him beside me.  I need to know that He's here.  I need to be absorbed in Him, not in myself.  

Lord, bless me with a heart that only desires to be absorbed in You.

pictures taken by:mark78_xp, jamelah, betebete,  inside_man

I miss a lot of things

Even when everyone else is around,

I only see you, I only see you.

It is so loud but I can't hear a sound,

I only hear you, I only hear you.

Your words fill my head.

Your face fills my soul.

And all I want to do is love you.

This chorus really has nothing to do with anything I'm feeling right now.  I just wanted an excuse to post something. I miss writing.  I miss a lot of things that I don't do very often anymore.  I miss a lot of people that I don't see often anymore.  I miss a lot of feelings that I don't get very often anymore.  I'll need to be fixing these problems.

I love you.

pictures taken by: Marron Glace

Stuck on Myself

I was going to write something in here tonight, but not even halfway through it I realized how stupid I sounded.  I have been so stuck on myself lately.  So absorbed in what I want, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what I need, what I said, who wants to be with me, who is my friend.  How does someone who claims to be so "unstuck" on herself end up becoming just the opposite and never noticing it?  I found out today that someone who I thought "had their eye on me" for most of last semester, really wanted me to realize just the opposite.  When I found out about this,  I thought something like, "Does nobody want me?" How selfish is that? Who am I kidding? There are plenty of people who want to be with me and love me very  much.  Just because some stupid guy doesn't have feelings for me anymore doesn't mean I don't have an entire army of people who are standing behind me, holding me steady with the love they give to me.  I also have a heavenly Father who loves me beyond compare. There is no one that has lived, is living, or will live that could love like he does.  I should need nothing else.  And right now thats all I'm standing on, really.  

But now I just need to love Him back.

picture taken by: jspad

Empty White Walls.

This is what I have right now:

1. My computer.

2. Some clothes. (enough until tomorrow)

3. My bedding

4. Shower stuff.

5. Some food.

That is all that is in this room.  It echoes in here.  Everything is the same color, cream, and both of the other matresses are empty.  I hate sitting in here at night.  I feel lonely enough right now, but last night was horrible.  I was taking a shower and when I got back in my room, I couldn't stop crying.  Without all of the distractions I couldn't help but think about the people I already missed and the people I would miss even more very soon.  I still can't help but think about it.  It kills me.  I called one of my friends who had already left to have some company, but for the first 15 or 20 minutes of our conversation all I wanted to do was cry.  For how much I missed him, for how much I missed Kim, for how much I am going to miss Brooke.  For how much I'm going to miss everyone else here.  It kills me.  It is so much easier to take my mind off of things when I have other things around to keep my occupied.  Right now all I have to keep me occupied is some material I need to study, my computer and these white walls.  Empty white walls.  They make me cry.

I think I'll paint them green.

picture taken by: 4ndre Solli

Disconnected

Hello dear friends, 

How I've missed you.  How I've missed this wonderful outlet with which I can express my feelings.  I miss writing.  I miss myself.  I haven't been myself lately.  Can I rewind time to before I changed so much?  

I feel like I don't have a connection anymore.

I don't really know what I mean by that.  But thats how I feel.  Disconnected.

Alright, I have nothing else to write.

*picture taken by: Just Add Light*

Questions

I feel like its fading.

I call myself a Christian. I call myself a teacher. I call myself a leader.
Am I?

Do I really care about this thing that I call my faith?

Where did all of that passion go?

Why do I have more hard times that good times in my relationship with Christ?

Why do I feel like everything I do is fake?

Why do I feel like he is so far away?

Why isn't He the first solution that pops into my head?

Why can't I truly believe in the power of prayer?

Where did He go?

Why doesn't He feel close to me anymore?

Why don't I have a desire for His word?

Why can't I see Him in everyday things?

Why am I so consumed in earthly things?

What is right for me?

Where is He taking me?

Am I really listening to Him?

Am I making up my own plans?

How do I know whether my plans are my own or His own?

Why can't I be radical?

Why can't I take chances?

Why am I scared?

Jesus died the most horrific death in history. The process of crucifixion was developed from the science of killing people in painful and grueling ways. He died this death, and took my sins on his back because he loves me more than anyone else in all of eternity. Picture two people. One is spotless and clean, the other is covered in cow manure. The clean man takes all of the cow manure off of the man and then puts it on his own body. Another man is waiting to take one of these two men into his beautiful mansion. The formerly dirty man, now clean because of the originally clean, is spotless. The now clean man gets to go into the house.

Jesus is not kept outside of heaven, but we (the originally dirty man) are full of sin. Because Christ scraped every little blemish off of us we get to have a home in God's mansion.

Grace such as this should not be taken lightly.

That is why I have to be radical.

That is why I must take chances.

That is why I cannot be afraid.

*picture taken by: Amanky*